How to move past anxiety surrounding pregnancy after sterilization

[astrodogs9000]

Hi Scarleteen.

I had surgery in July for a bilateral salpingectomy a couple months ago. I have an awesome gynecologist that didn't need much convincing to perform such a surgery on a childfree 22 year old, and a very supportive male partner. Me and my partner don't want kids and I don't want to ever get pregnant. I decided to be the one to get sterilized as opposed to him because this current administration frankly scares me, and him getting sterilized only protects me from getting pregnant from sex with him. While I understand that there are some LARCs that are almost as effective and less invasive than surgical sterilization, access to contraception of any kind in the US is on pretty shaky ground right now, and I also don't then want to be in the position where I have an unwanted pregnancy and no access to termination. All in all I don't regret it, the day of surgery was a little scary but my recovery went very smooth and I would do it a hundred times if I had to. I did choose to continue taking hormonal birth control pills for period regulation, they are otherwise a lot heavier and a bit irregular and just not something I want to deal with.

I developed some pretty bad anxiety in my teen years surrounding pregnancy due to my desire to never get or be pregnant and general medical anxiety I have. That was actually how I discovered Scarleteen, from anxiously googling "can fingering get you pregnant" after fooling around with this very same partner at 15, and then learning that no, it doesn't and here is how reproduction actually works. It's an anxiety that has stayed with me for a very long time as my partner and I have intensified our sexual relationship, and there have been moments where that anxiety has hindered my ability to enjoy sex and affection because I just did not want to feel it. That was also a major factor in why I got sterilized, I like having sex with my partner and I was tired of my anxiety hampering it for us.

Since I have recovered from surgery, I have definitely settled into the idea that I lack the facilities to get pregnant. I have very nice pictures of before and after my fallopian tubes were cut out, as well as a nicely detailed surgical and pathology reports. My partner and I have been long distance since February and will be until December, so we haven't been able to have sex since my surgery. We used to use condoms in conjunction with my pill (thanks Buddy System!) and fully intend on ditching them once we start having sex again. All in all, I do feel like I have had a significant weight taken off of my shoulders and that I can probably enjoy condom free sex without anxiety.

But part of me is scared that it'll come right back when I am finally in the moment with him again. Logically I know that it is functionally impossible for me to get pregnant. There are a few very fringe cases of pregnancy after fallopian tube removal, but the circumstances surrounding those cases were so wildly rare that it just isn't worth worrying about. Still, I don't want my moment to come and then be saddled with anxiety that I will be a one in a million case, or that somehow despite all evidence my surgery was done improperly, or whatever other crap my lizard brain thinks of to ruin sex for me. This isn't anxiety I have right now, but I am scared of having it later, and I want to get ahead of it before then. Any pointers and insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading my book, lol. I didn't intend for it to get so long but it felt necessary to hash all this out to paint a full picture of my specific situation.

[Latha]

Hi there, Astrodogs9000--welcome to the boards!

Congratulations on getting a bisalp. I'm glad recovery went well!

You know, I think you are already doing a lot of the work that would preempt feeling anxious again in the future. This surgery has marked a significant change for you, and your circumstances are different--there is every chance that you will not be end up feeling quite as anxious when you have sex with your partner in the future.

But, if it does end up happening, that doesn't mean sex will be ruined. You don't have just one moment to get this right with your partner -- you will have many opportunities to develop a satisfying relationship together. If and when you do start feeling worried, you'll have time to work through those feelings and try again. Now that you know what it is like to feel more certain, it will probably be easier to feel this way once more.

It is totally fair that you want to enjoy sex with your partner, and I understand feeling frustrated when anxiety gets in the way of that. Just, try not to put too much pressure on making things go right the first time, or any given time. If there was anything I would advise doing right now, it might be best to focus on developing strategies to manage anxiety and stress as they happen in your life, so you'll have the tools you need if you do start to feel nervous about getting pregnant. We list some resources that might help with that this article: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

[astrodogs9000]

Hey there!

I had every intention of replying two months ago! But then work got hectic, I had an epiphany about going back to graduate school, and then got sucked into looking for available graduate positions and applying for a government fellowship (as it is, openings are dry for my area for my field and I am limited to where I can go due to my partner also intending to make a career when he gets back and we're no longer long distance. Sucks, but it is what it is and I have my whole 20s to go back to grad school).

I've had a couple more months to settle into sterility. I feel way more confident in my ability to curb any anxiety that might come up when my partner is home in two-ish weeks. When I think about actually having sex post-bisalp, I feel... nothing. Anxiety-wise at least. The thought that "ooh wait, I could get pregnant" just doesn't cross my mind anymore. The closer I get to actually having sex, I don't feel any anxiety come up. The anxiety I DO feel is more so the general anxiety and excitement combo you get from seeing someone you haven't seen in months and making sure our home isn't the sad little cave I've turned it into since he's been gone. We will have to relearn how to have sex together, but I'm not that worried about that, just excited.

And I always have tools in case my brain short circuits and throws unwarranted pregnancy anxiety at me. Skills from therapy, pictures from surgery, screenshots of my operative notes, the literal scars on my abdomen. Everything is pretty definitive that the necessary plumbing to get pregnant is gone and out of my body. Absolute worst case scenario, I just buy a pregnancy test to see the inevitable negative. Hell, I might just buy a pack of cheap strip tests and take them every placebo week until I feel that it's unnecessary or forget to. There's ways to comfort my brain.

[Latha]

Welcome back, Astrodogs9000!

We fully understand that life can get busy, and so we don't mind when someone takes time to respond. But, I'm glad to hear that you are not feeling bothered as by pregnancy anxiety these days, and that you feel confident in your ability to manage any worries!

It sounds like there are some exciting things coming up, between your partner coming back and your grad school plans. Good luck--we'll be rooting for you!