Was I the one that was wrong?

[StellaBella]

Last month I had this 13 year old boy that grabbed my breast at a friend's birthday party, he didn't ask if he could do it, he just did it. I was shocked and pissed but I let it go, and part of me was a bit okay with it later on. I figured out who he was and found out that he was the little brother of a friend of mine.
I saw him again a weekish later, and I would do the same thing to him, payback I guess, and that was something that just kind of went back and forth for a while. More sexual fun for me, more curiosity for him. Dumb on my part? He always asked if he could, he never did try to simply grab me without permission.
And then we had sex. My idea, i made the first move, and it happened. After we were done he went home, and I could see he was a bit shocked when he left.
Next day he texted me saying that he wishes he never did it.
Later on and he tells his mom, his mom tells my mom,, and now i'm sitting here wondering what happened? My mom is not in any way mad at me, i told her the truth on everything, we don't keep secrets.
Now I can no longer see him, his sister wants nothing of me, and his mom completely hates me.
This was all fun for us, no relationship between us, we always laughed when we did anything together. Maybe I pushed it too far? I knew I was his first, but I didn't think it would all end like this.
My mom said stick with boys my age and I will do that, i might stay away from virgins as well.
And I never did tell his mom on what he did to me that first time, and maybe I should have. What he did was inappropriate, i'm sure it wasn't his first time doing it either.

[Heather]

Hi again, Stella.

You're right, what he did wasn't appropriate.

I also don't think you grabbing him -- as payback, or period -- was appropriate either. All around, this just sounds like it was really bad vibes and two people being sexually aggressive in ways that aren't generally interpersonally healthy or likely to result in everyone feeling good about it. Grabbing someone who doesn't want to be grabbed and hasn't said okay isn't ever okay or healthy for everyone involved, and doing something sexual to someone to get back at them for something they did isn't either. It sounds to me like from there, it was a matter of someone very young and immature (the 13 year old boy) not knowing what was going on with someone older -- and probably not even understanding aggression was in the mix -- and then him doing something that was probably way, way ahead of where he's at developmentally. What he said about it seems to support that.

I have to say that doesn't actually sound like it was fun for him, and since you started off with it as a kind of payback, it doesn't sound like that was exactly about fun, either. I also have to say I'm not surprised it ended like this, and I think it's probably for the best that you two don't interact again.

I don't think this was about someone being a virgin, exactly. You (or anyone else) could be someone with previous sexual experience who becomes a partner with someone without any in a much different way and have this go very differently. For instance, I think if you two had actually talked about what you were doing and what you both felt ready for this probably would have gone very differently: in other words, if you came to a first-time partner treating them with extra care knowing they were new to all of this, it would usually go very differently. I think the reason this went this way wasn't about first timers in general, but about what was a first time for someone that both people came to without any real care or consideration for that. Do you see what I mean?

I hear you that what he did wasn't okay, and like I said, I agree with you. It absolutely was not. It's not okay to sexually harass or accost someone, ever. But at this point, I think you'll do best by him and yourself if you just keep your distance. It sounds like he really regrets this, to the point that he went to his mom about it, and like he might even be scared and hurting. There was a window where you or someone else could have told him what he did wasn't okay rather than all of what went on instead, which might have actually been a way for him to know what he did wasn't okay, but that window feels very solidly closed now, you know?

I do think that 16 and 13 is a pretty big age gap sometimes when it comes to development, especially with the gender difference, too. Cisgender boys usually develop more slowly than cisgender girls do, both physically (they're more behind in their puberty process) and emotionally. So in general, yeah, someone closer to your age is going to usually be a better way to go for sexual partners.

But I think the thing that was the biggest problem here was the lack of clear and open communication, the lack of shared care for and about each other just as people, the lack of taking each other's stage of development in mind, and the fact that this whole thing started with aggression, anger and other stuff that generally is never a recipe for anything good when it's part of a sexual interaction. Being sure that moving forward you and anyone you're sexual with actually care about each other -- even if it's casual, that still always matters -- and are treating each other with kindness, respect and being in communication as you make sexual choices together is going to prevent this kind of interaction a lot better than just choosing people of a certain age will.

Do you want to talk through this some more, or figure out next steps? If so, happy to do that with you.