Struggling to Reach Climax

[thelabrat90]

I started masturbating in earnest about nine months ago? Where I bought my first vibrator, a rose shaped one that my friend recommended me, because for the first time in my life, I was nineteen then, I was experiencing real flashes of pleasure with my fingers when I touched down there. And I'm so frustrated because I keep encountering a limit with my pleasure, and I dont ever feel satisfied or like I ever orgasmed. Basically, my masturbation sessions go with me using my rose vibrator, applying really firm pressure and slightly humping my groin and clit into it, until I feel flashes of pleasure against my g-spot and sensation building arohnd my clit and I have to really tense my muscles and release them to get the blood flowing (I learned this myself, but later I read that pelvic movement is what gets the arousal response going) and flashes of sharper pleasure start building up after a lot of work, and it feels good. And then it just reaches a certain stage where my whole body just..untenses and gives up. Like I just can't reach that next plateau and it feels like everything dies down. Ive tried, but I can't feel higher pleasure further after that, and its pretty disappointing.

So I quit. But about ten minutes or so later, I feel prickly arousal between my labia and in my entrance and it makes me so frustrated I want to cry. I know orgasm isnt a mind-blowing thing all the time, but shouldn't there be some satisfaction? Instead of me getting maybe a handful of waves of pleasure that I have to work so hard for? Maybe its because the vibrator is buzzy and fairly weaker I have to strain my whole body to get that build-up.

I bought a more rumbly vibrator, the Pillow Talk Sassy, but the head and shape is too flexible to be compatible with how I apply really firm pressure and typically masturbate. I'm thinking of the Jejou classic bullet next with a finger strap so I can use my typical style of masturbation with my firm pressure. But honestly, I am kind of worried that won't work too, and I'm just doomed to never experience the orgasms that shake people's bodies. I feel like I know half the formula--pelvic movements, paying attention to your body, not giving up, which I read in a forum about becoming orgasmic. And it does reliably get me pleasure. But I want something GOOD. I want my vagina to contract and for me to stop thinking for once.

Sorry about this. But my fingers just dont get me there, not without a lot of work I can't be bothered to do, like building up a fantasy so my hips involuntarily start grinding and doing the right movements. Otherwise its so boring, just rubbing. I just want some advice. I wish I had a penis, because orgasms seem so much simpler then. But I love my vagina and clit, I really do, and I want to experience the pleasure Ive read about, and that i sense I'm capable of, lurking in. I just need an outsiders opinion. Is my technique wrong? Why is this happening? Do I just need a better toy than my buzzy vibrator?

[Latha]

Hi there, thelabrat90! You don’t need to apologise, and we’d be happy to provide another perspective.

The first thing I want to do is assure you that you are not doomed. I don’t mean to dismiss your problem. You are not feeling satisfied, and that must be so, so frustrating. I understand what you just want to feel good, and I think it’s okay to pursue that. It is just that this is nine months out of a whole lifetime of sexual exploration. There will be ups and downs, but experience and time often make it easier to have pleasurable sex.

Second, I wouldn’t say your technique is wrong at all. You’ve found a process that is reliable and pleasurable, which can only be good. Since you are looking for more pleasure, one option might be to explore other erogenous zones more — if I’ve understood this right, it sounds like you are primarily focusing on your genitals.

But my fingers just dont get me there, not without a lot of work I can't be bothered to do

I’m curious, why does this work seem like a bother? Orgasms last only a few moments, no matter how satisfying they are. We often find that satisfaction during sex depends on the process as a whole. It seems like the most interesting part of sex would be the build up, and orgasms tend to feel better when the build up to them is better.

[thelabrat90]

Hey Latha, hopefully this notifies you. It's because using my fingers, the build up isnt fascinating. Instead it takes a long time, I struggle to stay focused, and even then, with my fingers, I get those flashes of intense pleasure which then disappear. Which I'm just not satisfied by? Maybe that counts as an orgasm, it is a build-up and release, but I don't feel satisfied. It feels more like an ending twinge of.pleasure that lasts a mere moment, and my body gives out because it's tired, not like an orgasm.

I am happy about the nine months of exploration. It taught me a lot about techniques and how to get there. But I'm tired of this pleasure I'm experiencing and I wonder if I'm getting numbed out because it's a buzzy vibrator and I'm applying so much pressure? So I can't go over the edge, so to speak?

[Sofi]

Hi thelabrat90, hope it's okay if I jump in.

I wanna address your concern about getting numb from using a vibrator - that's not really a thing. Whether you're applying pressure or using a vibrator at a high setting, your clit wouldn't just desensitize to pleasure or block an orgasm from happening. So no need to worry about that.

However, maybe it isn't the best way for you to masturbate, as Latha said you are focusing only on one area and many people need to spend more time in other erogenous zones before reaching orgasm. Some people need sexual media, whether that's visual or auditory. Everyone has different things that work best for them and experimenting to find "your thing" is a normal part of the process (and should be an enjoyable one, not a frustrating one!)

You also need to remember that our primary sex organ is our brain. No matter what we do physically, if we're super stressed or worried or panicked, orgasm will be harder to reach. Many folks put a lot of pressure on themselves during masturbation because they want to reach orgasm and feel the pleasure they read about, so they're unable to actually enjoy the experience and reach orgasm at all. Do you think you could try with masturbating in different ways, without any particular goal other than pleasure and self discovery? Take orgasms off the table and don't even think about them - often, that's the easiest way to reach that. Does that make sense?

[thelabrat90]

I want to be clear, I don't think using a vibrator can numb you out permanently. I'm mainly referring to the fact that during my actual session, I reach a point where I stop feeling the pleasure that's been building up, and I'm unsure if that counts as an orgasm. Like a twinge, and then I "go over"? And if it is an orgasm, it's quite unsatisfying, although I do enjoy the build-up before.

I did used to read a lot of erotica to get myself in the mood, and I used to touch my other zones. I think I've definitely been pressuring myself lately, so I can experience a better orgasm than I'm used to. I think I'll get a PlusOne bullet vibrator so I can experiment if that shape is better, in comparison to a rose vibrator where I have to be really fiddly with positioning. And once I figure out if I like that shape, I'll try out a Je Jou classic bullet which is more expensive, but has better rumbliness. I do think I've been stressed out and sad over my lack of sexual progress lately, especially since my latest toy didn't end up being a hit with my body like I had really hoped for.

[mikky]

Hey labrat,
You said you are unsure if what you are experiencing "counts as an orgasm." This might not be the answer you are looking for, but really, nothing does or doesn't "count." There is never going to be a test and nobody will ever study exactly what is happening in your specific masturbatory experiences and proclaim you improper.

What will more likely happen is that like most people, as you experiment with different sensations and try new things, new feelings might arise. While buying and trying different toys can be super fun, pressuring yourself to feel the best and always chasing that better sensation can lead to a ton of letdown. There might be some sensations you have yet to encounter that you LOVE, but also some that will be unsatisfying. Depending on where you buy toys, there can be marketing that promises mind-blowing earth-shattering screaming orgasms, and then not having that result can be upsetting.

I got sucked into this cycle for a while, during a time I felt generally very frustrated with the way I was experiencing orgasm (or lack thereof). As someone who easily falls into the promises that the next thing I buy will fix me, I bought quite a few toys, without considering what I expected a "real orgasm" to do for me.

You are feeling stressed out and sad about this. That is so tough, and not great grounds for trying new things. By putting money into a project that relies on a very sensitive and subjective feeling, do you think that is adding to the pressure and stress?

[thelabrat90]

I think youre right that it is stressing me out. Ultimate advice on what to do?

[mikky]

I think leaning off treating your body as a science experiment and exploring curiosities as they come up may be a more relaxed approach. You might try taking orgasms off the table completely, and see what comes along! Your body isn’t a problem to solve, and unless the Cosmo editors are demanding a “10 best ways to achieve a better O” piece from you next week, you have plenty of time for some slow exploration.

There might be some less expensive (and maybe therefore lower pressure) things to play around with, if you feel really tied to trying different things. For example, making a playlist, messing around with different temperatures, listening to a hot audiobook while spending some time outside, could all be entertaining without adding the pressure of a price tag.

[thelabrat90]

Thank you Milky! Thats not a bad idea. I do think ive been putting a lot of pressure on myself and have been enjoying masturbation less.

[lilikoi]

Hi thelabrat90,

Thank you for writing in! We get a lot of users with a similar experience. I can certainly relate to the desire for a simple orgasm where you can be finished and satisfied but that feeling is so individual. It's hard to identify a specific technique for one person. Sounds like you have a path forward to focus on curious exploration instead of climax. Hopefully removing the pressure helps you out! Let us know if there is anything further you'd like to chat about!