I feel horrible after my first sexual experience

[Alice37]

So, I (18) just had my first sexual experience and it was technically fine, but now I feel horrible and I don’t know why.

For background, I’ve always been repulsed by the idea of sex. I like romantic stuff and kissing is fine (the act itself is meh but I guess it makes me feel close to someone) but that’s it. I’ve been sort of waiting for a sexual experience to happen so that I know if it’s really as bad as I feel like it would be, like maybe I’m just young and would like it when I try it. It’s just always seemed kind of… eurgh. Like waaay too intimate and pretty gross as an idea. I mean, genitals are really gross anyway, let alone doing sexual acts involving them. And I still haven’t done full sex, but the other night was the closest I’ve got by far.

I’ve just got back from solo travelling and the other night in Paris I was out with a group of people from my hostel and we had a lot of wine, and then I was walking back to the hostel with a guy (23) from the group and he kissed me and invited me back to his room. I knew he wanted to have sex and I’m not totally sure whether I wanted to do it instinctually (I definitely felt more open it than I ever would usually because of the alcohol, but not like I reeaally wanted it). But in my drunk state I decided to do it mainly because I thought I’d better get a move on since I’d still never done anything before. And it seemed sensible to have a go at sex with someone who was nice enough and who I trusted, but who I wasn’t going to see again and not someone I really really liked necessarily, so that I’d have a sort of idea of how it works when it really mattered. I’d known this guy for two days and wasn’t attracted to him at all but I was confident that he was a basically trustworthy guy, especially as he could see I was hesitating and he was putting lots of emphasis on how we would only do what I wanted to do and I could stop or go back to my room whenever I wanted. So I went to his room and we got into bed. We kissed lots and then we got undressed but kept our underpants on which I was very relieved about because the only thing that didn’t get better with the wine was my random and intense fear of penises. He was kissing my body etc and I was trying to reciprocate although I wasn’t really sure what to do. He basically felt me up for a while and then I said we could have sex because, to be honest, I’ve been thinking for a while that I wanted to just get my first time over with, so that I knew what it was actually like. So he tried fingering me but it hurt before he could even get it in so he stopped, and then we tried again but the same thing happened. He said it was okay and we went to sleep together, and I said goodbye and left in the morning. I wasn’t repulsed by it while it was happening, like I always thought I would be, but it also didn’t really feel pleasurable - I think I remember it was kind of exciting at points and I definitely enjoyed feeling like someone was attracted to me, but I don’t think I really had like a sexual pleasure feeling. It felt a little bit strange and was overall just like fine, like I still don’t really get the point - I remember him saying stuff like “I love your breasts” and “do you want to touch my butt” and I remember thinking like… okay but why? Those just feel like weird things to be saying to another person, like why is everyone so obsessed with touching each other’s bodies? But yeah, overall it was not too bad and that’s kind of beside the point.

Soooo the problem is how I feel NOW, ever since I woke up afterwards. It was a consensual experience that didn’t even go that far, so why do I feel so awful?? The most I’d ever done before was kissing (with one person two/three years ago and not even proper kissing) so this was my first sexual experience ever. And since then I’ve just started to feel more and more weird. I feel like I’m gross and unclean for some reason? Like, I can’t believe I actually did that - that I let him put his hands and mouth all over my body and touch me in that way, and that I was that intimate with someone. Especially a 23 year old fully grown man (who knew my age & inexperience) which is so weird because I don’t even see myself as a proper adult yet and 5 years is a lot at this age. But even with anyone. It’s horrible it makes my skin crawl, it just feels insane like I don’t even know why anyone would want to do that?? It’s so invasive. It feels kind of weird and perverted almost… it’s like a weird combination of feeling guilt/disgust at myself and also like someone has done something to me. And I really really hate the idea that someone’s seen my naked body (literally no one has before), it feels so private. I feel weirdly exposed. I want to throw up whenever I think about it, like I actually shudder and get nauseous. My body feels dirty like I need to wash it off, like there’s something still there from him touching me and like I can never get it off now. And I was touching him too, not his penis but just his body which still feels gross and horrible. And I would NEVER do any of it now/normally/while sober because I’m way too nervous and self conscious and don’t like the idea of sex, so it feels so weirdly distanced from who I actually am. I feel like I’ve done something horrible and disgusting that I can’t undo. And it was consensual, I was drunk but not enough to make consent dubious I think - I was still like fully conscious of everything happening (and he was a bit drunk too). I’m aware that some of the things I’m saying sound like what people who are sexually assaulted say but I wasn’t?? Why am I having this reaction to a consensual experience? Why do I feel disgusted and almost violated by a something which I literally agreed to and did not feel violated by at the time? And how can I make this feeling go away? I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

[Alice37]

Also sorry for the incredibly long post haha it’s been really bothering me and I think I just ended up waffling a lot

[Heather]

Alice,

Don't worry about the length of this. I'm glad that you found us and glad that right from the start, this feels like a place where you *can* drop all your feelings and thoughts like this, especially around something causing you so much suffering.

I want to start by letting you know that a situation in which you, as you said, had a lot of wine, and where the person you were sexual with knew that, and someone who knew about things that can create power differentials between you -- like age and experience differences -- but they still initiated sexual things with you is actually not fully consensual sex. Like you said, you did things you wouldn't have done sober. That's incredibly common when alcohol is in the mix, which is why people who have been drinking to the point it alters their thinking or decision-making aren't people who are considered to be able to give meaningful consent.

So, part of why this likely feels so bad after the fact is because it was not actually truly consensual sex. Him checking in again and again is pretty irrelevant. That sounds to me more like someone trying to cover their own ass -- but still get what they wanted -- than to assure consent. If we want to assure consent when alcohol is in the mix we do that by not initiating anything sexual at all with someone who has been drinking and waiting for that until they are sober. Heck, if we even want to put a pin in it because we're really into someone, we can say something, or leave a note with them, to the effect of "Next time you're sober, I'd be very into fooling around if you are," or something.

I'm also hearing that you simply feel regret around all of this, and wish that to the degree that you made choices here, you hadn't made them. Even if this had been fully consensual, something being consensual alone doesn't mean it will be a good experience or that we'll automatically feel good about it. We can have experiences we don't like or feel good about even when there's no abuse or other harm in the picture. Things like being with someone and not liking the whole vibe of the thing, feeling more vulnerable or exposed than you thought you would, and just not enjoying yourself are also all things that can make you feel bad about something and feel regretful.

I don't think anything is wrong with you. From what you have described, including how you feel about sex in general, I'd be pretty surprised if you weren't feeling the ways that you are. I'm so sorry.

How do you think we can best help you from here? Are there any pieces of this you want to pull out and talk more deeply about? Would you like some more help processing these feelings? Do you want to talk some about how we can be unable to undo bad experiences but still move past them? Do you want to talk more about figuring out what you want from here?

Let me know, and I'm happy to do any of that with you, or take this anywhere else that feels right for you. <3

[Alice37]

Hi Heather,
Thank you so much for your response, it’s really helpful and I’m very relieved that I’ve been able to say all this to someone because it’s been on my mind a lot.

With regards to consent - I’m honestly not sure how to define it. I was sober enough to be aware of everything at the time, and to remember everything afterwards, but definitely my thinking and decision-making was altered. Although he was quite drunk too, less drunk I think but still drunk. However, he was very clear before we even went to his room that I could say no and we didn’t have to do any specific thing, and he checked in a lot throughout. And if I remember correctly, I knew he wanted sex, but it was me who actually said we should do it when we were kissing in bed (even though in the end we couldn’t get there, and he stopped immediately when I said so). So I was fully agreeing and consenting. I think I was pushing myself into it maybe but I don’t think HE was pressuring me. The only thing I do feel weird about is the initial circumstances… that I was a nervous 18 year old with no experience who’d had a lot to drink, and a 23 year old man still thought it was a good idea to have sex with me. Like, consensual but a bit weird, you know what I mean? I agreed but why did he offer?

I guess what I wanted to talk about was the feeling that I’m having now… I’m confused that it’s only happening afterwards. I didn’t feel pleasure during the act but I definitely didn’t feel upset or disgusted or ashamed like I do now, I was fine. It was only afterwards that I started to feel bad. It feels strange that I feel this strongly negative about something that I didn’t necessarily feel negative about at the time. Why do I only feel disgusted in retrospect? And also how strongly I feel about it. It’s occupying a lot of my thoughts and it’s such a strong feeling of repulsion. I don’t really know where this feeling has come from - I mean, a lot of people have sex they regret but they don’t get like this about it?? Like, in the grand scheme of things it’s just sex. And we didn’t even get there so technically it’s just touching.

I do now think some of it is about the age gap. At this age, it feels like a lot. Like, he had a beard and a masters degree and I still feel like a teenager. He’s more mentally developed than me, and it also means a big physical difference - a 23 year old man looks a lot different to the 18 year old boys that I talk to at school. I feel disgusted that a full grown man has seen and touched my body and vice versa. And if I was a few months younger it would be considered statutory rape in plenty of countries, which feels very odd, you know like it wasn’t long ago.

But in any case it feels like a weirdly strong feeling to have. What’s done is done so I don’t know why I can’t just go, “oh, that was a bit weird,” and move on. And I don’t know how to get rid of the feeling because I don’t know why it’s there. Is this a reaction to sex or to that specific experience? (As in, if the circumstances were changed would I still feel like this, is it a reaction to any sex with anyone?). I am also quite worried about sex in the future based on this.

[Heather]

Hi again, Alice.

I hear you that this is one of those places where consent feels complicated, because it is. At the same time, it sounds like this person was more sober than you -- and given their age, likely more experienced with even knowing how they feel when drinking, and probably knowing more about what their limits are than you -- and better able to communicate. From where I am sitting, it looks to me like this really wasn't fully consensual and like they had more power here than you. You seem to also be pretty clear on that, too. If you want to talk more about consent, I'm happy to do that and to share some information here on the site I think might be helpful.

I also think it's important to recognize that another thing alcohol will do is change the way you experience something. It's pretty typical for things to feel better to people when they are drunk rather than sober: it's a lot of the reason many people drink or get drunk in the first place. I suspect that, and the truth of some of this starting to land, is why you feel bad now in ways you didn't at the time.

I don't think it's fair to expect yourself to "just move on" so soon after something like this. You're having big feelings, understandably, and this wasn't something minor. It doesn't feel minor because I don't think it was or is. I'd figure this is something you might need to give yourself some time to at least initially process over the next couple months.

In terms of how this will or won't impact sex in the future, that's not really something anyone can project for a lot of reasons, including not knowing what those sexual situations in the future will be: what you will want, who those partners will be, what kind of relationship you'll have with them and sexuality, you know?

[Alice37]

Thanks for your response. I suppose it wasn’t really that minor - not for me at least. I’d really like to start to process and deal with this and try to move on so I’m not thinking about it or having this feeling of disgust - do you know how I can do that?

I’m also not sure what to think about the fact that I didn’t feel anything throughout. I’ve never experienced any sexual feelings before and always thought sex would be gross, which is why I sort of pushed myself into doing that because I wanted to see if it actually was or if it could make me feel any pleasure. It wasn’t too gross but I still did not feel anything physically and I’m not sure why.

[Heather]

I'm about to hop into a meeting, but I'll circle back when I'm done to pitch in more around both of these things for you, Alice.

In the meantime, here are a couple pieces that might start to fill in some gaps for you:
• I've only had sex drunk: how do you have good sex sober?
• Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex -- there is also a consent piece linked at the bottom of this article if you want more on that to get started on.

[Heather]

Thanks for your patience.

In terms of starting to process this, I'd start with how you generally process hard feelings. For example, are you someone who processes things best by writing, like in a journal, or by talking to people you feel safe with -- be that a friend, family member, therapist, or a helper like myself -- or by emotional releases like crying, or some other way? Whatever generally works for you when it comes to emotional processing, I'd at least start with that.
I will say this: NOT thinking about it isn't going to work to process it. We have to think about the things we're processing. It's just one of those things where the only way out is through, you know?

Per things not feeling like anything of note for you physically, I can think of a few reasons for that. For starters, it sounds like you had a lot of alcohol, and alcohol does inhibit sensation and arousal. Those are simply two of the sexual effects it has. We also tend to have to be turned on to feel a lot of sensation with touch, and while it sounds like you were curious, it doesn't sound like at any point in this were you feeling desire or arousal.

I'm afraid that I am going to have to head out of work today a little earlier than I'd planned. I will be back tomorrow, and we also have some other staff who may be here if you'd like to continue the conversation with someone besides me (both is also an option).

You may also find some of this piece and the resources mentioned it it helpful: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/s ... do-i-begin

[Alice37]

Thanks Heather, I’ve read all the pieces you sent me and found them very helpful - I feel like it’s cleared up some stuff for me and given me some definitions, and I feel more informed for making decisions in the future. Although I wish I’d been more clued up about everything beforehand. I’m also planning on maybe mentioning this to my friend and talking to her about it. I just don’t know how to get past the fact that I feel very ashamed and disgusted at myself about all of it which makes me not want to mention it to anyone.

[KierC]

Hey Alice, my name is Kier

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here. I was reading through your thread and wanted to come in and offer some support. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you, that he chose to do that. It is not your fault, and you’re not disgusting or bad at all. I agree with Heather here in that it sounds like there was a power imbalance (age gap + experience gap) that was used, and I am so sorry that it happened to you. Nobody deserves that, ever.

I’m glad you found the articles helpful, that it cleared up some terms, and made you feel better about the future. I also hear you that you wish you’d been in the know about this earlier. It is really helpful to know about consent and communication, for sure! I can empathize with that feeling of wishing you’d known, too. But I don’t want you to take that feeling on as an indication of like, something you could’ve avoided or something you did wrong. This was not your fault. How does hearing that make you feel?

Talking with a friend about this sounds like a really good idea, though I hear you that the feeling of shame is making you not want to talk about it. There is nothing to be ashamed about for asking for support, and nothing to be ashamed about for this happening to you. That power imbalance and the lack of consent is not your fault. Is there a specific way you’re experiencing that feeling, though? Would it help to talk a bit about what that’s like for you, or would something else help? Whatever you need, we’ve got you. <3

I also think, if you feel badly about this, reaching out to a friend like you’re planning may actually help with those feelings of shame. Friends are typically friends because of mutual appreciation and mutual support, so if I were to guess, I’d say your friend probably really cares about how you’re doing and wouldn’t judge. How do you feel about the idea of telling this friend about what happened? Do you have any concerns or need any support surrounding that?

[Alice37]

Hi Kier,

I think I keep thinking about it because it feels like it was very avoidable - I could have just said no, because I did have the choice put to me and it wasn’t like he pressured me, or if I didn’t drink in the first place then I know it wouldn’t have happened. So I just wish I’d been more sensible about it and that I had realised it wasn’t a good situation. Which is one of the reasons I feel ashamed. I guess I also feel kind of exposed. Like there was a level of privacy and security I had before which I don’t have now, because I hadn’t done anything and no one had seen my body.

I think my friend would be understanding about it, I’m not too worried about her reaction. I guess it’s more about getting past my own aversion to saying it out loud.

[KierC]

Hi Alice,

I can empathize with that feeling of going back and seeing where you could avoid certain things, but I also hear you that it’s contributing to feelings of shame. I think, at least to some extent, putting ourselves in the mindset of “what if I hadn’t done this, or what if I’d instead done something else” can lend itself to some more bad feelings than we need right now, know what I mean? Particularly when you’ve gone through an event where power dynamics were used against you, it’s important to stray from “should”ing on yourself whenever you can. How does hearing that land with you?

I am so sorry that this happened and that it’s made you feel exposed. Do you want to talk a little more about how that feeling of exposure shows up for you, either in your body or any adjacent thoughts that pop up? I wanted to ask, too, how is your self-care right now? Sometimes when we feel really exposed and like we don’t have the privacy we deserve, some more restorative self-care can really help with feeling more centered and safe.

Hope you’re taking care today, and know that everyone here is here for you and sending support. <3

[Alice37]

Hi Kier. Thank you so much for your responses, I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t had this space to talk about it first of all. I’ve been trying to put it out of my mind for the past few days to see if it goes away (although as I’m reading back through this I’m remembering I was advised earlier to not do that), but it hasn’t worked. I still haven’t told my friend about it, I was going to but then in the moment it just felt like confessing something really bad that I’d done? Like I was confessing to a crime or something. And I couldn’t do it. In response to your question about feeling exposed - I guess I had this really strong feeling of privacy about my body and no one had ever seen or touched it, and I just wish they still hadn’t. I feel like that’s gone now. And I just can’t believe I put myself in a vulnerable position like that - I mean, I didn’t really know him and I was so drunk that I fell asleep in his bed immediately afterwards without my clothes on, which was so stupid. For all I know he could have taken pictures of me while I was sleeping. He had the opportunity to do something worse and I put myself in that position. I don’t like looking at my body because it makes me remember that he’s also seen it. I’ve been nervous to say this because it sounds dramatic but I’ve been having panic attacks because of it, I’ll remember it at random points and then just think about it until I have a panic attack. I still get a physical nausea reaction when I remember it and want to cry. I’ve also been having bad dreams about it, not the exact memory and not his face but very similar things happening. I don’t know why I find it so disturbing, I know this is such an over dramatic response - like I know it was bad but it really wasn’t bad enough to warrant all this. My friends have drunk sex which they regret sometimes and they laugh about it afterwards, it’s just a bit embarrassing for them and that’s all. And it wasn’t like something that happened TO me, even if the circumstances were weird I was an active participant and agreed to it, because in the moment I thought I was a bit behind in terms of having sex and I should probably get it over with. If I hadn’t agreed to it he would have probably backed off. I’m really frustrated with myself I don’t know why I’m reacting like this. I’m also sorry for taking up your time with this, I’m aware there are people on this site who have had genuinely traumatic experiences. I’m just having a bigger reaction than is necessary or expected and I don’t know what to do about it.

[KierC]

Hey Alice <3

You’re not wasting our time at all. Your wellbeing matters to us, and we’re here for you.

I hear you that you’re really frustrated by how you’ve been feeling after this event. Just so you know, none of the reactions you’ve described strike me as unreasonable, overdramatic, or unexpected given what you endured. What happened is not fully consensual sex, and when things like that happen without consent, bodies can react in a number of ways to protect from that pain and harm; it’s a trauma response. This can include feelings of nausea, wanting to cry, or not wanting to look at yourself. So, all that’s to say is I think these reactions are not unreasonable. I think they signal that you endured a frightening and possibly traumatic situation that is really impacting you afterward. I also hear you that this has been a painful time, and that it really hurts to remember. Can I ask, how has your care routine looked recently? Is there anything you do that helps you feel better when these memories pop up?

I also hear you blaming yourself quite a bit, and I want to help release that if we can. What happened is not your fault, and you’re not stupid. You are allowed to go out with your friends and be in a vulnerable state, and it doesn’t mean it’s your fault if somebody takes advantage of you. This is something that he did to you when you were unable to fully consent. You aren’t bad or anything. You’re a person who, just like everybody, doesn’t deserve this. How does hearing that make you feel?

Also, do you think it might help to practice what you’d want to say to your friend about this?

[Alice37]

Hi Kier, thanks for your reply, I’m really grateful for your help. I understand what you mean about blaming myself - I suppose if I think about it I didn’t do anything that bad, I just wish it had all happened differently. But I guess that’s not really a helpful thought process now. I’m also not quite sure what you mean about self-care and what that would look like? I guess right now I don’t really do anything when these feelings pop up, I just wait for them to go away.

I do also really want to mention this to my friend so that someone close to me knows, so working out what to say would be really good :)

[Latha]

Hi there, Alice! I hope you don’t mind that I am responding — I’m just on shift right now, but I’ll ask Kier to check in on this as well.

Sitting with your feelings and giving them time to pass isn’t a bad strategy, but it can be helpful to try some other things as well. Since you’ve been feeling a lack of security and privacy with your body, self-care might look like engaging with activities that give you sense that you are safe and that your body is your own. Do any activities come to mind with this description? You might look through our article on self-care — it lists some examples, so you could see if anything stands out.

Reading your posts, I think there might be three things that you would want to communicate to your friend to start this conversation:

• You had a sexual experience that has left you feeling pretty conflicted, ashamed, and unsafe.

• You want to talk about it with them.

• You would like their support and reassurance. (I think that telling people what you need can help them get into the right mindset. )

These are the basics, and it is likely that you won’t have to say much more than this to get their attention. Is there anything else you would like to say to them?

[Alice37]

Hi Latha, this is really helpful, thanks. I’ll check out the article and I’m seeing my friend tomorrow so I’ll try to talk with her about it :)

[Heather]

Glad to hear it, Alice. Is there anything else we can do to help you or support you at the moment?

[Alice37]

I think I’ll be alright for now as I’ve got a sort of plan for dealing with it - thanks for all of your help though

[Heather]

Glad we could. <3