Scarleteen

Hi scarleteen, today one of my friends with dem girlfriend asked me to have sex with me, and I told them maybe that's okay.
But I'm not sure, because I never had sex with anybody before and threesome seems really hot and tasty but isn't it too much for the first time?

Oh I forgot that dem pronouns are die/dem/der

Hi Mika!

It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed from being offered to have a threesome, especially if you haven't had sex before. Sex with one partner can be a lot for people who are new to it, let alone two.

Reading your message, it seems like you are not too sure about this offer, even though you already said yes to your friend. Before meeting up with your friend and der girlfriend for the session, I think it'd be helpful to review what you'd like to do and not like to do (including if threesome is your cup of tea or not). Afterwards, you can take some time to discuss with the two of them if you're good, and what all of you can expect from the sex from each other. Being honest is very helpful here, especially since this would be your first time.

Remember, you don't have to say yes to der offer if you don't feel like it! You have every right to change your mind, and if your friend respects you, die should be okay with it.

Here are some of our articles to help you get started:
- Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
- Be a Blabbermouth! (Some Sample Sexual Conversations)
- Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
- Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

This conversation between one of our past volunteers and a user with a similar question can also be helpful: viewtopic.php?p=52964&hilit=threesome#p52964

Does this make sense to you, and do you have additional questions?

Hey there, mika. I'm going to take a slightly different stance on this than Char did, and you can consider what both of us had to say as you make your decisions.

It is actually pretty complicated to do a threesome well, especially with friends, where you obviously want to protect your friendship with them. Sex with one person, and only one person, already asks for a lot of communication skills, for you feeling pretty comfortable with your own sexuality, and for managing things that you've struggled with feeling scared about before when they haven't been actual in-person issues yet, like STIs, sexual feelings for your friends, and feeling stigmatized because of queerness. Add on more people and there's a need for even more communication, more comfort and more management of all the things we need to manage with one person.

I also want to say that sex with two people could be hot and tasty, but just like sex with one person, it also could NOT be: how sex is with anyone, no matter how many people are involved, can run the gamut from being the most uncomfortable and boring thing of all time to being some of the greatest times of our lives. Just because it's a threesome doesn't mean it will be yummy. It can be any way any kind of sex can be.

Too, have you met this friend's partner? Do you two like each other and feel attracted to each other? Do you two feel comfortable with each other? What do you know about *their* relationship and what it's like? Is it healthy? Do they seem like a couple ready to be sexual with someone else and able to handle that well?

Lastly, and respectfully, I don't think we can know in advance what we will and won't want to do with sexual partners we've never even kissed before. What we might want to do in the abstract can just be SO different than what we want to do on the4 ground.

If you don't already know these two very well already, and you are possibly interested in pursuing this, why not slow it down and at least start with the three of you just spending an afternoon together platonically to get to know each other, and see how you vibe? If you do that and you are all feeling like a threesome might be something you want to pursue, then it makes a lot more sense to me to start talking logistics -- what you might want and what might be a boundary, safer sex, protocols for if and when anyone wants to stop, etc -- then.

I've written a few advice columns over the years for users asking about threesomes. Here are a couple you might find helpful:
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... -boyfriend
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... -threesome

I think this piece might also be a good one for you:
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... casual-sex

Actually I met der girlfriend sometimes, she's a shy but a little naughty
Also sometimes I talk about sexual issues and porn with my friend. And I remember in the old days that I try french kiss with my friend. Die is really kind and supportive to me. But we never ask about sex until now.

This is all I remember about my friend and der friend.

Hi Mika! I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here. Also, I’m so glad to see you back here!

So, it sounds like you’ve spent a little bit of time with der girlfriend and have spoken about sexual topics with your friend, but maybe not the girlfriend. Have you spent time with the both of them together? If so, how was it? Did you get a sense that they’d be able to handle and enjoy group sex? Too, was this something your friend brought up alone, and did you get an indication that this is something der girlfriend wants too?

I also like Heather’s suggestion of hanging out with them together first as friends, and seeing if the vibe feels right to you all. I will say, it can be hard to figure out the vibe with a couple and a potential threesome when there hasn’t been a very direct conversation about it with everyone together. On top of that, as others have said, it’s also just hard to navigate threesomes in general! In thinking about having a sexual experience for the first time, having a threesome introduces a bunch of new variables all at once, which is why it might be more comfortable and enjoyable for you to take smaller steps before moving toward more complicated sexual activity like group sex. Know what I mean? How does hearing that make you feel?

Mika, thanks for sharing more information about your friend's girlfriend. To Heather and Kier, I deeply appreciate the insightful additions from the two of you ^_^

Adding to what Kier has said, if it's possible for the three of you, it would be nice if you could spend some more time with your friend and der girlfriend together and chat about multiple things. Not just sex-related stuff, but also non-sexual topics, especially considering that your friend's girlfriend is rather shy. That way, you (and everyone else) can learn about each other more and decide whether a threesome is something that all of you would like to do.