fingering

[niki]

Hello. I have a doubt. I met my boyfriend on feb 5th and we indulged in manual sex. He was fully clothed. He then pulled my jeans down and started fingering me ... he fingered me twice. But throughout he did not touch his bare penis with is hands as he was fully clothed. I know that pregnancy can never happen in the above described manner but my doubt is could there be traces of precum or semen on his hands if he had touched his penis or masturbated before he came to meet me? That very thought is driving me nuts.I would also like to add that it takes around 1 hour for him.to commute and reach my house... and he has to board two trains in the process. So it's impossible right for the sperm cells to be alive on his hands even if he had masturbated or touched his penis before he came to meet me because sperm cells are very delicate and fragile and they cannot survive in an environment outside the vagina for more than 20 mins as the environment is not conducive for them to live. And through out the act he was fully clothed. I asked him today if he had washed his hands or touched his penis but he said doesn't remember such minute details of what he did that day before coming to meet me. But I do remember that when we met up that day, he had not washed his hands before he proceeded to finger me. Hence I am getting worried.My periods last came on jan 12th and its generally a 28 day cycle and it is always on time... do I need to worry or just wait patiently for my periods to come? I am extremely sorry fr my long write up and thank you so much for taking out your precious time and reading my post. Kindly awaiting your response.

[Sam W]

Hi Niki,

You are correct that what you two engaged in posed no risk of pregnancy. I will say that we advise users to wash their hands prior to sex, but that's mainly for more basic hygiene reasons. And, even for people with fairly regular cycles, it's not unusual to have a period that comes a little later or earlier than expected.

It sounds like this level of sex may be causing you some stress. If that's the case, it's sound to think about scaling it back to a level where you feel more comfortable with and less anxious about what's happening. We have some pieces on that, would you like to read them?

[niki]

Hello Sam W
Than you so much for your prompt reply. My boyfriend and I are in 5 year long relationship. I am 21 year old. My first sexual experience was when I was 18 years. I had indulged in fingering with my boyfriend and I remember that I had panicked a lot. Since then my boyfriend and myself came to a mutual decision that we will only indulge in dry humping with clothes on, fondling etc. And we both stuck our that decision until this month.This month we happen to indulge in fingering again and I again got stressed out despite knowing the fact what we indulged in posed no risk. I am not uncomfortable with my boyfriend tpuching me but the problem I am facing is more of a self issue with myself. I get really panicky and uncomfortable when my boyfriend touches my vagina directly I.e bare vagina. I really want to be able to have sexual intercourse someday.And with me getting anxious over such small acts where risk is not involved , I highly doubt if I could ever go all the way. Am I abnormal that I get anxious over such acts? I completely agree with you that I need to scale down because I am not yet ready.
I would also like to read the articles as I would like to understand and educate myself regarding these for my future. Thank you so much. This site has been a blessing that I accidentally stumbled upon

[niki]

Hello Sam W
Than you so much for your prompt reply. My boyfriend and I are in 5 year long relationship. I am 21 year old. My first sexual experience was when I was 18 years. I had indulged in fingering with my boyfriend and I remember that I had panicked a lot. Since then my boyfriend and myself came to a mutual decision that we will only indulge in dry humping with clothes on, fondling etc. And we both stuck our that decision until this month.This month we happen to indulge in fingering again and I again got stressed out despite knowing the fact what we indulged in posed no risk. I am not uncomfortable with my boyfriend tpuching me but the problem I am facing is more of a self issue with myself. I get really panicky and uncomfortable when my boyfriend touches my vagina directly I.e bare vagina. I really want to be able to have sexual intercourse someday.And with me getting anxious over such small acts where risk is not involved , I highly doubt if I could ever go all the way. Am I abnormal that I get anxious over such acts? I completely agree with you that I need to scale down because I am not yet ready.
I would also like to read the articles as I would like to understand and educate myself regarding these for my future. Thank you so much. This site has been a blessing that I accidentally stumbled upon

[Heather]

Do you feel like you would feel this way with any partner, or like this is about this particular relationship? I know that involves some guessing, but going with your gut on that, what do you think?

Too, do you feel that way about touching yourself, or just about a partner touching you?

[niki]

Hello Ma'am.
I have never been in a relationship before my current relationship. Its been 5 years now I am in this relationship. Now that I think of it, I am perfectly fine when I am touching myself down there. But I get really uncomfortable if my boyfriend touches my vagina and this is mainly because I fear that if all he may have precum or ejaculate on his hands it may lead to unwanted pregnancy.

[niki]

Okay, I think I should tell you this information... when I was around 12 years I was sexually molested by thisperson repeatedly and I never had the guts to raise my voice against that offender and I could only gather up my courage and speak up for my self after 2 months. My parents did help me a great deal to come out of that trauma. But still now deep down I get this jittery feeling whenever I think about it. I have not talked to my boyfriend abput this even once. He's totally unaware of this. It's not like I don't want to tell him this but I am very very uncomfortable talking about that whole thing. I just want to forget about it but sometimes it keeps popping in my head making me uncomfortable. I also feel really ashamed of what happen back then as I let something like that happen to me.

[Heather]

I appreciate you putting trust in us to disclose that, and I am glad you feel able to talk about it here. Abuse and assault are things people do to others, not things victims do to themselves. What happened to you was not your fault or your doing, and it is common, especially for very young victims, to feel helpless and to have a hard time speaking out.

You did not let abuse happen. Someone chose to exploit and abuse you against your will. The person responsible for your sexual abuse is not you, it is the person who abused you.

Being with someone so intimately and for so long without telling them, though, is probably a part of all this. Any idea why you feel like you cannot trust your boyfriend enough to talk to him about this? My sense would be that if in that many years, you did not feel able to have that trust with someone, some of your other fears with him may also be about a lack of trust.

[niki]

It's not that I don't trust him. I just feel very uncomfortable discussing about that with him or anyone else. The only person I am comfortable to talk about this is with my mother. Also I feel scared that I will be judged and things like that. The country I come from is not very open about sex and abuse and things like that
But you are right ma'am, I think I should talk to him about this.

[niki]

Would you please guide as in how I can reduce my anxiety and not worry over sexual acts that do not pose any risk? How can I prepare myself mentally for a sexual act without getting paranoid after having done that act?
I apologise if my questions are very silly. I just want to understand and overcome my anxiety.

[Heather]

I understand. My point is that if and when we are not comfortable being intimate with someone...well, we are not going to feel comfortable. So it may be that until you get to a point with this parner or any other where you do feel able to be more open, it just is not right for you yet to be physically intimate. Get what I am after here?

So, one big thing that may help reduce these fears is not putting yourself in a sexual relationship just yet, or not trying to be physically intimate with someone when you feel like you have to hide something so big that is probably a big source of these fears.

So, how about the idea of taking these kinds of sex off the table for now while you do more healing and develop the kind of trust - and really, it is about trust, like trusting a partner NOT to judge or blame you for being abused - you need with someone to be able to at least tell them that you have survived sexual assault, and that often means needing the pace to be slower, and partners to take your triggers into account?

If not, can you perhaps fill me in on if any of this has felt good for you physically and emotionally, rather than instead just being, or mostly being, a source of fear and anxiety? What would you - not your boyfriend, you - miss out on if you only did things you feel totally comfortable with right now, and did not do anything that leaves you feeling like this?

[niki]

Thank you so much for taking out your time and reading my post and understanding my fears so well. completely agree with you ma'am. I think I should scale down my sexual activity with my partner until I feel more comfortable about performing these sexual acts. I need more time for myself before I even plan on engaging in tos acts where my partner comes in direct contact woth my vagina. That is the only type o sex when I get extremely uncomfortable with. I have never had penetrative sex yet and I am np
Ot going to have it very soon as I am not ready for it. I think think apart from my abuse, my other fear that triggers my anxiety and stress is the fear o getting pregnant despite knowing the fact that an act like fingering (what my partner and I indulged in above feb 5th) cannot get me anywhere near to getting pregnant. Still I get nervous over unwanted pregnancy. So I understand its in my best interests that I put these kinda sexual activity on hold.
The acts which I am comfortable is kissing, fondling, dry humping over clothes. I think I just am not ready yet for any kind of sex that involves my vagina.

[niki]

I have one more doubt. Suppose if a couple is engaging in dry humping that only involves the female wearing a cotton panty and sanitary pad and the male is fully unclothed and he happens to dry hump over the inderwear and pad.After this act if the female gets her period on her regular date. So my doubt is after such manual sex if you get your period means there was no pregnancy right? I mean after any sexual act if the female gets her monthly period that means she's has not got pregnant from the above act? Am I correct ma'am?

[Heather]

It's important for any sex we participate in to be something we want just as much for ourselves as a partner does, and feel just as comfortable with as they do. But I'd say that is even more important when we have any sexual abuse or assault history, because it's awfully hard to heal and build a healthy sex life if it, too, feels like something that is more -- or all -- about what someone else wants and feels good about than we do, you know?

The things you have been asking about do not pose pregnancy risks. But I'm willing to bet this is more about you just not feeling truly comfortable doing those things, and really wanting to, for yourself, than anything else. Often, people who have irrational fears about pregnancy are actually really even more scared of something else deep down, something they want to deal with even less (like a partner of many years who you still don't trust enough yet to share your sexual abuse history with, or perhaps other hard things about yourself).

My best advice would be to ONLY do things that 1) YOU really want, for yourself, not just that someone else does, and b) you absolutely feel totally comfortable with and enjoy during AND feel good about after. Maybe think about what those things are, then talk to your partner to let him know you need to set these limits. If you don't feel ready to tell him all of why yet, then that's a talk for another time.

But in case you want a good walkthrough on all of this anyway, we do have an excellent, thorough pieces that explains human reproduction, and all it requires, here: http://www.avert.org/hiv-aids-fear-and-anxiety.htm.

[niki]

Thank you so much ma'am for giving me your time and helping me out. I will go through the link you provided me with.

[niki]

I also plan to have a serious discussion with my boyfriend about the abuse and also about setting limits for the time being.