I need help to stop seeing sex as a big deal

[Pole]

Forgive me this is my first time posting here. Im 16 and although i have been unlearning seeing sex as something bad, i still have issue seeing it as something teenagers can do. There is no right age to have sex as i am aware, many are able to have it safely at most ages with the right information. But i cant help seeing it as something people my age shouldn’t do and it bothers me, though I don’t experience sexual attraction (or even romantic attraction) I do want to do it, though I don’t have anyone to do it with and in truth- i plan on waiting until I’m in college as things will be a lot easier then and I won’t be surrounded by a bunch of immature douchebags like right now in high school. I can’t help seeing sex as an adult thing though, my whole life, not just by my family but everywhere i go it has been framed as something only adults can do. I get so bothered when i hear people my age doing it because i start feeling like im behind they are being irresponsible or it’s risky or im worried for them or im jealous because I want to do it too but I don’t want to be in a relationship. I want to get out of this mindset because i know its not logical, I mean I'm okay with people my age driving (just a bit envious if anything because i have yet to get my license) and driving is 10x more risky than sex, you could do everything right and still get permanently injured or die all because some idiot was drinking and driving or driving irresponsibly. Yet even while knowing this i see sex as more, idk, life changing? Its not though, its like kissing and people my age can consent to kissing as long as its with someone their age, the same can be said about sex . Does anyone know how i can stop with this mindset? Please forgive and spelling errors i got a new phone and its keyboard is a lot smaller than I'm used to.

[Anya]

Hi Pole,

Welcome to the boards.

Before I begin with a response to this post, I would like to remind you of our policy against the use of VPNs in case you are using one. We require this sense of transparency so that we are able to better identify which users are suited for our or other services. If you are not using a VPN, then do not worry about this message, but if you are, we kindly ask that you do not continue to use it on this site.

[Pole]

Im not using a VPN.

[Anya]

Hi Pole,

Thanks for clarifying that!

It seems like there's a lot here, so let me know if I'm getting this right. It sounds like you're having trouble removing what may be a potentially shame-rooted mindset about sex in order to have your own healthy relationship with it going forward. Does that sound right?

I am interested in the analogy you made between sex and driving. It seems like you may be viewing sex to be something of an uncontrolled event? Like you mentioned, when people drive, they could be as safe as possible, and still be putting their safety at risk. This is totally understandable and brings up a good point. When engaging in sex, there is always some sense of risk involved even when using protective and preventitive methods for your health. The important point about engaging solo or with others in sexual activity is the ability for communication. Communication about your needs, wants, fears, and confusion can often aid the process of feeling confident in yourself and the actions you're taking. Even if that is just saying to yourself or a sexual partner, "I dont know what I want," "this thing doesn't feel like me," it can be helpful for awareness of your own body.

Here is an article of ours that I'd recommend you give a look.
Undoing Sexual Shame
Once youve read it, come back and let me know any thoughts that come up.

[Pole]

I read through it and it really reframed things. I think a bit part of the reason I’m bothered is because i feel so behind in life, I don’t really know myself as much as many my age. I don’t experience sexual attraction and as of recently I haven’t experince romantic attraction and I’m not sure i ever did as most of the “crushes” ive had seems to be because i wanted to be a friend, or wanted a close friend. When I imagine myself going into a relationship I don’t think of a traditional relationship, where I love the partner (man, woman or in between). In truth I don’t even know if im capable of loving someone in a non sibling way or parent child way. I care for my friends but I can’t say i love them and really mean it because I genuinely don’t know.

Moving back to the sex thing, I have been doing work to unlearn a lot of puritanical views I've been taught throughout the course of my life, i mean i was told the hymen is a proof of virginity, though found out very early on that it wasn’t because i was on the internet a lot (as most gen z kids are) and the misinformation was quickly cleared for me. I have learned to renounce virginity as a concept and even though I haven’t done anything yet I don’t consider myself a virgin and i’m not going to lie i hate the word SOOO much. I have sexual desires even though I don’t think I'm attracted to anyone in that way. I don’t want a relationship either, even though i fantasize about fictional romantic scenarios. I’m aware aroace people exist but I can’t help feeling like there’s something wrong with me?

Come to think of it even with romantic relationships i feel the same way, i always tell myself that they will break up later and thats how high school relationships are but many stay with their high school partner and i feel like there is something wrong with me because im not with someone yet, I don’t like someone enough to be with them in any way, I can’t even express myself properly in friendships. I can be mature or smart with other things in life, but socially im so underdeveloped? I have friends though, may people say they like being around me and i talk A LOT but im so disconnected from everything.

This definitely turned into a rant, sorry if this is above your pay grade. Also happy new year! ( or In advance, not sure about your time but im still in new years eve)

[Latha]

Happy new year, Pole! I'm glad the guide Anya shared was helpful!

I don't want to dismiss your feelings or tell you that you just shouldn't be bothered. But I want to point out that, from the outside, it sounds like you do know a lot about yourself. You know that you care for your friends, though you wouldn't call those feelings love. You know that you haven't experienced romantic and sexual attraction. You know that you do love your family. And, you know that you are not really interested in a traditional romantic relationship, regardless of the gender of your partner. Your understanding of yourself could grow and change over time, but that is true for everyone. Just because your answers are different from other people, that doesn't mean you don't know yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you as you are. You don't have to experience attraction or be in a relationship with another person to be mature or on time in life. These are completely neutral interests.

Does hearing that you are not behind help you feel differently about people who have sex or are in relationships at your age?

[Pole]

I think it does, thank you.

[KierC]

You’re so welcome, Pole! We’re here for you if you need any more support.