Scarleteen

In my early 20s, I noticed a loss of libido compared to when I was a teenager. In fact, these sexual things make me feel a bit sad and disgusted. Is this expected at my age or is it a sign of mental illness?

Hi Bonobo,

While I wouldn’t say this change is exactly expected at your age, people’s experience of sexuality can change through life for a number of reasons - mental health difficulties are one.

I think you might know that we don’t think there is anything wrong with experiencing sexual attraction, and that it doesn’t inherently harm other people. Where do you think these feelings of sadness or disgust come from for you?

i was raised as a mormon so it's kinda my default state. However, I will reflect more on the issue.

Hey there,

I hear you on this. If you’d like to talk here about it a bit more, we’re here for you. We could talk more about how being raised Mormon affects you, or more about the shame/disgust you feel. But if you’d also like to just reflect a bit before continuing, we’re here for that too.

They make you confess "sins" like masturbation to the bishop, just you and him in a room with portraits of the First Presidency staring at you. My bishop was also my father, so it ruined our relationship. For me, this misery started when I was 13. It must be worse for girls, however, since they also have to confess to the bishop. In any other context, this would be unacceptable, but the halo of religion changes everything. Apart from these experiences I had no sex education.
They're the reason I grew up with my Black mother believing we'd all be "white and delightful" in heaven. They send their missionaries here to shape our culture according to Utah values. My family's purpose today is simply to follow their rules and pay them money.
I wonder if I would have been so sexually unresolved if I had been raised under other beliefs. I avoided romantic relationships and formative experiences to follow their rules. And it was all for nothing; there's no God behind this bullshit, just rich, geriatric men humiliating my family.

It's hard for me to get on board with any culture that shames people for their natural body sensations when those sensations aren't harming anyone! Shame comes so naturally to us humans because we are attuned to community and do not want to be excluded. That makes it really hard to risk ostracizing yourself from your community by untangling yourself from values that you have been taught for years. I'm mixed race and black too so it's even more disheartening hearing that part of the values you were taught were also anti-black!

I found a great guide in our archives that might help! I also found an article written by a black woman about the way anti-blackness impacts love and relationships for black people.

• Undoing Sexual Shame

• Unlearning Unlovability