Won't go in

[Wisteria]

Sorry for making so many posts in a short amount of time, I have a lot of questions.

Recently, I tried putting a vibrator in my genitalia and it didn't work. I tried using lots of lube and forcing it in for a while before giving up because it seemed impossible. I had a similar issue with a dildo, I tried forcing it in for a long time and it seemed impossible until I got it in. It was small so I guess that's why it got in but it hurt really, REALLY badly to the point I couldn't feel any pleasure and needed it out immediately. I don't know if this is normal? I've been fingering myself since I was a very young child so I don't understand. I tried using a tampon once and ran into the same issue, it refused to go in so I had to give up. I'm very confused, I'd like to try using the vibrator seeing as I went out of my way to get it but nothing seems to work.

Any advice appreciated.

[amber]

Hi Wisteria, glad to see you back!

No need to apologize here - that is what the boards are for!

As for your question, I want to start by saying that the pain you described is not normal (especially with you taking steps to allow your body to adjust such as lube!). We actually have an article here all on pain with vaginal entry From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse ! If you're willing to give it a read I think the first half specifically could be super helpful.

If I understand accurately you also mentioned not wanting to potentially 'waste' a new vibrator because vaginal entry is not working. If so, lots of folks use vibrators exclusively for external stimulation! This could be something to think about to shift the narrative on 'wasting' the vibrator but also to put less pressure on internal stimulation. Is there a specific motivation behind continuing to 'force' vaginal entry?

[Wisteria]

Yes I just want to experience pleasure from there since fingering doesn't do anything. I'm very confused as to why it's impossible to get in because it's just a normal vibrator. Maybe it's my nerves though I'm not sure how that'd work? I used to finger myself but then I started being too scared to go inside, but I haven't been breaking down or anything while I tried to fit the dildo and vibrator in. Very confusing.

[Heather]

Hi there, Wisteria.

There are so many kinds of vibrators, including the kind designed for vaginal insertion, that I can't know what you mean when you describe yours as a "normal" vibrator. That said, inserting any given thing into the vagina can always not work for a person, for a handful of different reasons. I'd say the most common are:
• being not aroused or relaxed enough, including because of fear or anxiety -- those can also result in the muscles of the vagina effectively clamping down and just not letting anything inside
• not using lubrication
• pressing against the posterior (back) walls of the vagina with whatever it is someone is trying to let inside, rather than going with the upward angle of the vaginal canal

As I was also telling someone here the other day, trying to lead with doing something sexual because we think we should be able to is often a recipe for nothing good. When it comes to sex -- be it masturbation or with a partner -- we really want to lead with pleasure, with what feels good. I hear you saying you want to feel pleasure from this part of your anatomy. It might help to know that the vaginal canal, all by itself, actually doesn't have that many sensory nerve endings to even experience a lot of pleasure by itself: much of what people feel from activity with the vagina actually comes from the internal and external portions of the clitoris. The vagina itself mostly only has a lot of sensory nerve endings -- which is how we feel sensations in our bodies -- in the first inch or so around and just past the opening. The rest of sensation we can feel there comes from pressure to the internal portions of the clitoris.

So! How do things feel when instead of focusing on your vagina, you focus on your clitoris? And, does anything in that list I put above sound like things that could be issues for you?

[Wisteria]

It's probably due to lack of arousal/fear then, it's just that clitoral stimulation does nothing for be either as it feels almost numb so I was hoping this would save me, haha. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to have sex or masturbate when nothing works for me and I end up bored almost immediately. I like using a dildo in my anus however it's not enough for me and I'm bored after only a minute or two. I was hoping to have sex with my friend soon but I might have to call it off since I think it'd just turn into me giving them pleasure instead like usual.

[mikky]

Hey Wisteria,
You've shared some things with us before about feeling pretty stuck on different ideas and feeling shame around fantasies. I'm reading through and notice you've mentioned feeling bored, numb, like different things aren't enough, quite a bit. In other areas of your life, are you feeling fulfilled and finding pleasure? For example, socially, hobbies, creative outlets, interests, etc? When you approach masturbation, are you feeling relaxed and aroused?

RE: having sex with your friend, are you unhappy with the balance in that dynamic?

[Heather]

Can I also ask if you are starting any of these things when you are very turned on? What we do is often less impactful by how excited we are when we’re doing it.

[Wisteria]

Hi, I wanted to try again before I responded.

I tried putting it in after clitoral stimulation (I figured out how to make it feel better) and while I was turned on but there was no way to put it in. It wouldn't even open up in the slightest and it felt like there was no entrance there at all. For reference I can't stick 2 fingers in there without being in pain.

About the first message, I'm pretty depressed but I do find pleasure in things and have nice moments, and when I try masturbating I'm usually doing okay. I've experienced chronic stress my entire life but even that I don't think explains why I've always been so numb and have never climaxed. I have friends who are similar and they don't seem to have issues masturbating at all so I'm really confused.

Also, it's not a problem with my friend at all (we haven't had sex yet) it's just a pattern in my relationships where I always feel left out because people try doing things to me and I'm just not responsive.

Thank you for your responses

[Latha]

Hi Wisteria,

I’m responding to this conversation because I’m on shift — I hope that is alright. To address your last point first: If you know that having sex with your friend won’t leave you feeling good, I think it holding off on it is a good call. You could return to partnered sex another time.

I'm pretty depressed but I do find pleasure in things and have nice moments...

I’m glad you’re able to find pleasure in things despite having to deal with depression and the effects of chronic stress. It goes without saying that feeling less depressed can sometimes make it easier to feel pleasure and fulfilment in life, but that is a long term project — since you’re usually doing okay when you masturbate, we can focus on other things. Just to check: do you feel good about the mental health support you have right now?

they don't seem to have issues masturbating at all so I'm really confused

In addition to confusion, I wonder if it feels a bit demoralising to see friends with similar experiences do things that you wish you could do. You probably know this, but it bears saying: your friends may be similar, but they are not the same. Everyone’s path is different, so try not to compare yourself to them.

It’s great that you figured out how you could make clitoral stimulation feel better. Between the fact that it can feel like you have no entrance and the fact that it hurts when you do insert something, it sounds like you’ve been having a good deal of trouble with vaginal stimulation. What would you think of taking a break from that activity and focusing on stimulation that does feel pleasurable? Giving yourself time to focus on other things may take the pressure off and make this easier later on. (Too, you don’t have to try vaginal sex at all if it doesn’t feel good to you.)

[Wisteria]

Sorry for the late reply,

I'm just kind of sad I'm missing out on something others seem to enjoy so much. I don't know why I can't fit anything in there, maybe I'll ask a doctor about it. I think you're right and I shouldn't have sex with somebody unless I know it'll be fun. Thank you for all your responses

[Latha]

Hi Wisteria,

Just as some people enjoy vaginal sex, others have pleasurable and complete sexual lives without it. It’s perfectly understandable that you would want to have vaginal sex, and it’s okay to take steps to try to make that easier. I just hope that this won’t become a source of pressure, since that is something that might make it harder to feel good. All that said, it isn’t a bad idea to consult a doctor, since they’ll be able to see you in person and potentially diagnose the pain you’ve noticed.

We’re glad to help, so feel free to ask if you would like to discuss this more.

I want to leave you with two articles: The first is a guide to exploring sexual desire through fantasy (As Heather suggested, sex is generally much more interesting when we are already in the mood). The second is about what you can do if you struggle to feel pleasure.

• How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

• ‪I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment‬ (It looks like there is a technical error on the title of this one for me. We’ll try to fix that soon, but if it starts like ‘Pleasure is a central topic…’ it is the correct article.)

[Wisteria]

Thank you!

[HannahP]

I'm glad that was helpful, Wisteria! We're always here if you want to talk more.