Hi, from being born to being 7 years old, I don't remember anything? There is some stuff, all bad, of course, because it was bad times. I don't exactly remember being assaulted, but I have clues my body gives me. I like physical touch, like hugs and sometimes handholding, it's my love language, but sometimes I hate it, when people are near, it makes me feel so claustrophobic, and I just wanna die. I shake all the time, and I have anxiety so bad that I sometimes can't go outside. There is this pit of dread inside me. My dad abused me when I was younger, my sister doesn't remember, and even tho I was younger, I took it all for her(I don't regret it even tho she treats me like crap.) My dad would have friends over who smelled like drugs and alcohol. And I never tell anyone that something happened to me, I know it even if I can't fully remember, because they will all think I'm crazy and just a needy person looking for attention, like my mother said. The thing is, I crave touch, I want it so badly it hurts, and I'm young, but I know I want to have a sexual relationship once I'm older, but I'm so scared. I like the idea, but then I actually think about it, and I want to throw up. I want someone to love me, but I can't let them.
Don't worry, I was taken and adopted, even tho my family isn't the best, it was better than before. I don't know why I wrote this; that's not entirely true. I just want someone to hear me.
I'm new and I don't know what to write but here is my best shot at trying to explain.
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Latha
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Re: I'm new and I don't know what to write but here is my best shot at trying to explain.
Hello and welcome to the boards, MadZC73!
Though I am sorry to hear that you experienced such poor treatment when you were younger, I am glad you reached out to us. It may not help practically, but I want to assure you that none of it could have possibly been justified in any way. I can guarantee that we don’t share your mother’s opinions here. It’s okay to want attention — we all need it from people who care for us. That doesn’t mean you need too much, it only makes you human.
It sounds like you have a sense that something happened to you, but you’re afraid to talk about it because you don’t know how reliable your memory is and you don’t know whether you will be believed We don’t need you to have a perfect memory to believe you and support you. Whenever you feel comfortable and ready, we will listen. Would you like to talk about it?
I’m also hearing that you’re having a lot of conflicted and strong feelings around intimacy and love — you have a need to care and be cared for by other people, and you want to be close to them, but this same thing feels deeply threatening at times. Is that right?
I’m glad your current family is better than before, though it sounds like it isn’t everything you need. If you want, you can also talk about them and your relationship with your sister.
Though I am sorry to hear that you experienced such poor treatment when you were younger, I am glad you reached out to us. It may not help practically, but I want to assure you that none of it could have possibly been justified in any way. I can guarantee that we don’t share your mother’s opinions here. It’s okay to want attention — we all need it from people who care for us. That doesn’t mean you need too much, it only makes you human.
It sounds like you have a sense that something happened to you, but you’re afraid to talk about it because you don’t know how reliable your memory is and you don’t know whether you will be believed We don’t need you to have a perfect memory to believe you and support you. Whenever you feel comfortable and ready, we will listen. Would you like to talk about it?
I’m also hearing that you’re having a lot of conflicted and strong feelings around intimacy and love — you have a need to care and be cared for by other people, and you want to be close to them, but this same thing feels deeply threatening at times. Is that right?
and it seems like it makes you feel unbearably awful, to the point that death seems like a preferable option on some level. I understand the process of thought that would lead to this place, and I don’t judge you for it at all. Still, I want to make sure you have the support you need to feel okay. Do you have anyone you can reach out to when it gets like this? We can’t usually respond immediately in this service, but there are crisis/emotional support lines that you can call or text in the moment. Would you like to have their contact information?it makes me feel so claustrophobic, and I just wanna die
I’m glad your current family is better than before, though it sounds like it isn’t everything you need. If you want, you can also talk about them and your relationship with your sister.