am i a perpetrator and do i deserve anything in life (tw; sa)

[bbbjjnn]

okthryegd so when i was still in daycare i was about 10-11. there was just a day where i was sitting with my legs spread just because i prefer to sit that way or used to and this girl of eight years if im remembering correctly just sat right there on my lap i guess???? and i think she bounced a few times and it felt nice so i told her to shake around a bit and then asked her to get off of me. it was a brief encounter but the more i learn about cocsa and sexual assault in general i've begun to wonder if that is what took place here. it sort of feels like we both interpreted it as a game. even though i was older than her. i feel like i shouldve known better and i absolutely hate myself for every second of it. when i told her to move around on me it wasn't a question but i don't think it was threatening either. i dont know. i wanna say that i have spent so much of my childhood exposed to porn and being sexually taken advantage of but it feels like i'm trying to excuse myself. i don't know this girl anymore and i don't know how she feels about it but i know how i feel. i'm not worried about forgiveness because i don't feel like i deserve or need to be but i do wonder if i should even be allowed to exist. i dont need her to forgive me and i of course hope it hasn't affected her but i have no way of knowing now. i just wanna know what i should do from here. i hate that my own sexual trauma has made me like this. recallijg this has made me suicidal and barely able to sleep. it is all i ever think about now. i know my guilt doesn't get rid of what happened. but i really just don't know what to do

[CaitlinEve]

Hi bbbjjnn.

I want to start by saying that I'm sorry that you've experienced your own sexual trauma. I don't think you're a bad person. I think you deserve to exist! A lot of what is classified as Child-on-Child Sexual Assault ends up being something that is normal for exploration and curiosity during sexual development. From what you've described, it seems like this encounter lacks the coercion or threatening that is typical for assault. Do you think it's possible that due to experiencing your own trauma that you take a harsher viewpoint on yourself for something that feels the same? You were a kid too and while kids are capable of committing sexual assault, it doesn't sound like that's what happened here.

What I would recommend, if possible, is looking into therapy. I think being able to talk about this with a therapist could be incredibly helpful to you.

[bbbjjnn]

i mean this is likely considering every time i think about my own sexual trauma i end up feeling like it doesn't matter with what i've done. i've been told to get therapy a few times already and i want to and understand i should but it's not something i can just stick into my schedule all of the sudden. it's not as if we can't afford it but it is just complicated. still, i sincerely appreciate your input. i've had trouble allowing myself to feel sad because it feels privilege-y to be. i do wonder about this coercion and force thing. i don't feel as if i did either of those things but children cannot consent and knowing this makes me feel weird about the situation anyway. i know i didn't know better because i went on to be the victim in a sexually abusive relationship just a few months after but it feels like "so what?" im sorry if this message doesnt make sense my thoughts are scrambled

[Latha]

Hello Bbbjinn! Don’t worry, your message makes sense.

I have some thoughts on your posts:

‘Do I deserve anything in life?’ and ‘Should I even be allowed to exist?’ do not seem like questions that come from fair and objective analysis. Rather, they come from a place of intense pain and guilt. I agree with Caitlin - the situation you described seems a lot like the innocent sexual exploration that many children do before they learn more about sex. This is really common, and it is not a problem.

But I think guilt is distorting this picture for you. It… is building a rigged case against you, where no evidence in your favour can ever matter. You don’t think you used coercion or force, but you still feel weird. You were a child who didn’t know better, and a victim as well, but that isn’t relevant. You were sexually abused, but it is privileged for you to feel sad about that. As Caitlin said, this is a very harsh way for you to view yourself. I know it can be really difficult, but try to treat yourself with more compassion. You’re allowed to feel upset about what happened to you, and your pain does matter. You are allowed to exist, and you deserve good things in life.

We often recommend seeing a therapist because it can be very helpful, but it’s understandable if you can’t start right away. There are so many barriers to accessing therapy, and it isn’t easy in the best of situations. That said, when you’re up to it, I think it would be worth it to put some effort into finding a good therapist. It sounds like you’ve been feeling really bad - you deserve to feel better. If you want, we can help a little with the process.

[bbbjjnn]

how so exactly

[CaitlinEve]

We can provide you with information on what therapy looks like as a process as well as help you find a therapist you mesh with, if that's something you'd be interested in!

[bbbjjnn]

that would be nice but i think im too young to get something like that in order

[Heather]

Hey there, bbbjjnn.

I'm afraid that the volunteers who worked with you just spaced an imporant policy we have here at Scarleteen when someone comes in saying they are feeling suicidal. I'm sorry about that.

Before we can work with you, we need to be sure that you are safe from yourself when it comes to suicidal ideation. We, as an organization, don't have the resources to help you with that, but if you want help finding those resources, we can direct you to some. If and when you're feeling safe, then we're absolutely happy to work with you more. This isn't a punishment or anything for your feelings or saying you are having them, just us making sure we're not keeping someone in any kind of danger from safety. <3

Do you need help finding that help and support?

[bbbjjnn]

i dotn know i feel like dying all the time but i dojt know if im strong enough to if that's anything. im sorry if i seem uncooperative. i dont know if im allowed to say but i've been considering relapsing on self harm as well.

[Heather]

You’re allowed to say, but it sounds very much like you aren’t currently safe with yourself. I’m so sorry.

Let’s see what we can do to help with that first, okay? Is there someone safe for you to tell in person who is a good support for you?

[bbbjjnn]

a few friends but im worried about putting too much on them or making them feel responsible for me or something
ive been told to tell my parents or a trusted adult but as a person of color mental health isnt something viewed as a genuine problem if that makes sense

[Heather]

I understand. If you don't have adults in your family or community that you feel like you can talk to, then you don't. I'm sorry for that, too: that's a really isolating position to be put in.

Are you in school, by any chance? If so, does your school offer any mental health services?

In terms of your friends, maybe ask yourself if you'd feel that same way of one or more of them came to you if they were feeling the way you are? I know for myself, if and when my closest friends are in a very bad way, I always want to know and do what I can for them. I don't feel burdened by helping to carry my friend's burdens.

How do you feel about hotlines? Crisis Text Line may be a good option for you for this: https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/ Blackline may abe another: https://www.callblackline.com/

[bbbjjnn]

ill be sure to have these in mind. i really appreciate these

do you mind if i ask about another situation about my own sexual trauma?

[Ro S]

Hi there bbbjjnn,

Before we can talk about other things we can help with here, we need to ask that you talk with someone who can provide some support for you with those thoughts of wanting to relapse with self-harm and suicidal ideation. We just don't have the resources here to help you in the way that may be most supportive for you right now.

Those resources that Heather shared in the thread are great. From personal experience, I hear you on mental health concerns being dismissed by our loved ones as a person of color. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling isolated at the moment because of this too. The second resource Heather shared, Blackline https://www.callblackline.com/ may be a great resource to check out as it centers providing support to BIPOC.

Do you think you'd be willing to reach out to them? Once you get that support, we will be here to revisit any other questions or concerns you've got <3

[bbbjjnn]

i dotnknow im too scared
i dont know why but im scared
i am willing to contact them when those thoughts are at their worst
will that suffice???
can we really not talk if i dont?

[Jacob]

Hi bbbjjnn,

It makes sense to be scared, not least because these thoughts are biggest when they are in your mind. So imagining speaking to someone about them can feel like it would be to breathe something dangerous and huge into the air. However, usually speaking about those thoughts/feelings with trained professional usually has the opposite effect, can feel like a relief and is often part of those feelings becoming smaller, and easier to understand and manage.

It's definitely good to reach out for support when you're in crisis... but it is often even better to also attempt to reach out when you're feeling "better". Relying on waiting for things to get "bad enough" to reach out, includes assuming that this right now is not "bad enough", which is hugely unfair on you. From what I'm reading you have plenty enough reason to seek support, you don't deserve to be feeling the way you are, and nobody should be suffering this way.

We can keep speaking to you about seeking support, and finding support that works for you, but it would be reckless of us to drift onto other topics if you're telling us you're at risk.

[bbbjjnn]

okay i understand. i did message them but i was told the message wasnt able to send. im not sure what to do from here

[Jacob]

Oh huh! Good job for trying! Which one didn't work?

I think Blackline is mostly calls (rather than text): 1 (800) 604-5841

And then for the crisis text line I believe you need to text the word CONNECT to 741741

If you like, I can try and find helplines closer to you if none of those works?

[bbbjjnn]

i was able to talk to the crisis line it helped a lot. thank you for the resources. do you think this should be something consistent? im sorry if that's inconvenient but i'd take any alternative to therapy that wouldn't take getting my parents involved.

[KierC]

Hey there bbbjjnn,

I am so glad to hear that you engaged with the crisis line, and also glad to hear they were able to help you. In terms of whether consistent support would be helpful, I think it certainly could be helpful, especially if you were feeling in crisis, if you’re still feeling a bit low, or if you have any sexual trauma or painful history you’d like support with. As Jacob said, even when you don’t feel *the most* low, it can still be a good idea to reach out for help, because you really do not deserve to be suffering this way, you know? Nobody deserves that.

I’m hearing you, though, that you do not want to get your parents involved. Do you have any thoughts about seeking out mental health support or counseling at school, if your school provides those services? The crisis line is always there for you when you’re feeling unsafe or in need of immediate help, but I also think adding on more regularly scheduled mental health support could help ease the frequency or the intensity of the more difficult moments. How does that sound to you?

[bbbjjnn]

that would be nice but the counselors at my school have not done a very good job at handling any sexual trauma reported. disregarded sexual assault reports and things alike.

[KierC]

Hey bbbjjnn,

Ah, I hear you on that. I am sorry to hear that they disregard assault reports, and I can definitely see how that would make folks hesitant to go that route. Do you have any trusted teachers at school or other adults, like a friend’s parent or a relative in your life, who you could approach about this?

[Jacob]

I don't know if this is exactly what you were asking a couple of replies back, but I do think you can keep calling the crisis line if they feel right for you. I know that many helplines have "regular callers" and folks that they get to know and look forward to hearing from.

I'm also sorry those school counselors don't sound like they have the best track record! It can be useful to remember that therapy and all mental health support is mostly about giving you a space, a physical space if it's a therapy room, or space set aside in your schedule, where you feel able to slowly do the work you need to begin feeling better. In that space it is always your efforts that lead to progress. So while nobody wants a bad therapist, you can certainly make a decent amount of headway with an okay therapist/counselor. If you want to investigate those school counselors more (if there are multiple, maybe one feels more trustworthy than the others?) I'd bear that in mind, but ultimately still trust your gut if it feels off.

I'd even say that when you're feeling right on the edge, and a risk to yourself, any mental health support is worth reaching out to, because at that point really we're fighting a big bad aren't we? So whatever keeps you here, alive and able to seek better care tomorrow is worth it.

[bbbjjnn]

i saw her again. i feel so bad. i hope shes doing okay.

[CaitlinEve]

Hey bbbjjnn,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with seeing her again. Are you okay?