Scarleteen

hello! I'm 14 (almost 15) and have a bf! he has had sexual relations before. we talk about stuff like that over text, and have kinda 'prepared' to do something like that in a few days. it'd be oral, but I'm still petrified. I have hormones, and obviously have urges, but this is a lot. he respects my boundaries very well, but I can only really see me being able to do these things in my head. additionally, I am not even allowed to date by my mothers rules. he comes to my fathers house and that's where we hang out. we've kissed and tried to make out, but its rlly awkward and doesn't do anything for me. I would be absolutely annihilated by my mom if she found out I even talked to him about doing that. itd be my first time doing anything like that. what do I do? am I too young? if I go through with it, does he need a condom? any advice?

So, if you're petrified of doing something sexually, that's a big, big sign that it isn't right for you.

You're also making clear that you don't actually feel a strong desire to do this AND that you have good reason to be really worried about the trouble this could cause if your parents found out.

We can talk together about all or any of those things, but it sounds like the first person you should talk to is your boyfriend to let him know that this is moving too fast for you and he needs to slow down and know that doing anything like this in a few days is scary for you, not right for you. Do you think you can do that and do you think he will be mature and understanding in recognizing that what he wants isn't right for the pace you need?

my mind keeps changing about it. I feel more okay about it now, and we've established at most we'd do hand stuff (sorry if it's TMI). I think I get less nervous by the day, but some stuff about sex just makes me disassociate. I know he wont cross any boundaries, but I am scared I will. I don't know why intrusive thoughts make me this way, but I'm scared I'll do more than he is okay with. I'm scared in general. I have a feeling I can get away with it with my parents and stuff, but I'm also paranoid I'll tell the wrong person and the whole world will know. I'm just paranoid in general.

It's not TMI at all, I promise we've heard it all. I agree with what Heather said; it sounds like, with your paranoia, you may not be ready for this step and that's okay! I think if you aren't 100% sure that this is something you want to do right now at this moment in time, that you shouldn't do it until you are certain you're ready. It's natural to be nervous, but this level of fear isn't healthy for anybody involved! Did you get a chance to talk more in-depth with your partner about this, and was he understanding?

I did talk with him! by today I was comfortable with doing it. we were both nervous and it was fine. but his arm got tired and he didn't need anything from me past a certain point. I was a lot less nervous than I expected. my problem now is that I cant really stop crying. I don't know why. he's been gone for like 3 hours and I just feel so confused. I think Ive gotten way too attached easily and am having separation anxiety like a dog. or that's how it feels.

Hi 26beanbags - I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling so upset!

You know, I don’t think there is anything particularly strange about feeling a bit unbalanced after sex - it happens to a lot of people, and is why we often recommend planning for aftercare. I also don’t think it’s possible for your feelings to be ‘too much’. Even though it might not be practical or viable to spend time with your partner right now, it is so understandable that you might want comfort or reassurance from them. Try to be kinder to yourself.

Could you tell us a little more about these feelings of confusion? What thoughts are coming to mind for you? Do you have a sense of what would help you feel better?

now that i am thinking about it, there wasnt any aftercare. neither of us really got what we wanted so i just put my clothes back on and cleaned myself up. after a few minutes of sitting in silence i could tell he was upset, and i told him im not mad. im not mad, i just wish he'd communicated some things. it was awkward for like an hour, then we went back to normal and talking. i guess im just confused because it just felt like wasted time and unrealistic expectations. last night i was upset and crying for no reason. i suppose im just not used to doing something so personal, and having it be not like i wanted just felt like a bit of my heart was chipped away at.

Hey there <3

I am sorry to hear that you had this experience, and that it’s left you feeling upset. It can be really upsetting when you do something more vulnerable with someone and it doesn’t go as expected. I hear what you mean about it feeling like your heart is chipping, and I appreciate you sharing that feeling. You’re not alone in this experience, but it is a really crummy one indeed.

I hear you that you view this as time wasted. It does sound to me like this was a painful experience, and that it wasn’t what you expected, but it sounds like it was one where you learned a bit more about what your needs are, emotionally and physically. How does hearing that make you feel? Too, do you have an idea of where you’d like to go from here with this, or an idea of what sort of support would be helpful right now? We’re here for you.