Consuming Triggering Media after Assault

[maille]

Hi, everyone.

After being assaulted, I sought out media that contained sexual assault. I had so much confusion and even shame about why. There was even one point where I had intrusive thoughts about what it could mean about my sexual preferences that I was so heavily interested in assault. I thought this could not have been a normal response.

Knowing what I know now, I do not really consider any response to sexual assault as normal, as there is simultaneously so much variety in how we respond and so many common tendencies. In my opinion, there is not a normal response to an event that should be considered so far from normal. I haven't found my footing quite on how to word that, but hopefully it makes sense to some.

I think in seeking out media that I knew would be triggering, (I have disdain for that word by the way) I was trying to close a loop. Movies had a plot. They had a beggining, middle and end. By the end of the hour and a half or so, the victim had healed and returned to normal life. I do not think this was healthy for me. It set very unrealistic timelines on healing, and even set up the unrealistic thought that there would be a time when I had 'completed' healing as if it were on my to do list.

I now realize there will never be a close to this loop. It is more of an undulating wave. I have, however, found other ways to make the wave calmer.

All this to say, any response to assault is 'normal', but not all are healthy. And it may take a while to realize what makes your undulating wave less pronounced. I hope someone finds some solace in this post. I did in writing it.

[char]

Hi Maille. I'm so grateful to be able to read your post and trusted with a glimpse of your experiences. I think a lot of people would find solace in this post, just as much as I did as an abuse victim/survivor myself.

It's definitely frustrating how myopic portrayals of assault in the media can be. Those who are victims/survivors of assault tend to feel and behave in certain ways that don't always ring true to real-life experiences, as diverse as real-life can be. As you've shared, for a lot of people the pain, grief, anger, confusion, anxiety, and many other emotions one experiences after an assault do not just disappear in the blink of an eye.

I think recognizing that healing and recovery is far from linear is already a great way of coming to terms with assault. It's not easy, but I think we all have the capability to rise, no matter how "fast" or "slow". I wish you, and everyone reading this post, lots of love, support, and warmth all throughout your life <3