Dating with a Service Animal

[maille]

Hello, Scarleteen Boards!

At the beginning of this year, I made a huge alteration to my life. I began working with my first medical alert dog. She has changed my life for the better.

Like many people who have mobility aids, medical devices or service dogs, I have a complex relationship with seeing myself as someone who needs that kind of very public extra support. Even just typing this out, I can feel some difficult feelings creeping in. I balance a sort of complex shame with the comfort and empowerment of having a devoted medical aid by my side. (Her scruffy face and big brown eyes add to the comfort too.) I have scoured the web for advice on dating with a service animal and have been left with lots to desire.

Some new unanticipated aspects of having a service dog have come into my sex and dating life. A lot of things experienced during sex, changes in hormones, breathing and heart rate, are both things my service dog is trained to alert to and things that can trick my body into a PTSD activation episode.

I am currently taking a break from the apps (what a hellscape they can be at times). That being said, when I was on them and asked on dates, I was faced with the question of 'Do I disclose that I am showing up with a service dog?'. I did not want to lead with the fact that I have a medical condition, nor did I want anyone to rescind their date offer.

If I could start over, I would have disclosed every time. While it is a very intimate part of my story, it is an unavoidable front-facing one. Despite how publicly visible it is that I require extra support, I'd remind myself that no date is entitled to know my pup's tasks, alerts or my condition. Plus, she is kind of the ultimate litmus test. People's reactions were very telling if they were worth my time or not. It showed whether people were willing to respect us and our teamwork by ignoring her and letting her do her job as needed.

I am still learning to navigate this niche space of dating with a service dog. But these are my feelings and what I have found is true for me so far. Hopefully this helps someone feel less alone in their intersections of medical equipment and relationships. I am happy to contribute to this corner of internet that I have found to be fairly unaddressed.

Any kind thoughts, words of encouragement or shared experiences are appreciated!

[Heather]

Maille,

I'm so glad you shared this here, it's really important, and really important to you! Thanks for being so open about it and your feelings and questions for everyone's benefit. <3 I'm also so glad your service dog has improved your quality of life so much!

I agree with you that the way to go is to disclose from the front, for that litmus test most of all. It actually seems pretty handy to be able to spare yourself any wasted time when it comes to people who are ableist or just otherwise closed to being with you as a person with a service animal. I agree with you that this is an awful lot like what we learn when it comes to how people manage mobility aids.

By the way, even though there was only a couple brief mentions of service animals, I did a sensitivity read of an early version of the manuscript for the book Dateable, by Jessica Slice and Caroline Cupp, and I highly recommend it as a great general resource for dating as someone with a disability and/or chronic illness. I think it might come in handy for you. <3