Scarleteen

I have a question about gender identity and dissociating. Since I was as young as 14 I have always questioned my gender and tried out different labels but I feel like nothing fits me. Even labels like genderqueer, though it is somewhat close to describing how I feel compared to others, still don't fit me. so I'm very confused. I feel like I am just trying to be not cis and I don't know what to do with that feeling.

I still identify as a woman which makes me think I'm just cis. non-binary does not fit me either for some reason. I don't really experience gender envy or euphoria, nor do I experience dysphoria. which also leads me to believe I am not trans. But I do not feel cis either. I have suspected that it might be because I have a problem with dissociating which has made any personal identity I have to be lost. It's because I daydream all the time and express myself through these characters in my head, it's just escapism (to an obsessive amount). so anything that I like personally is just applied to these characters, not myself. I don't have a sense of aesthetic and I don't know my personality. most of how I interact is immediately just put into daydreaming.

what are some tips and resources to deal with this? is it okay for me to dissociate from myself and just project everything onto characters in my head because I'm not really sure? I like the daydreams I have and I don't dislike dissociating but to be fair I didn't really give much thought as to why I don't have much of an identity outside of that. Is there a label out there that is similar to the gender I'm feeling?

Hi Ls2verice,

It makes sense to me that it would be easier to apply the things you like to characters in daydreams instead of yourself. It seems like you’ve been in a profoundly stressful environment for a long time, surrounded by people who don’t allow you the minimum space you would need to explore your interests (never mind supporting you, which is what they should do). Your mind is probably harder for them to reach, and more free than you are in person in certain ways.

What would you think of putting the question of your gender aside for now, and coming back to it later? You could consider it once you’ve had time to settle in at college. If you are still unsure then, take another break, and do so as many times as you need. Moving out will hopefully give you more freedom and safety than you have now, which can make it a lot easier to stay present with yourself and learn about what you want.

Is there a label out there that is similar to the gender I'm feeling?

I have definitely seen conversations where people discuss how their mental health has influenced their experience of their gender -- symptoms like dissociation included. Sometimes people will use general terms like ‘questioning’ to describe the fact that they are not sure, but people are developing other terminology. One example is the umbrella term ‘neurogender’. And if you are not quite cis but not nonbinary, you might be interested in terms like 'demigirl'.

I think I'll try taking breaks from figuring out my gender. I have actually identified with demigirl before but I stopped and looked for another label so I think I could revisit that later.

Sounds like a plan! Feel free to discuss your thoughts here when you are ready to revisit the question.

hello! it's been some months and I think I have found demigirl or non-binary woman is the most comfortable for me. I think I was overthinking things and now I'm looking for little ways to start transitioning without alarming my college. thank you for your help

Hi ls2verice! Welcome back!

We're so happy to hear this update! Also I love, love, love demigirl as a gender identity! I use it myself sometimes.

If you're comfortable sharing, what are the little ways you are starting to transition? Are there things that are feeling good and affirming for you right now?

I've been starting to use different pronouns in online communities, I am trying to wear things that hide my figure (and avoiding earrings), and I have been thinking about shaving my hair. ive been keeping a pinterest board for things that I want for myself which is nice because I cannot access those things right now!

Hello, Ls2verice!

Congratulations on finding an identity that makes you feel comfortable! These are such great ideas for exploring your transition!