Tips for Survival [Possible Triggers!]

[CraftyLeopard]

Hey there! First, I'd like to say thank you for this site!!! I've been lurking for a long time, and it has helped me in so many ways

That said, I've finally found the courage to ask a question of my own! I've read through all the rules and I'm not super sure if this is allowed, but I don't really have better options and I figured there's no harm just asking. If this isn't okay, feel free to ignore this!

I was wondering if anyone on the team has tips for how to survive a bad sexual situation that you can't get out of? I know the team is (understandably) not equipped to handle long-term dangerous situations, but I'm hoping that just giving tips on surviving without me going into too much detail on the situation itself might be possible. I've spoken to professional resources, but there are a bunch of legal / political challenges that make it equally unsafe to get out! So, how do you live through something hard when none of the usual resources work?

[Jacob]

Hi CraftyLeopard,

This is OK to ask, but difficult to answer without more information!

If we're talking about surviving traumatic situations without getting out of them, the first step is still to try and get out of them. Then begins the work of recovery. We usually can't recover from something while we're still in it, and in many cases our trauma responses are the things which initially protect us from pain (think missing memories, etc) and then it becomes a matter of processing all of that because you are now in a place of safety, not instead of getting to a place of safety.

But that's speaking very broadly, and it's hard to say anything more without the specifics!

[CraftyLeopard]

Hi Jacob,

Thanks for replying and sorry about not providing more specifics! It doesn't really feel safe to do that on a public forum – I figured it would be pretty counterproductive if posting about this got me in more danger.

Gotcha on what you said about trying to get out of the situation though! Unfortunately, I really don't think it's reasonably possible to get out right now. It's nice to know that all of the trauma responses aren't bad though (I totally relate to having incomplete memories, so that was a good example for you to give because I find it really scary to remember in bits and pieces)!

I suppose the best step forward might be to just lean into the trauma responses and let them take the lead? Obviously I'll try to get out of the situation if I can, but that isn't possible for the foreseeable future, so I'll maybe learn how to work with my trauma responses to survive for now!

[KierC]

Hey CraftyLeopard,

I just wanted to pop in and send some support and let you know we’re thinking of you over here. <3

I hear what you’re saying about working with the trauma responses to survive for now. Do you have an idea of what that might look like for you?

Truthfully, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend leaning *into* trauma responses as a way to make it through, because the top priority right now is your physical safety and finding a way out as soon as you can (even if all you can do right now is make a plan). Too, it can be tricky to say how to survive an ongoing abusive situation apart from getting out of that situation. More generally, I think it’s unwise for anyone to suggest to someone enduring abuse that the pain and suffering and threat to safety can be lessened while still enduring it. Know what I mean? All that’s to say, you don’t deserve to be in this situation, and I’m here for you and want to help you survive this.

I have a question, though you don’t have to give any detail or info that you don’t feel comfortable sharing, and feel free to disregard if you don’t want to answer or don’t want to provide details. Do you have a form of support system or community around you right now? Leaning on community, reaching out for support, and telling them what’s going on might help here.

I also want to send you this resource we have on our site, The Scarleteen Safety Plan. I know you may not be able to get out right now, but even if you can make a plan for the future, this is a helpful guide to making a plan to get out. There’s a plan for when you live with what’s going on, and a plan for when you do not live with it. How does that sound to you?

[CraftyLeopard]

Hi there,

Sorry it took me so long to reply to this - life's been hard! The support here is helpful though, and I've been reading the safety planning article lots. It's been comforting to read and plan a little, even if it all feels like a pipe dream.

Frankly, I think I may not have a choice about working with my trauma responses to survive, since they're going to happen anyway? But I was thinking things like not fighting it if I'm scared or lose memories or stuff like that, and using those responses to survive instead.

Yeah, I get what you mean about not wanting to suggest that anything other than getting out is bearable. I guess it's hard to explain in detail here just why getting out is impossible? But I hear what you're saying.

And I don't really have a community! I do have friends, but they agree with me that getting out isn't possible, and I think they feel quite helpless at times. I just don't want our whole friendship to be about this, yknow, even if my own life is about this? So I'm pretty much alone right now in this respect.

Sorry this is so negative! It's just hard, but I'm still working on surviving.

[maille]

I hate to hear that life has continued to give you a hard time, but glad you made your way back to the boards. So glad that the safety planning article felt applicable to your situation and could provide a small semblance of comfort.

We can not advise that you lean into these trauma responses as I think they will do you more damage in the long run. I do hear you saying that they seem like the only possible move at the moment. I think what I am understanding you saying is that not fighting the pain you are enduring will be the way you survive. Does that sound true of you or am I misunderstanding? Either way, no matter what course of action you choose to take, none of this is your fault and you deserve much much better things in life.

I hear you saying that you feel like you lack community and also rather keep friends as a safe escape. I am glad to see you seeking advice here, but also wonder what kind of resources you have as far as professional therapeutic help goes? I do want to acknowledge that those resources may feel very few and far between as you seem to be worried about sharing details of your situation.

Would this be a space you would consider talking about some of the barriers to leaving in?

Our whole team is sending you strength!

[maille]

I also wanted to tack on this article that is a bit different than the one shared with you previously. Feel free to read and follow up with questions!