Am I gay or bi?

[a_chill_guy]

Hi, I'm new here! I have been confused about my sexuality lately. I currently Identify as gay (I'm a cis boy) but I have identified as bi in the past. I have felt arousal from both men and women. However, I find that the arousal from men is paired with very strong desire and the arousal from women from women feels hollow. I've only been romantically and emotionally attracted to boys. I tend to find women attractive often but I notice that there is no wanting for romance or sex. On the other hand, When I find boys attractive, there is a desire for romance and/or sex. For the women part, I think this is only aesthetic attraction (Tell me if I'm wrong). Lastly, My fantasies are completely geared towards men.

Please Answer, I just want to have this figured out once and for all.

[Latha]

Hi and welcome, a_chill_guy!

I couldn’t tell you which word you should use, because the right answer here is whatever feels best to you. However, we can talk through the problem until you feel more sure about it. Here are my initial thoughts:

Words like gay or bi are very useful because they help us understand ourselves, and help us relate to and communicate with other people. But we can’t actually draw rigid lines between these identities. Being bisexual doesn’t mean you have to like men and women in the exact same amount or in the same way, so there are definitely bi people out there who feel similarly to you. There are also lots of people who call themselves gay because their strongest attraction is to people of their own gender. Each of these are valid ways to describe yourself. The good thing is that you can’t be wrong, no matter what you choose. You can change your answer as many times as you need. If it feels right, you could even use both terms — at the same time, or in different contexts to communicate different information.

What do you think about this? If I may ask, do you feel any pressure to have this figured out?

[a_chill_guy]

Hi Latha!

I mean I think I'm gay, but puberty might have me thinking otherwise. I've noticed that when I try to have a heterosexual fantasy I feel uncomfortable tension and my brain tries to turn off the fantasy. However, when I have a homosexual fantasy, there is no tension, I feel comfortable with it, and I am able to finish the fantasy. This is the primary reason why I have come to the conclusion above. After all, puberty can make people's brains go a little wacky which is why I got confused.

[Anya]

Hey a_chill_guy,

You are totally right, the changes we experience in our bodies and brains in puberty can surely have an effect on our sexual orientation, sometimes just based on the fact that you may be thinking about it way more than usual as you grow into your likes and dislikes.

Latha makes a really good point that I want to reiterate to you: labels are just words. Sometimes they can be profoundly helpful in expressing ourselves to others or feeling like there's a place just for us, but also sometimes it can be limiting.

I suggest you move forward with what feels good. There is no need for you to try to be attracted to a group of people you aren't, or even one person you may think you're "supposed to like." Keeping an open mind is pretty much always a good idea, but certainly not to your detriment if you find it makes you uncomfortable. Your experiences, crushes, and feelings are all your own, all unique. So unfortunately, they may not all fit in a box someone else designed. But the good news is that, like you, no one's fully do.

Here are a couple of our articles I think you might wanna check out!

The Bees and the Bees: A Homosexual and Bisexual Primer

From Erasure to Ownership: A Bisexual Journey
(*side note: I know you didn't mention bi erasure, so feel free to take what you relate to and leave the rest, but I do want to highlight something). Alice Rona begins this article by stating a really powerful affirmation. The affirmation goes like this:

"Repeat after me: my sexuality belongs to me, it is what I feel or say it is. How I identify can change as I grow older, but whatever it is now is what it is."

There is also no timeline here! You do not need to figure everything out right now, as urgent as it may feel. There's always time

How does all this feel? Please let us know if you have more questions once you've given the articles a look!

[a_chill_guy]

Hi Anya,

It feels clarifying and I think I'm gay given all the information

Thank you so much! This really helped!

[Andy]

So glad to hear talking here has been helpful!

We are here whenever you have any other questions or needs.