Frustration, dating

[johannes]

Hi!

This is not really a question more just me needing to went a little. So I recently started dating for the first time in my life (maybe I'm a little late to the game but it is what it is) and it feels very tumultuous but I really, really want a romantic relationship so I have to keep at it. I've been on a few dates with a few different people and they mostly been pretty embarrassing but I'm getting better and better at it I think. This one gal wanted to go on a second date so we did at the end of last week unfortunately it went pretty bad and it/I was soooo awkward and I was so embarrassed with myself so I pretty much ran home from this poor womans place and she was super sweet too so I'm pretty bummed about it. Anyways earlier this week I went with a friend to this kind of feminist group who talk gender and drink coffee and there was a super attractive (both personality and looks wise) woman there. I really wanted to ask her out so I asked my friend the next day is she knew her/ knew if she was single etc. She was but then my friend asks me why I didn't wanted to date her. I had no idea she wanted that but she is poly and already have two boyfriends and I'm not interested in being part of that kind of relationship and told her so. I also said I was up for a one time thing if she was interested. She wasn't and said I should know she don't do one night stands. I believe she was a little angry at me but she said she wasn't and that we are fine, so that's good.

But now I feel like I'm going to explode from sexual frustration and its getting worse every day, I do masturbate but it's not enough. I think I've always been sexually frustrated (it at least feels like I've always been) but now when I feel there is an actual possibility to meet someone who I wanna have a relationship with it's unbearable because it feels so close but I'm not quite there yet. I think my frustration is starting to show, which is not that attractive . Even tho that may be the case I still think I'm gonna ask the feminist gal if she want's to go out with me, I won't see her until next week so maybe asking her over facebook will be a good idea but that might be a bit desperate. Like I said not really a question just need to get this out.

[Heather]

Can I ask what "recently" means in terms of starting to date? In the last year, six months, month, week.....?

Can I also ask why you think this all feels so desperate for you? In terms of the sexual feelings, is masturbation not taking care of a lot of that for you? If not, then really, this is likely something that isn't sexual frustration, per se, so much as a desire for company with others. After all, our bodies, on the whole, don't really grok the difference between our own hands and someone else's.

[johannes]

Recent = within the last couple months

Well that's not really true our bodies do feel the difference there are more and different hormones released during intercourse than during masturbation (that's what I've heard at least) but you might still be on to something. Sexual frustration is maybe not the best word for it it. What I feel has to do with sexual feelings but also skin hunger, longing for closeness and companionship etc so I guess I'm using sexual frustration like an umbrella term for all that but maybe there is some better word I don't know about.

edit:spelling

[Heather]

Our bodies really don't. What's different chemically is more emotional than physical when it comes to sex with ourselves and sex with partners (and this isn't about intercourse: this is about any kind of sex or sexual response with others: intercourse doesn't do anything different hormonally than other activities in a broad way, simply based on the physics of the thing), and really, the only difference is really one hormone, oxytocin. (And that is also produced in many more ways than just sex, and isn't always produced during sex with partners.) Otherwise, the same hormonal stuff happens with masturbation as does, or can, rather, with partnered sex.

Okay, so you have touch hunger for someone else: that's certainly a for-real thing, both emotionally and physically, and by all means touch -- on the whole, not just sexual -- from others is one of our most essential human needs.

So, maybe one thing to look at with all of this is how much of that you are getting in your life with or without dating, like hugs or cuddling with friends, for example.

A couple of months into dating is a very short period of time, though I get it can feel a lot longer, especially if you kind of came in later, and if you're feeling very lonely. And when you're new to it, it can feel like a serious drag, especially given it can take a whole lot of dates before we really feel a connection with someone else AND we also share similar wants and needs.

What do you feel like you need to make it feel less ARGH-ful for you? Too, you mentioned you said to someone you were open to something more casual. Is that what you ideally want, or just one option you'd feel good about? I ask that because dating can get easier if we can be really clear about what we're looking for, and express that to others even before we schedule a date to kind of screen a bit better for good possibilities.

[johannes]

Sorry forgot to answer your most important question.

Why it feels desperate I think have to do with wanting to experience many relationships and partners and exploring sex now while I'm still quite young. I want to be in a stable relationship when I have kids (which I think I wanna have in my early 30s) so I wanna do a lot of different stuff and experience a lot of people now. I have nothing against having an open/monogamish relationship when I have kids but I think it will be much harder finding new people to play with in that kind of relationship when you are older especially when you get in to your 40s and beyond. I also have a couple of kinks that I think will be grose and not as hot to do when you are old.

[johannes]

Yes I would be up for both something casual or something more serious tho not necessarily from the same person and it's hard to know before you have maybe gone on a date or two with the person.

[johannes]

Sorry my answers got a little spread out, but thanks for listening. I will try to make it clear to people that I am looking for both/either something casual or more serious and I'll just keep at it because it feels like a romantic relationship is the only thing that will make it feel less "ARGH-ful" .