Scarleteen

I am having trouble feeling comfortable with my aunt. This is pretty long so I apologize, but I feel like it's needed because of context.

I currently live with her, but since the beginning she's always mad at me for not doing things right. she will often accuse me of doing things purely out of assumption and won't let go of these assumptions no matter how much I try to tell her they are wrong. for example, when I was sleeping she banged on my door and I shook awake she then started yelling at me to clean the toilet seat because I left something there. I genuinely do not remember leaving any mess but she was still angry and raised her voice. I cleaned it up anyway.

another time my uncle was calling me and I was fidgeting with this cool toy in my room, not hearing a single thing. Then she bursts into my room yells at me then threatens to bring me back to my hometown. so I started crying because I was scared, I really didn't wanna go back to that environment. my environment was just me constantly witnessing adults fight (verbally and physically) all the time and my grandma and me were constantly getting into disagreements. so I started crying because I was scared, I really didn't wanna go back to that environment. so my dad decided to drop me off at my aunts house.

I even remember when I was 12-14 my aunt told me I was manipulating them into fighting because I went down to my dads room to sleep instead of doing a task my grandma did and that made them start a fight and conflict. she's always had this thing where she thinks I'm sending my dad after people to start fights or to defend me when I am doing wrong. I am not. I do not like them fighting.


she also hates the fact that I like girls and had threatened to tell others about this and then when I told my dad (because he has the right to know that stuff) he had a panic attack in her messages unbeknownst to me... my dad always knew I liked girls, when I came out to him he was supportive. but when my aunt told me to show him the messages of him finding out, she saw the message where I responded "yay" to him accepting me and then asked me "why is that a yay?". then I was told that I came second to my dad because he was her brother. She then told me that I should "stay away from my brother" because he sent these messages. as if he's not my own dad. just her brother. that really hurt me. I don't really think this is my fault because I didn't want him to react that way but I have doubts.

let me be clear I am far from the model child and even FAR FAR FAR from being able to do the bare minimum that a child should (really bad hygiene, lack of motivation in general). I'm constantly forgetting to do stuff, I lie a lot, and I don't do stuff because of lack of motivation (I am getting tested this summer for sensory issues because this has always been a huge problem). mostly the lying has been because I don't want to be yelled at or get a lecture. I really hate her lectures, sometimes she bangs or slams things and raises her voice and it's scary. it usually makes me shake. but I don't really do most of this stuff because I hate her or want to make her life worse, it's because I need help and did not really grow up with adequate parenting because my dad is also not really mature and is severely mentally ill.

sorry this is really rambley.

what really put the nail in the coffin was when I was putting my food in the trash with my knife and was fixing my position because my knife was about to slip and my cousin who was by the sink was near me and she was worried I was gonna poke her. I didn't really have a problem with this because I don't want to hurt my cousin but what really made me upset is when she started assuming I was using the knife to eat my food and other things. That's a rule basically.

After that she just got more and more angry because I corrected her and then accused me of not wanting to apologize to my cousin. I stayed silent this time. She then grabbed the knife and started poking me to show me how it felt. she poked me on the shoulder multiple times even though she knew I was comfortable. Then when I went to wash my dishes she poked me on the back (I really don't understand why she did this). She threw my headphones that were around my neck across the room possibly breaking them. I was still silent. Trying to wash my plate.

what really pissed her off is when I removed the knife from the sink which she had put in there and placed it next to the island of the sink right next to me. this is when she started throwing the knife over and over at the sink. this was really scary and I was shocked and I started shaking. she threw it hard enough that I could feel air near me. I was scared because I was at the sink and she could've hit me if she wasn't careful then she had broken the plate I was washing in the sink (she later said that was an accident I truly don't believe her but whatever, what's the point in fighting over that truly).

She then told me to go pack up my stuff and I was looking for my headphones on the ground that she threw and this wasn't me leaving fast enough for her so she then went over to where I was trying to grab my stuff and took my phone and stuff. Idk whether I tried to leave or not, but she then threw a book at my stomach. At this point I was really shaking and I was tired so I yelled "you don't get to throw knives at me and expect me to be calm" (something like that, but the throwing knives was real). this is when I ran downstairs to my room which she chased me angry because I said she threw knives at me.

At this point I was just sticking to what I said and even said that I felt the knife graze my ear. this was just wrong and I wish I just was quiet and let her throw that book at me. She then told me to go to apologize to my cousin, I did so easily because I didn't really have anything against that in the first place. after that I called my other aunt, I'll call her aunt 2 and told her what happened, I said that I think she threw the knife at me but my aunt denied it. then I went to sleep.

the next morning she continued to lecture me and said I thought I was higher than others because I was silent while she was lecturing me (which is confusing because even if I talk she's still mad). then I went by. I don't really remember how many days passed because this moment was blurry. Then there was this morning where I told aunt 2 that I have just accepted that it didn't happen because she said that it didn't. i then later got a call from her and we talked and she said confronted me about the lying which I admitted, she then said that I was also misleading her because I said that she hurt me and usually that means blood is involved. I really don't think that's true because that's not what I meant, I was referring to the book.

Now I told aunt 2 that I wasn't ready to talk with my aunt because I didn't feel safe. she did not listen to this. she allowed her to lecture me again when I got home and I wasn't allowed to speak until she was done. the problem with this is I really didn't feel like I could garuntee that she would actually give me the space and like I said earlier I simply wasn't ready for the conversation. I said multiple times I'm sorry about lying during the lecture but I was incoherent because she wasn't even being truthful about the story either. on the call she didn't admit to poking me with the knife fully, she only claimed to poke me on the shoulder. that is a lie. she then continued to say I think i'm better than everyone else because I'm quiet, then said I was trying to run away that is why she hit me with the book (that doesn't justify that imo, she literally told me to leave too).

I then decided to run away to my room because i noticed I wasn't ready for this convo, she then tried to stop me by blocking my way so I pushed her away from my path. It wasn't strong but one thing I noticed is that she purposely yelled and stepped back dramatically while aunty 2 was on the phone. as if she wanted to make it seem like I did something catastrophic and then she said "see she pushed me". ??? I'm just odded out by this. I then went to my room. I told her about how she threw the knives and how I was sorry but she threw the knife near the sink I was washing at and so I was scared. I also said that I was 16 so i'm going to act immaturely, not as an excuse, but as a reason why I was reaction so badly to the situation.

she then left me on the phone with this aunty 2. she then tried to talk to me and I interrupted and went on a rant. then after a bunch of my incoherence because of shaking and stuttering (I was really bad at making coherent sentences without stuttering ever since a friendship breakup that happened the last school year where I lost all my friends and lost some social skills) she then spoke up. she told me two wrongs don't make a right because I said that I only acted that way because I felt scared and she was accusing me of things I didn't do.

then she kept on telling me that I was also assuming things about how my aunt feels about things that I don't know. she also told me to be humble because when she's done something wrong, she doesn't tell her side of the story she lets the other person say their side and then just apologizes. She told me to think about how I responded to the conversation and eventually left and said we would talk about it. I didn't want to talk about anything with her or my aunt. After 2-3 days I strictly bought my own food with my own money I worked for and I avoided my aunt completely.

I was still affected by the situation so I called my dad to tell him what happened. and I never tell him what happens because I know he'll get all dramatic and he will threaten to take me away (he has kidnapped before, and after this incident he's threatened to do so multiple times). I told him to promise me he wouldn't overreact. I really regret telling him this even though he didn't do anything, but I have no other parent in my life and I really wanted someone to talk to about what happened. I did not say my aunt threw the knife at me, just said it how it really was.

I try to push down the memories but it keeps coming back and it's really upsetting.

In the future I really want to apologize properly to my aunt about my behavior but I'm really scared of her. It's gotten to the point where I start shaking every time there's even a slightly stressful situation (debate in class, disagreement, etc.) but especially conflicts with her (I do try to hide it though). It even happened this week where I started shaking in class and it was just embarrassing honestly. I don't even like being in rooms with her. My speech got even worse after this situation and I started to grown resentment and hate for both of my aunts.

I don't like that I want to love them I just don't feel safe anymore. I really wish we could talk about it so I could apologize for my behavior but Idk. I haven't really gotten an apology from her either so I think it's gonna be a long time before that talk happens. I really hate how I responded but I look back at the time that happened and I dont think most 16 year olds my age would've responded rationally and I shouldn't ruminate on it so much. but still!

How do I become more comfortable with my aunt? And how do I stop the shaking and improve my speech?

It's also made me prone to some suicidal thoughts which I don't really enjoy either. sorry for the long message, but this isn't really a situation that started because of one incident.

Hi there, Ls2verice

I am so sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling this scared and stressed. I hear that you’re looking for ways to become more comfortable with your aunt, and address the immediate problem of your anxiety. I would like to help with the second, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask yourself to achieve the first. You have some very good reasons to feel uncomfortable with your aunt, and it looks like her actions are a significant cause of your anxiety.

I understand that living in your aunt’s home might be preferable to the environment that you were in before, but this still seems very unhealthy for you. All the difficulties you’ve described with meeting the ‘bare minimum’ just sound like someone who is struggling with their mental health. These are things that can happen without any external pressure, and you wouldn’t be to blame if that was the case. But I think anyone in your circumstances could start to feel depressed and anxious. You haven’t been immature or irrational, you are in an abusive situation.

The truth is that there is nothing you could do that could possibly justify the way your aunt has been acting. From your description, it seems that she has consistently behaved in some incredibly aggressive ways: getting angry, berating and threatening you, throwing objects (throwing knives!)… even when you try not to engage, it looks like she harasses you until you get upset or defend yourself, and then she paints herself as the victim. It is just wild to me that she accused you, a child, of being manipulative when this is how she acts. (For this reason, it might be best to take your aunt’s reports of what happens between your father and her with several grains of salt. Even if your father did have a panic attack after you told him about your sexuality, that could not be your fault or your responsibility.)

Your aunt is bullying you, and it looks like your other family members, like your cousin, are going along with it. At the very least, your second aunt seems to be enabling your first aunt’s behaviour. She minimises your pain, and pushes you to apologise, forgive, and get along with your first aunt when she hasn’t shown you any of the same consideration.

I’m so sorry that multiple adults in your family who should have been there to support you have acted with such an astonishing lack of maturity or awareness - it seems like this has been happening for years. I’m afraid trying to become more comfortable with your aunt may not help your situation - you can’t become comfortable with abuse. What would you think of finding another goal here? We could talk about ways you might find external support, help you plan to leave, and help you think of ways to make living at home bearable in the meantime.

At this point, I want to pause to make sure you’re safe. It is deeply understandable that your circumstances have provoked suicidal thoughts. Whenever you’re thinking about hurting yourself, or even when you’re feeling really bad emotionally, would you contact a hotline? These services will respond quickly where we can’t, and their staff usually have the training necessary to help with crises.

I will try to contact a hotline when that happens and I have before, I just sometimes forget about it in those moments when I do have those thoughts. Honestly, I really like my cousin, but we aren't really as close as we used to. It has gotten better as I have started to be more social with her and her little cousin. but it was hard. sometimes when I'm talking, they just don't answer me, as if they ignore me (I think it's because I ask dumb questions ngl, but i'm just trying to socialize after losing most of my skills). their dad, my uncle, also ignores my questions sometimes and doesn't really say anything when they ignore my comments either. During that whole freak out about me liking girls, I remember bringing it up to my church friend with my cousin and my cousin just giggled when it was brought up. I don't think they are bullying me, I just think they don't really grasp the severity of the situation as they usually leave by the time it's escalated or are young when it happens (which is true for both the knife situation and the situation I just described). so I really don't have any resentment when it happens, that's just how it is! Maybe that will change but I don't really feel the need to expect much from them.

I am safe right now! obviously still living with my aunt but I am often at work or at school and have created some distance. but I thought a little bit on what things I want help with in relation to anxiety and here are a few:
- I need help regulating with shaking and stuttering
- Is there any resources for people who keep getting distressing memories involuntarily?
- I usually process things said to me 3 seconds later which makes it hard to socialize, is there anything that I can do to help with that?

other than that, I was thinking about cutting off or at least creating distance with my family in the future. Like almost all of them, maybe I'll keep in contact with my cousins. but it all seems very scary. when my third aunt who is 7 years older than me and her mom (who I see as a sister and a mom, they are really kind and I miss them) moved out without notice and cut the family off, my aunty 2 and my dad talked trash about them and said that she was a witch. I worry this might happen to me. I really don't want to, but what do you suggest I should say to them when I want to make this boundary clear (that I want to be distant)?

also, that conflict about me liking girls also included finding out I did not believe in God and she was pissed. How could I also express that when I'm older, what should I do if they keep making me feel bad about it?

Hi Ls2verice!

When it comes to your anxiety, I think it’s important to remember that other people won’t respond to disagreements and other stressful situations the way your aunt does, nor will they have the same unfair expectations for your behaviour. When you’re at school and you remember something distressing or start shaking, I imagine that you are not actually in a dangerous situation. So, a key way to reduce these feelings of anxiety might be to remind yourself that you are safe, or reinforce a sense of safety.

In terms of practical steps that you can take in this regard, I think you should look into grounding exercises, or breathing and relaxation exercises for anxiety. Look up these terms, find exercises that you like, and practice them regularly to get into the habit. Then, take a minute to try them whenever you think of a distressing memory, or when you feel like you can’t speak.

I know how difficult it can be to participate in conversations when you need time to gather your thoughts. If there are people who you can trust to listen, like your friends and maybe your cousins, you could just be honest. Tell them that you often need a moment to process what is being said to you, and ask them to be patient and listen for your response. They could wait a little, or they could circle back to you once you’re ready. Using the exercises I mentioned to feel safer and more grounded might also help make it easier to think.

It’s interesting to me that your last questions seem to be about boundaries, and how to respond when people object to your boundaries. The short answer is that you can’t really control how your family will respond if you try to set boundaries with them. You can only influence your own behaviour. It isn’t fair that your aunt feels that she has a say over your religious beliefs and your sexuality, and it doesn’t seem right that your father and second aunt would call your third aunt a witch for not wanting to live with them. But there is nothing you can do to stop them from being this way. Instead you might focus on reducing the effect of their actions on you.

How you go about setting the boundary of distance will depend on your comfort and your needs. If you don’t need their support and there is no other reason you need to stay in contact with them, you could state it explicitly. Otherwise, you could go about it implicitly, by staying in contact just enough to get what you need, and making yourself less available otherwise. Whatever you do, a clear message alone will not stop someone who thinks you’re not allowed to set a boundary in the first place.

What would you think of reaching out to your third aunt and her mother? You’ll have to do this without telling people at home, but since they have direct experience with your family’s dynamics, they might be able to provide good advice about the process of leaving.

I actually am still in contact with my third aunt so I think I could do that. Through roblox. she doesn't want to give me her phone number, probably because of privacy reasons and not wanting her information to be possibly found out by anyone else (I would never tell anyone, but still, probably wants to be safe). When I see her in game we are able to talk to each other. I could talk to her about it through the chat, it's just very censored!

my only worry is opening up past wounds or that she might not give me the advice.

It's understandable why you're hesitant, and it's very kind of you to worry about opening past wounds for her. It shows you really care about her. The truth is, you should show the same amount of care for yourself - you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your living situation, and I'm sure your aunt agrees. Whether she'll give the advice or not is up to her, but I think it's worth a shot asking and maybe seeing if there's a different place to talk that isn't as censored. Maybe she can call you from an anonymous number if she's worried about you knowing her phone number, I'd try asking that and see what she says. <3