Scarleteen

So. How can I start this message. Small disclaimer, this is not about sex, any other sexual activities really or even genitalia. I kinda feel like I need to say this because many of the others messages are on that topic. Also, there will be a couple questions and it will be awfully specific so it may be unuseful to others who are looking for info. So, let's get started.

I am in a relationship with a girl (both 16 yo) for, like, 8 month but which became love since like 5 months ago. It is for both of us our first relationship of the kind, and we are kind of lost. We could hardly hug after one month of seeing each other everyday, not because we dont want it, but because we dont have the courage (especially me). For kissing? Took more than 4 months. Each time we did something "new" (hugging, holding our hands, kissing, laying our heads on each other etc...), it was always her who introduced it.

I feel like Im asking for too much so I try to relativise and tell myself that it will never evolve, but I also feel like I dont do enough. She told me, clearly, that I should try to do things, new or things we already did, but I always feel like I'm hindering her, even if she did not say anything or did not act this way, because I didint even tried doing something! So, first question: what can I do (I know its a very, very open question, sorry about that, dont hesitate to ask more about that).

Also, sometimes, when we are hugging, my thing down there erects, and I know that it isint because of sexual want, but I dont want her to feel it, even if she isint the type to jump to conclusions and think that Im a pervert or something, but I always, like, back away a little, but this is annoying, because sometimes I dont even notice and she doesnt seem to notice it or be embarassed about it. Really, I do not care that it is like, pressing on her almost, but I dont want it to embarass her, to make the situation almost, less pleasing. What should I do? Should I try not to care or is there a way not to have an erection?

Again, with the hugging thing, this is quite normal I would say, but her breasts often press on my chest, and I do not know if it hurts, or if it does anything really that would alter the quality of the hug. She doesnt seem to care, but I fear that she tries not to seem like she cares for my own confort, but, yea. Also, yesterday for example, same problem, kinda, we were on a bench, she lied down and put her head on my leg, took my hand and brought it down to like her belly, and my forearm was like, touching her breast and I was trying not to touch it, but it just made the situation awkward for myself, and I know she doesnt care, and I dont care either, I care about her maybe caring about it, and its basically all the same question, what can I do for me not to care, or at least, care less about it, especially if she was the one who made me touch (accidentally I would say) any thing of that sort. Thats basically it, so, if anyone took the time to at least read the message, thank you so much, and if you awnser my questions, just, mwah

Hi HappyCell, and welcome to the boards!

Just to check first, when you say that she’s been the one to introduce each of these more physically intimate activities, are those things you wanted to happen, and were you okay with it? I ask because you both are allowed to say no to things you don’t want to do or don’t feel ready to do.

I hear you that you don’t want her to feel it when you have an erection. Erections can happen when you’re aroused, but it can also happen when you’re relaxed, or when asleep, and even at random times. I wouldn’t recommend trying to minimize one, but it is possible to place a pillow between you if you don’t want someone to feel it, or to tell the person not to have their body touch it. Know what I mean?

I am also wondering how much you’ve spoken with her about this. Would you feel comfortable talking to her about this, perhaps asking how she feels about it if you’re worried or want to know; and letting her know how you feel, what you are okay with and not okay with in regard to touching?

Well, thats the thing, I'm totally ok with new stuff, and I tried to talk about this with her, but never did I talk about this specifically... And for the erection thing, I dont really care about her feeling it, I care about her maybe caring about her feeling it yk? And, to put a pillow, hummm, I dont really see how, but, okie, thanks anyways, imma manage it on my own, oh well, wish me luck, and again, thank you so much!

Hi AHappyCell,

We are happy to keep talking about how to navigate these conversations and moments of physical contact that have felt somewhat awkward. Navigating romantic relationships can be challenging and confusing. But that's why we're here

If you did want to keep chatting about this, it might be helpful to think about how those conversations that you've tried to have with her about your concerns, whether that be trying new things or about touching, have been. What was helpful/unhelpful about them? What you wish you would have discussed? What are your feelings or concerns about discussing these things with her?

If you are wanting to work through this more independently, you sound like a caring and thoughtful person which are great attributes to bring to these types of conversations and you're always welcome to pop back on the boards for support whenever!

Just wanted to mention that you are not alone in feeling awkward in these situations especially when it comes to erections. I have learned to just accept my body for what it is and not be too embarrassed by it. Hopefully you guys are able to talk and discuss boundaries around what you guys feel comfortable with!