apologizing to a former friend

[tinygoblin]

currently i'm really torn if i should apologize to somebody who i went no contact with. we had quite a lot of problems in the last year and i decided half a year ago to suddenly cut off contact because i couldn't take it anymore. during the last months i thought about it quite a lot and i'm really ashamed of my behaviour.
the problems in our friendship where mainly that they wanted to spend more commited time with me which i couldn't since i was in a really bad place and felt extremly pressured to include them in my life choices and was really scared to upset them when i put down boundaries they did not like. they needed me to stick to plans and communicate a lot about my feelings which i didn't. during our talks about our friendship i did not openly tell them that i could not do these things and needed a break from our friendship. outwardly i did agree with them and tried to follow their wishes but it added even more pressure so i continued cancelling plans repeatedly and stopped to bring up my own wishes and expectations for contact openly until it was to much for me and i ended the friendship really suddenly after we agreed to repair our friendship. i realised now that it's not wrong to not be able or to not want to do these things, but that i should communicate them openly. i was just so scared to tell my truth that i just did what i wanted being their back but agreeing with them in our discussions.

we see each other sometimes and they're always so stressed that they leave the room or similarly, and i avoid going to places where i know they are there so they don't have to deal with me. i know that my behaviour triggered them immensly and reminds them of their former abusive relationships. i am really sorry that me not being able to communicate openly resulted in them being hurt over and over again since they wanted us to be friends again so badly they gave me a lot of chances.
i have no intent to be friends again and i think they just never want to talk to me again (mutual friends said different things). but i really want to apologize since i did not behave careful and honest and want to make amends. at the same time, i cut contact half a year ago and i don't want to hurt them again with entering their life again, i don't even know if they are open to an apology since i don't think they trust me at all to be honest after i quasi-lied to them about my own boundaries and feelings towards them. it's alright if they don't want to see me ever again and i can't control how they behave around me, but i just really want them to know that i aknowledge my behaviour as hurtful and don't think it's alright. i also don't want ignore mutual aquaintances anymore because i'm so ashamed how i behaved. i want to do the hard right thing and be accountable.

so should i apologize to them even after i went no contact, have no intent of being friends and i suspect they are really really angry and hurt? and how can i do it without causing even more harm?

[char]

Hi tinygoblin,

I think apologizing is a good idea, since it shows that you are remorseful of the harm you've caused to your former friend. However, I understand your concern that your apology can cause more harm, such as coming off as manipulative (e.g. saying "I'm sorry if you feel hurt") or passive-aggressive. But as long as we can form a comprehensive and sincere apology, then commit to what we've promised, our apology should be good to go. As we know, ultimately it's up to your former friend to accept your apology or not, but that is beyond our control. We can help you draft your apology, if you'd like.

i have no intent to be friends again and i think they just never want to talk to me again (mutual friends said different things).

Could you elaborate on what your mutual friends said about this? What makes you feel like they don't want to talk to you again, despite what your mutual friends told you?

[tinygoblin]

one friend told me a couple weeks ago that my former friend would like to talk to me because they don't understand why i cut off contact. i wasn't ready to talk to them so i said i don't want to talk. another aquaintance told me a couple weeks after that that they don't want to have contact with me ever again, but it was just a passing comment not "xy told me to tell you". since they never told me directly i don't know what to believe, and i don't want to overstep their boundaries of no contact just because i want to apologize. but i also don't want to ask friends to ask them, but i don't want to send an apology per text message without checking in if an apology might be okay to recieve.

[maille]

hey there tinygoblin,

It seems like you have put a lot of thought into whether to apologize or not. On one hand, your apology could provide both you and your former friend with some clarity on what happened and why the friendship dissolved. On the other hand, this could stir up some upsetting feelings for your former friend.

I have a clarifying question: Did your former friend tell you that they wanted to be no contact? If so, it may just be best to let things rest and abide by their boundaries. If not, I think asking if they would be open to receiving an apology, like you mentioned, is an okay plan.

[tinygoblin]

no, they did not tell me directly to stop contacting them. but they also always left places the second they saw me. i still did not send the text since i'm probably overthinking again. i'm just really scared that i'm making things worse by asking, as we had a lot of conflict already before i cut off contact. i just never told them when something bothered me and let stuff pile up until i cut them off, so i think there's a chance they might not believe my apology since i was repeatedly untrue about my boundaries before, and we've been in very draining apology-and-conflict circles before. (and tbh i'm also angry about some stuff they did (but i now it's not my place to tell them that now) and don't want to be friends at all since we have very different emotional needs. so i'm worried about opening a can of worms)
i also don't know if it's a selfish motive if i would like them to accept my apology and them being able to coexist with me in common spaces. i can understand if they don't want to, but i'm worried that i'm just doing more harm then good. i also think that offering them an apology and closure letter might come off as one sided and i'm not giving them the space to talk about their side. at the same time, i don't really want to talk to them, i just want to stick to my mistakes and get it off my chest.

i'm just putting the decision off for weeks now and i hate it that i'm so unsure whether it's the right thing. as i'm prone to procrastinating and not talking about my feelings texting them would probably the right thing i guess....

[amber]

Hi tinygoblin !

Have you tried writing out the apology for yourself? It sounds like there is a lot of good that could come from you simply getting the apology out of your head and onto a page (or your phone's notes app).

Once you do that I think your head could be more clear and allow for an easier decision process when it comes to sharing the apology or not. Does that sound like something you'd do?