delayed dysphoria?

[groudon17]

this has been driving me crazy at how flip-floppy and confused i am.

up until recently i have never experienced much severe bottom dysphoria aside from how my reproductive organs work. i enjoy fingering and the idea of front hole penetration. however, after time alone with my boyfriend not too long ago, he gave me oral and looked at my body as a whole from further away. these are things i wanted. the oral felt good. but a few days later i started feeling so odd about how i felt in his view. i felt weird that he could see there, and i don't know why it's bothering me so much, and i hate that i feel this way, it honestly baffles me that i do at all. i never thought i'd feel uncomfortable.

what's all the more interesting is that i enjoy when he looks and touches around my chest area, which used to be my biggest dysphoric part of the body before the relationship. being on hrt reduced it a lot. i think i'm comfortable with that so much because it makes me feel less gross to myself and him, and also because my ex-boyfriend would make me feel so disgusting about it, covering me up in bed if they slipped out of the covers and wrenching his hand away if it ever went near my chest. having a boyfriend now that enjoys the parts of my body also lessened my chest dysphoria, as well as that being something i never thought i'd have in a relationship. i feel completely fine with him touching and looking at me there and it feels good, though that's still a part of me i can't look at in the mirror. so why do i feel so bad about my crotch being seen?

i still heavily enjoy being touched and penetrated there, and he has never made me feel anything but good about my body. i've talked about this with him too and he wishes he could make me more comfortable (he means this genuinely, not in a pushy way) and i want to be comfortable too. he enjoyed seeing my whole body and it makes me happy and relieved that he liked it... so why can't i be comfortable enough with myself about it? how can i become more used to it, especially since it's what i want? it is such a surprise to me that i feel like this and never thought i would feel strange about him seeing me in full frame like that. it's not like it's a secret what i have down there... is it something that can go away with time? because now for some reason i feel nervous about some sexual things, except when i imagine them in my head i don't feel weird about them. i wish it would go away.

the only way i can make sense of it is that i enjoy what we do, but I don't like my crotch being looked at? is this common to enjoy activities but not want to be looked at? and whether it is or not, is it possible to ease into being comfortable with it, being time or another suggestion? even though the oral felt good i don't feel ready for it again. but i wish i could feel comfortable with being looked at naked. before it happened i never pictured it being an issue...

[Mo]

I don't think anything you're describing here is unusual among trans folks. From what I've heard from trans friends and found to be the case in my own experience, it's pretty common for dysphoria & discomfort around body parts to fluctuate a bit. It's not always easy to know why it might feel worse at a certain time, or how to best reduce those feelings.

I think a good place to start, for now, is just to take a break from things that are leaving you feeling uneasy afterwards. That might mean not having oral sex for a while, or asking your partner if you can have sex in very low lighting so he's not able to see you. And actually, if it's something you're comfortable with in low light, you might even be able to slowly increase the light level as you get more comfortable being partially visible.
If it takes a while, or you just don't feel ready at all to have your partner really look at your genitals right now, that's ok to. I think it's possible to get past this feeling but it may take some time; being patient with yourself is a good idea even if it's frustrating.