Scarleteen

This has a couple of different issues in it. Just looking for advice on some sort of connected things.

I find the fact that I had my first crush two years ago, and I still haven't had a crush on someone who's openly sapphic, sad. It's really hard to find a girl I'm attracted to, who even has the chance of being attracted to me, and who is attracted to me. My best friend somehow did it, and I'm quite jealous. Like, how?? I look pretty gay when I'm wearing my usual clothing, so I don't have the problem of people not knowing I'm gay. For the most part, at least. My celebrity crushes are pretty mixed in terms of presentation and sexuality, but in real life, the majority of girls are very feminine and straight, so I get crushes on those girls, just by chance. My last crush talked to me about her ex-boyfriend, and still, a part of me thought she could like me. While technically she could be bi or something, the chances of that are so slim. Even if they don't like me back, I want to have one crush that's not a straight girl crush. I mean, sure, it'd be nice if they did like me back, but I just can't seem to find any sapphic girls anyway. Or non-binary people who like girls. While I'm not always the best at conceptualizing non-binary identities, I'm generally good with it. I just want a chance like all the straight people have. If there are any pieces of advice to alleviate this feeling, I am very open to suggestions.

My next thing is less of a rant than the last one. School is starting back up again, which means sports are, too. I play volleyball, basketball, and I'm a thrower in track and field. Somehow, I managed to have at least one crush related to my sport last year. Currently, my biggest problem is a high school volleyball player at our summer volleyball open gym. She's going into 11th grade, and I'm going into 8th, meaning I have no shot. She's very attractive, and I have a couple of concerns about her being there. First, what if she's demonstrating something to me, and touches me to show me how to do it? I'll probably be able to handle it, but it could be very uncomfortable, and I could accidentally do something weird. My second thing is, if I get onto varsity next year, I would be on the team with her and my first-ever crush. We'd obviously spend some amount of time together, at least at practices and games. I've been on a team where I've had a crush on more than one of the girls, but I worry that I'll either stray too far away from the group and it'll be weird, or we'll get close and it'll feel weird. I don't like either of those options.

Any advice, comments, or questions are welcome. I'm really just looking for anything.

Hi KaCy,

Ah, the unrequited crush. A frustrating, and yet quintessential part of being a teenager!
It just plain sucks to get crushes on people who don’t feel the same way, and when you are young and queer, it can feel especially tough and isolating. I want to lightly challenge something here- gay people dress in all kinds of ways, act in all kinds of ways, and are in all kinds of stages of awareness about sexuality. Feminine girls can like girls! While there isn’t really a way to change who you have crushes on or feelings for, how are you going about connecting with other young gay people? What do you hope to get from having a crush?

As for playing Volleyball with the girl you find attractive and a former crush:
It’s true that there could potentially be uncomfortable or embarrassing moments. I’m hearing a lot of fear about things being “weird,” or what might happen. Preparing for these potential situations probably won’t be very helpful. What might be a little more helpful is some general crush guidance: Puppy Love: The Do's & Don'ts of Crushes (With Help from a Very Small Dog)

First off, I know gay people can dress however they want, I was just saying that I get clocked pretty quickly—lots of rumors. Also, the feminine gays tend to blend in with the straight girls, which I was realizing can be a difficulty for those feminine gays. I tried to say it like that, but I didn't really go over the post.

As for your questions, there aren't many specifically queer spaces in my town, so you kind of have to find the gays as you go along. If I come into contact with someone I form a crush on, I try to say something about my sexuality when the right time comes, but there isn't always a good opportunity. After that, I look at their reaction, and if they're straight, they either get a little uncomfortable, or just say something along the lines of, "Oh. Nice. I'm not, but I support you." If they're also queer, whether they like me or not, they will take the opportunity to talk with another queer person. I mostly know that from what my friends say. I have a friend who goes to a school that has a majority of queer people, but it doesn't have a band program, which is a deal breaker. Otherwise, I'd be there so quick.

As for what I hope to get from having a crush, it's kinda just hope. If the feelings were mutual, I'd want to date them, but having a crush on a fellow queer would give me hope that it could match up eventually. Plus, as unbearable as crushes are, they can be nice. The good and the bad are sort of equal, whether or not I have a crush, so why not? Makes life more interesting. Thanks for the questions and advice!

Hi KaCy! Thanks for sharing your story here. As someone who used to form crushes on people, I (a nonbinary person who is typically perceived as a woman) definitely understand your concern/frustration of them not being returned. I had come to terms to have my feelings be unrequited when it comes to femme-presenting people way earlier than those from masculine-presenting people since I live in a country where queer love is generally deemed sinful. Regardless, I also felt that having crushes meant having things to look forward to when going to school/university, which includes seeing them in person I'm in my mid-20s by now, but rest assured that these experiences are definitely universal and cross-generational.

Speaking of the 11th grader in your volleyball club, this may sound very therapyspeak, but a lot of one's worries of having awkward interactions with their crushes are unlikely to happen and very much influenced by the media (think accidentally bumping into them and tripping, your belongings flying in the air in slo-mo). That said, it's completely understandable that you're worried, especially since it sounds like you're unsure how the 11th grader would react. But as long as you know that you need to be respectful, and are indeed respectful of their boundaries, I doubt she'd feel uncomfortable.

Hope this is helpful! ^^