i've been having some problems with mom lately and need some advice. (i know i have been posting a lot .. but i have never found a space like scarleteen before and i prefer it much more to reddit. i love the work you all do.)
this is a longer post... my mom and i have always had a very turbulent relationship—i often think she's the person that understands me best, until there are times she says things that make me think she doesn't at all.
a lot of the problems in my mental health history are inherited from my mom and so she knows intimately how to deal with them and speak to me in a way that reaches me.* a lot of times she takes a "tough love" approach—which has made me uncomfortable and feel unloved in the past but is also the only thing that will encourage me to get things done or improve myself.
i think part of the reason i inherited those problems from her in the first place though is because of that same tough love approach. she treats my issues very flippantly unless they are life threatening. she would often tell me that in spite of my problems, the world would continue to turn, and that my issues truly are so small in the scope of things. i don't think this is necessarily an unhelpful sentiment, because it has helped me to calm myself down in the past, but it's the sort of thing i need to be worded delicately for it to get through.
her communication style made me harbor a lot of resentment for her in my teenage years because her words failed to inspire me, and i instead wasted most of that time being confused, frustrated and ping-ponging between wanting to distance myself from my mom / wanting to be close with her more than anything in the world. it has gotten a lot better since i turned 18 but there's a lot of residual tension and anxiety that can set either of us off.
*i know that past paragraph might seem contradictory, because i said earlier that she knows how to reach me. the truth is that my receptiveness to what she says is a gamble, and so is the way she expresses herself to me. i guess we are similar in that regard. just a couple changes to how she words things can make a world of a difference to me. i am autistic and take advice extremely literally, so i think carelessly worded advice is unhelpful. she is also prone to name calling and comparing me to other people which can make me less receptive too.
i know she loves me, and she is trying to help me the way she knows how. my mother received very little support growing up, and i'm grateful for what she's given me and the lessons she's taught, because it's what she would have wanted from the adults around her. i think we fail to see eye to eye so much because of a generational difference. not to say people her age (and even older) are incapable of learning different communication styles and connecting with younger people, but she has a lot in common with other people in her age bracket, you know what i mean?
i have tried to reach out to her about how she makes me feel, but it is difficult. my mom wants me to be more open with her, but it feels like she uses my emotions against me (she knows i am a sensitive person and that i take things literally, and she likes to say things while feigning sincerity to get an emotional reaction from me, even in mundane settings just because she thinks it's funny—it kind of reminds me what my bullies in school used to do). i do want to be open with my mom, but sometimes she dismisses me, because she thinks i talk too much like a therapist and it makes her uncomfortable. i guess i will give her that one because i don't think she's wrong. i suspect she also thinks it is disingenuous on my part, because she has called me a disingenuous person before.
i tried to be vulnerable with her a week or so ago. looking back, i think i know better now. i had just come out of watching "everything everywhere all at once", and i had tears streaming down my face because i found the movie very impactful (it is actually where the quote in my signature is from). i had begged my mom to see the movie because it said everything i wanted to say to my mother in ways i apparently couldn't communicate effectively to her.
(EEAAO is a film that centers on the relationship between a mother, evelyn, and her daughter, joy, in a chinese-american immigrant family. i identified very deeply with joy and i saw my mother in evelyn, especially being from a latin american immigrant family myself.)
she seemed to be very shocked to see me in that state and agreed to watch it, but later told me it was unavailable on streaming services. i know for a fact it's on netflix, but maybe it's region locked. i don't think she'd lie about that, but she seemed disinterested in the premise of the film anyway.
a few days later on the way to the grocery store, it was the first day of my period and i took midol (which i had kept in my bag for the past few days, because i can tell when my period is coming) in the car because i had forgotten to before we left and i didn't want to keep my mom waiting. my mother asked why i didn't just take them at home and i explained. she suggested i liked it when people could see me taking pills, and that keeping them in my bag was evidence of that. i found this very shocking, especially given my medical history, and the fact she knew i felt shame around taking medication. i added that i felt comfortable taking pills around her because she was my mother, and that i thought it was a cruel thing for her to say. i also added that taking painkillers in front of other people is very different from taking prescription meds. after a long pause she said that she just assumed because it aligned with my personality, that i was an attention seeker and histrionic. she had never called me those things before, and i never thought she perceived me in that way. i remember getting emotional and lashing out at her, but she ignored me—i think i seemed to end up proving her point to her, and that just frustrated me even more.
we arrived and i got out of the car to find a cart while she parked; in that time i was stewing in my anger, and realized i hadn't been that mad at her for a long time. i felt like our relationship had been very good up to that point and i didn't want to ruin it. so i told her that i didn't want to be angry at her. she told me i didn't have to be angry at her. i tried to stay calm and asked if she was mad at me. she shrugged and said no completely indifferently. i brought up the movie again to change the subject and talked a little more about what it was about, and urged her again to see it. she said she wanted to watch it even less. (i think her behavior here is an extension of the "tough love" approach she has—she stonewalls me when i'm reaching out for free acceptance or validation, and i confess this was one of those times).
while we were shopping i was thinking very hard. i thought about grey rocking, which is what my brother started doing with my mom several years ago. his relationship with mom is so small because of it, but when i look at him and what he's doing, he seems so free. i had avoided that strategy for a really long time because 1. fighting with mom was like a bad habit i couldn't give up, and was another way of expressing myself to her in a messed up way? and 2. i didn't want to sacrifice my relationship with mom. but spite was what made me eventually take the plunge. i've started employing it ever since that last conversation and... i feel like i have a newfound confidence when talking to mom. i know spite is not a sustainable motivator, though, and so i tried to search my feelings. for the first day it really felt like i was sticking it to mom, but now (day 3) it's different. i just feel at ease. like if i answer the bare minimum of her questions, and keep everything else to myself, i can just breathe. i don't even feel scared that she'd feel like i'm disrespecting or ignoring her in any way, which is one of the things that kept me from trying out grey rocking. she hasn't pointed out my change in behavior to me yet, but again it's only the third day.
i'm a little worried and scared of how peaceful grey rocking has made me feel at last, because i really do want a close relationship with my mom. i would love to talk openly with her about my hobbies and passions, but it feels like we will never understand each other at this rate. i have a video she made me of when i was a baby. she took care of me in it and i could feel the love in everything she was doing and it makes me cry every time i watch it. overall she makes me happy and i love her and the situation makes me a little sad, but it's hard to ignore how excited i am to be by myself again. i still can't shake the guilt that i'm doing something unfair to her though, and that i'm sacrificing my most important relationship and that i will regret this somehow. is a middle ground achievable here? i've thought of therapy together, but my mom doesn't like therapists and doesn't think it's necessary for us—and i think if i bring her up, she'll take it as me trying to say there's something wrong with her. is there something else i'm missing that can help our relationship?
thank you all very much for reading