I'm terrified of my own anatomy

[newlynotace]

It's pretty much what the title says. I'm AFAB, and genderfluid. I don't know if my gender is what has caused this though. I struggle with a lot of mental health issues, but the long and short is I'm terrified of my vagina and vulva. Like, genuinely terrified. I'm terrified of something going in, of how that would feel, of the pain. Every time I think of anything going in, I imagine gallons of blood splurting out everywhere. I have OCD, and I know that has to be making this worse.

I've thought that I was asexual since I was fourteen or fifteen, so going on six or maybe seven years? Recently though, I've met someone who has really made me feel a lot of things and I've realized that I may actually be demisexual and interested in sex/sexual activities with the right partner. The impasse is still here though, because I am TERRIFIED of myself. My mom didn't really teach me grooming things, but even watching Youtube videos about how to wash yourself in the shower terrifies me. I don't want to touch myself there. I don't want to feel that sensation there with water and everything. I'm not scared of someone else touching me, I don't think, which makes it even more confusing.

Within the last year though, I had an infection and the medicine is generally something you insert. My mom got it for me and I laid on the floor and I just... couldn't make myself do it. It felt like I was trying to pull the trigger of a gun pointed directly at my face. I was shaking and sobbing hysterically trying to make myself use the medicine and I couldn't. I went and sat in an Urgent Care for three hours just so I could get prescribed a pill so I didn't have to insert that medication into myself because I couldn't physically make myself move and do it. It felt way more intense than any panic attack I've ever had before, and it's got my OCD paranoid that maybe something happened when I was younger?? I was always terrified of men growing up (like, burst into tears if my teacher had to leave us with a man in kindergarten) and there's some other things that point to that as a possibility that I won't get into but really the big point of this is:

What do I do??? I can't really change that I have this anatomy, and I'm not interested in having male anatomy, even if it was an easy change. Sometimes I wish I was a barbie doll with nothing there at all. I really like this person, and I'd like to explore what that means with them, but how do I do that if I can't even work up the courage to clean myself properly in the shower?? Help??

[mikky]

Hey Newlynotace, welcome to the boards!

I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing this much distress and discomfort.

A new crush can be so exciting, and it sounds like for the most part, there are some good feelings coming up for you here! Does it help to know that you never HAVE to have sex, or any specific types of sex that you don’t want to? You can keep your underwear on, hell, pants on, always have a barrier, etc. Something that comes up a lot here with users is people with vaginas learning that masturbation doesn’t have to be just sticking a finger or two inside yourself, and in fact, that tends to be pretty lackluster. You do not have to try anything internal, ever, if you don’t want to, and still leave plenty of sensation and pleasure on the table. How does that sound?

I am not an OCD expert, just a person who has done enough exposure therapy to know that any reasonable therapist would never start you on an exposure that feels like pointing a loaded gun at yourself. But, if you are wanting to challenge some fears, you might try finding something that feels gentler, that still gets you out of your comfort zone. For example, keeping underwear and pants on and touching the general area, or washing yourself (gently!) with a shower attachment where rather than you touching yourself, it is just water touching you. Or, for example, if watching a youtube video about hygiene is terrifying, how is reading an article? Can you think of some things that would be a more gradual exposure?

It might help to know that when you’re doing something like inserting a tampon or suppository, or washing yourself, it’s very unlikely that you would experience any kind of sexual stimulation (if that is feeling unsafe). While I really hope there is not a childhood trauma linked to these difficult feelings now, it does seem like there is a great deal of terror and fear here that is concerning.

Huge props to you for coming here and posting, and I hope we can help you find some peace.