I think I might have vaginismus

[gingersn4p]

For some background, I'm an 18y/o afab nonbinary person who has been on testosterone for over 2 years and birth control for about 5 years.

Basically, I've always had issues with penetration and stuff when masturbating but back then I just figured it was because I'm a virgin. What brought this more to my attention was that I had been on birth control to stop my period since I started it due to extreme cramps and I more recently stopped taking it since I'm now on a high enough dose of T that it reduces my pain and bleeding, but when I first stopped taking it, I was experiencing extremely heavy bleeding and attempted to use a tampon for the first time when I realized that I was basically incapable of inserting it, it just wouldn't go in and it was extremely painful. This made me start looking into why I can't fit anything larger than a finger inside without pain and it seems like vaginismus is probably the answer. I'm not exactly sure on a cause, but it probably has something to do with a traumatic medical experience when I was really young which has influenced me subconsciously in a lot of ways my whole life. The fact that I'm on T probably also doesn't help since it stops me from producing much lubrication and stuff.

I don't really know what to do and I'm at a place in my life where it's really hard for me to see a doctor since I just moved out for a job where I literally live in the woods 30+ miles away from the nearest town and I can't drive, don't have a lot of money, and I don't even know what my insurance from my job will cover. What should I do? Obviously vaginismus isn't going to kill me or anything, but I'm concerned about how it will effect things like my sex life in the future. Any advice is appreciated

[HannahP]

Hi there gingersn4p! Welcome to our boards.

We can't confirm a diagnosis of vaginismus here, but I will say that what you're describing (pain and difficulty with insertion) makes a lot of sense given your traumatic past experience and the way that testosterone is likely affecting your body. We get a lot of people here who are experiencing similar things — you're definitely not alone!

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I do think that seeing a gynecologist is an important next step. Not only can a gynecologist confirm whether what you're experiencing is vaginismus (as there can be other causes for painful/difficult insertion), but also the typical treatments for vaginismus, like pelvic floor therapy and counseling, are best done with the supervision of a professional.

That being said, it's completely okay to wait until you have the ability to see a doctor. The important thing is that you stop doing anything that causes you pain (so take a break from trying to insert anything) until you can be seen by a professional. I totally get that it's unsatisfying to wait now that you have a good idea of what the problem is, and that you have some worries about how this might affect you in the future. But I do also want to say that you can have a rich and pleasurable sex life (either solo or with a partner) that doesn't involve any insertion, and that in the majority of cases, just a few months of treatment can cure vaginismus. So if your life circumstances mean that you need to wait to be treated, I don't think that means that your future sex life will be significantly impeded.

If we focus on what you're experiencing now, does taking a break from insertion or anything else that triggers this pain seem like a good temporary solution? How does that idea sound to you?