I am deeply confused about my mom

[StellaBella]

I did read the article "I Think I'm Poly: How Do I Initiate Open Relationships?" And that's literally how I found this message board. I hope to get some more questions answered on here.

My parents divorced July 5, 2022. I found out my mom cheated on my dad. My mom would see several guys after all of that, she would marry one of those guys on December 2, 2023. She picked a wonderful guy, it took me time to truly like him, but we get along just fine.

A couple weeks ago my mom had this talk with me about open marriage. I found out that they have been doing this just prior to them getting married. She talked to me about this because I nearly caught them in the act with another guy. My mom was very open with me about what they are doing and she answered all my questions. I found out everything about my mom's sex life in an hours time.

My mom is asking for privacy when she needs it, she will text me and let me know when and if I can stay away from home for an hour or two.

This morning was the first time she told me that somebody else would be coming over, but he would be gone before I got home, but to not come over before then.

I don't like what she is doing, I don't like it that this new husband of hers is okay with this. I still love my mom, but this is hurting me. My dad knows nothing about this and I'm not going to tell him as it's not his business, but I feel sorry for my dad because he got hurt the most out of this divorce.

My mom told me the number of partners she has had, and it was a big number. She never did have other partners when she was with my dad other than the cheating part, I do believe her on that, but I would like to ask her if she ever truly loved my dad?

And my mom says I can have privacy at my house with any partner, but I'm not all that comfortable with that idea. I don't want to be like my mom when it comes to sex.

Why do they do this? Do married couples do this a.lot? Why would they agree on doing this? How do I become okay with this?

And I still love my mom, but I'm not a fan of this. Her husband is still okay in my eyes, but I do look at him differently. He knows that I know.

[Heather]

Hey there, StellaBella. Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry that this has been troubling you so much.

I hear you -- and believe you -- when you say this is hurting you. But I think that it would be helpful to you to try and articulate why you feel hurt by this and why you don't like this. For instance, do you feel hurt because you believe that people don't love each other unless they are sexually or romantically exclusive? Do you feel hurt because you believe that your mother didn't love your father based on your idea that having sex with someone else, whether it's cheating or negotiated, means she can't have loved him? Do you feel hurt because your sexual or romantic ideals are different than your mother's? Or...?

I think once we know *why* this feels like something that hurts you, or why you feel so bothered by this, then we'll be able to see what we can do about how you can learn to accept this and get okay with it.

Can you talk a little about why you think your mother being in a consensually open relationship bothers you so much and is painful for you?

[StellaBella]

My parents were married for almost 16 years, they had me, we were the perfect family, and my mom destroyed it. My mom will not say anything negative about my dad, my dad is the same, i'm sure I'll never hear the real story on why she cheated.
My mom gets divorced and starts sleeping with other men. That hurts. Was my dad not good enough?
My mom is now married to yet another awesome man and I have no hatred towards him, but i don't understand why he enjoys letting her be with all these men. I know they both agree to it, they are always happy, but why do all this?
I don't think sex is bad, I guess I respect it more than my mom. My mom has had a few dozen partners, she told me the exact number when i asked her, and for me it feels wrong and gross.
Im glad she told me. Im glad we are open about sex. Im glad that I don't have to hide anything from her. I love my mom, yet I don't understand her choices.
My mom asking for privacy today was different. Knowing another guy was in the house having sex with my mom is different. Knowing that her husband was okay with this is different.

[Heather]

Thanks for telling me more.

So, it sounds to me like this is a combination of things, and they're not all about the same thing:
1) You're angry with your mother for her infidelity with your father, and about the end of your parents marriage, and you are assuming the marriage ended because of only your mother and her actions. It also sounds like you're just plain hurt that your mother and father's sexual partnership wasn't right for her and that she wanted other partners besides your dad.
2) You don't understand open relationships or polyamory, you assume that this is about her current husband "letting"her have other partners, and you don't get why poly is okay with him.
3) You have strong feelings about your mother's number of sexual partners because to you that isn't an okay number because it makes you uncomfortable. It also sounds like there's a feeling of conflict that is coming from the deep love you have for your mother and how her sexual and romantic choices just don't mesh with your own ideals (about sex, but maybe also about your parents and parental figures?).

I feel like #1 is something that kind of stands on its own here, different from the other stuff. I'd say that chances are awfully good that your perception of your family as a child and young person probably wasn't square with how it was for the adults involved, just because it rarely is in any family. I'd also say chances are good that there are things that weren't right for both your parents in their marriage, and as is often the case with the dissolution of marriages, it was probably a two person job. I wonder if your parents might be open, now that you're not a child, to talk with you more openly and honestly together about what all went down with them. Do you think that understanding more of what both of them feel happened might help you?

The rest sounds like it has a lot to do with you just, so far, being really different than your Mom, and maybe your stepdad, when it comes to your ideas and ideals about sex and sexual relationships. Being earnestly grossed out by your mother's number of partners (which is not an unusual number for someone who is the age she probably is, just by the way), suggesting that she doesn't respect sex, not getting why anyone would want to be poly all just tells me that y'all are really, really different so far in how you conceptualize and experience all of this.

As someone who has been poly for a lot of my life and has also had more sexual partners than your parent, if you feel like it might help to talk to someone who isn't your parent, but is another adult with a really different experience and conceptualization of sex and sexual relationships, I'm happy to answer questions for you about why someone might choose to have more than one partner at a time, be poly, or have more than a few partners in a lifetime if you like. I can also find you some more reading, like what you came here through, if you like.

I think another thing that might really help you out -- in fact, I think this might be the *most* helpful thing -- is some family therapy with your mother. Do you think that might be something she can access and that you'd both be open to?

One more thing I'm hearing is that it sounds like you just are not comfortable with your mother having other partners home when you are home. That's not surprising to me, especially since this news is also so new, and you are only a couple years out from your partners divorce. Divorce then a new stepparent then a poly situation that's very much right on top of you is a LOT. I don't think that it would be out of line at all to ask your Mom to slow down with all this some, including you saying that you're not comfortable with her having other partners at home just yet. I feel like she could easily make a different arrangement there and see her other partners in their spaces or a third space so that this didn't all feel so literally on top of you, especially before you've even had time to process it all.

How does any of that sound to you?

[StellaBella]

I talked with my mom a little more and she not only agrees with me about all of this unnecessary pressure on me but she also apologizes for doing it. No more guys will be coming to the house, my mom and step dad will still be doing this but it's gonna be outside of the house. My mom doesn't wanna hide secrets from me, what she wants the most is that we can be open about our sex lives, i can't say she's wrong, but it is weird.
What i'm lost about is why have so many partners? Why risk it? What's wrong with one? Why is her husband okay with this? Why allow a man to take advantage of a woman?
And I have had sex, three guy friends that were sorta boyfriends, but none at the same time, i'm with one of them right now. I could not imagine being with all three at the same time, different days of course. I'm not sure if they would even be okay with that. My mom is sharing herself, I could never do that.
Plus my mom wants me to have a new rule, that is no sex outside my house. She wants me to be safe and comfortable. I can ask her for all the privacy I want. I am seeing somebody right now, i don't think he would be okay with my mom knowing that we're having sex.
Thanks for everything you said in that last reply, it helped, yet i still don't understand why.

[Ro S]

Hi there StellaBella,

I'm glad you had that conversation with your mom and that there's been an agreement to not bring other partners to your house, especially as you're trying to process and come to terms with all of this.

As for coming to terms with things, I hear the confusion and see you're having a hard time understanding what your mom and stepdad are doing in all your questions. And you know, it may be that you may never fully understand it because you just feel very differently about relationships than they do and that's okay. There also probably isn't be a clearcut answer to "why" your mom enjoys being in a poly relationship that any of us can give you here. All of that said, what is coming up for you is something we can continue to talk about and I want to start by bringing attention to a few things in your line of questioning:

1. When you say "why risk it" in regards to your mom having more than one partner, what do you mean? Do you mean risk as in emotional risk or something else?
2. From everything that you've shared, this all sounds like consensual acts between adults who share similar ideas about the way they want to be in relationship. Why do you think your mom is being taken advantage of in this case? Are you feeling like you're wanting to protect your mom from potential harm?
3. There's nothing wrong with you because this all feels like a lot to take in. There's also nothing wrong with you because this isn't what you want your own relationships to look like. Just because you two have different ways of wanting to be in relationship doesn't mean one is right and the other is wrong, you know? It's okay to not fully understand where your mom is coming from and I think there's also space to not put labels of judgement (good vs bad) to different types of relationships. Does this feel doable right now?

Bringing it back to what Heather had mentioned before, I think family therapy would go a long way in getting to talk about what you're feeling while also maybe seeing where your mom and stepdad are coming from. Do you think that this is something you could bring up to your mom?

[Heather]

I'm glad my last responses were helpful to you, Stella, and I'm really glad you and your Mom were able to come to some agreements. I also didn't think it was fair or particularly great parenting to ask you to leave the house while she saw other partners, so I'm really glad she realized that and took responsibility for it.

I do want to add a couple things to what Ro said after your last reply:

What i'm lost about is why have so many partners? Why risk it? What's wrong with one? Why is her husband okay with this? Why allow a man to take advantage of a woman?
And I have had sex, three guy friends that were sorta boyfriends, but none at the same time, i'm with one of them right now. I could not imagine being with all three at the same time, different days of course. I'm not sure if they would even be okay with that. My mom is sharing herself, I could never do that.
Plus my mom wants me to have a new rule, that is no sex outside my house. She wants me to be safe and comfortable. I can ask her for all the privacy I want. I am seeing somebody right now, i don't think he would be okay with my mom knowing that we're having sex.

You know, most people, in a lifetime, will not have only one sexual partner. Last I checked, the average was around 7 (and for some of us, that's actually a very low average: like I said, I'm someone who in my lifetime has had far more partners than that or your mother, so you might also want to take a beat and consider that saying "so many" about people's partners isn't particularly respectful). As well, plenty of people won't have only one partner at a time, and even though monogamy is still what's most common in our words, for a lot of people, that involves serial monogamy (one partner right after the other) situations where there's overlap between one partner and the next, so more people than you might think often wind up with more than one partner at a time.

I also want to say that I hear that you think your mother and stepfather's choices have something to do with higher risks or men taking advantage of women, but I'm not sure what you mean by that or where those ideas are coming from. Risks -- physical, emotional, social -- are involved in any and every relationship, and it';s just not so that having one partner automatically means less risk in a general, universal and unilateral way than having one. That's all really situational.

Can you ask your stepfather to talk with you about this? It sounds like you have some questions about how he feels, and he's going to be the best -- and potentially only -- person to answer those.

Per what your mother is asking, I think it's fair and sound for you to ask her about negotiating that. However, where I'd challenge you and your partner is to consider that it should be find with both of you that your parents know (if and when they do) that you're having sex. I personally think it's a good thing for young people, because navigating this on your own as young people without adult support can be needlessly tricky. If your partner is uncomfortable with your mother knowing, then I think it's on them to work out why and do their own work to get okay with it, you know?