Kink Scare

[bricknmortar]

Longggggg post below apologies...

So a few days ago i discovered somnophilia, which I’d heard of but never really thought about before, on tumblr and after reading a bunch of posts I thought its really hot, but it made me really uncomfortable because it falls under the cnc umbrella.

Normally, I tell my gf about what I find hot throughout the week and she does the same, but I made a mental note that she might not be accepting of this one. However after joking around I let it slip that I found something and she made me spit it out. I explained my complicated feelings about it, how I find it hot in fantasy, and like in a “soft” way. (this feels humiliating and exhausting to explain but tldr: I don't find the cnc aspect hot, i just like the sleepy headspace. I don't get off on assault, and I dont judge ppl with cnc kinks but its been made clear to me people are REALLY not accepting of them so I feel the need to clarify… sigh… anyway) I told her about it and could tell something was off, and after not talking all day she told me it really scared her, and the whole morning she couldn't stop thinking about someone taking advantage of her in her sleep, like too panic attack levels. I’m utter devastated. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I hurt her. And sweetheart she is, she says its fine, it's not my fault, it wasn't anything I said, and I believe her. But I still feel so awful that I scared her. And i don't want to push her to talk about it anymore because she claims to be over it already, but I’m certainly not.

Idk what I want from y’all, I just felt so immediately isolated, and like I just needed to tell someone or I might explode. I’ve spent the last few years ranting to myself about how isolating kink can feel, and I don’t really have any kinky friends or resources other than my gf.

[Heather]

Hi there, bricknmortar. No need for apologies, sex and sexuality are often complex and nuanced -- long posts are often more helpful than shorter ones!

I'm really sorry that this has gone like this. I completely understand what you're saying about the sexiness of a sleeping person. I also want to add that that doesn't have to be a CNC situation unless someone wants it to be. For instance, someone who wanted to actively engage in sleep sex can have conversations with partners about it and sort out ways to make it consensual, like by a partner giving consent for someone to begin being sexual with them when they're asleep, and just checking in as they rouse (which people will nearly always do unless they are intoxicated or medicated to sleep very soundly, populations where obviously consent with this just might not be possible and doing anything with this would be a bad choice).

Mind, a lot of people won't even want to do anything about this, it's just -- as it sounds like with you -- a feeling you get from seeing someone sleeping, and I think extrapolating that will involve someone doing something to someone sleeping nonconsensually probably says more about the rape culture we all exist in and the fear it has us live with (and how difficult it can be sometimes to even en vision something like this without the effects of rape culture creeping in) than anything else, you know? I think that is probably more of what scared her than you, if it's any consolation. I don't think there is any reason for you to feel ashamed or guilty. You didn't do anything wrong here, I promise. I think you can take your partner's word on that. <3

How do you think we can best help you from here? What do you feel like you need to feel okay about this?

[bricknmortar]

I think the rape culture aspect is totally true. I spent some time reading other related posts and one talked in depth about the difference between CNC and actual assault, which I found quite helpful. I was feeling really sad and rejected at the time, but after calming down I see that I’m not the one she fears. Still sucks though of course, I hate that we live in a world where we worry about it, cause hell doesn't everyone?

Between your reply, extensive journaling, and chatting with a friend I’m feeling much better. I think some time and grace will be enough. Thank you for your help!! I’m so grateful to have this resource, it's really cool to have somewhere to ask all the hard sex questions.

[Heather]

Oh, I'm so glad you're feeling better. I think it's wonderful, of course, you care about your partner's distress, but I don't think you're responsible for it. The good news is that just by being the great partner and person you are, I think you already are doing all you can to make them feel safe.

And yes, I agree with you about how much it sucks for all of us to have to live in a world so infused with rape culture.

Happy we can be here for you, though!