My partner want to stop intimacy

[avaanti]

Hi, I wanna know if I'm worried over nothing and it's just my overthinking.

Recently, we had a talk and my boyfriend said to me that he wanted to put a stop on sex, he said it's because he felt weak after his release and it's bothering him with his night shift.

I don't know why he's bringing that up now, because it's been a long while since we did it before his night shift, now we only meet up on his day off, when he had a whole day to rest the next day. I brought that up to him, and then he changed his reason to anxiety over the possibility that our parents would catch us in the act (our parents are strict and conservative/old school). But he said kisses and hugs are okay, it's just the sex that he wanted to put a stop on.

He explained to me that it's not because he's bored of me, or bored of what we did, or that he doesn't love me anymore. He reassured me that over and over because he knows that I will overthink this. But I can't help but worry.

He also said he's thorn between two options: he don't want to stop because he likes it too, but also he wanted to stop because he's scared that we'd get caught and that he think it's become unhealthy (we did it once a week because we only see each other once a week, four times in a month). And he expressed that he wanted us to find some other activities that are much 'healthier', to which I said to him that I can't think of anything else right now (I was overwhelmed, because the talk happened right after we just finished doing it).

I'm just.... so confused, because I don't want to stop (I told him that), it's an intimacy/closeness thing for me, not just sex. Also, this is his third time bringing up the same thing, he's said the same thing as well, but in the end we never stopped, and he's always the one who started it (the touching, the kissing). Then because we cannot come to the conclusion and he cannot decide which he wants more, he said that we should just let it go and let it be something like an idea/suggestion, something that only he should think about/worry about (because he don't want me to overthink/stress over it), but I said to him that I still want him to talk about it with me, that I'll be there when he needed to talk because I don't want to stress over it by himself.

Is he pulling away from me? From us? Did his feelings change? Is he not attracted to me anymore? But he denied all of this, even as we talk, he never stopped kissing me, hugging me. It's confusing me.

[Becky]

Hi avaanti!

Unfortunately, I can't fully answer all of your questions because I don't know what's going on inside your boyfriend's head. I think for now, we'll just have to take what he says at face value and believe that he still loves you, wants to be with you, and is attracted to you.

Two major things I'm hearing from him are: 1) He still enjoys sex with you but wants to find other ways to spend time together and 2) He's anxious about being caught by your parents.

Both of these things could potentially affect someone's excitement about being sexual. Our brains and our bodies are pretty strongly connected. It sounds like you only get to see each other once a week and usually you spend that time having sex. Do I have that correct?

Sometimes if we focus too much on the sexual aspect of our relationships, it can feel like other parts are being forgotten about or left behind. Are there other activities you two like to do together? Like cuddle and watch movies, go for walks, play games?

Also, being nervous about being walked-in on by parents can definitely heighten anxiety and also rush the process of being intimate with each other. Maybe he's hoping to find ways to experience intimacy together without having to rush or worry about being caught in a compromising position.

I found this article that I think speaks to a few things your boyfriend is saying (slowing down and finding other activities to do together). Could you read it over and let me know if anything resonates with you?

[avaanti]

Oh, yes, that... that make sense. Maybe I'll talk it out with him, see if we can come up with something. I was quick to assume anything, and that's my bad. I've read the article, and I think I'll also bring this up to him, and see if it resonate with him. Some of it does resonate with me, so, thank you!!!

[Heather]

I do just want to add that it will happen sometimes in relationships that one partner wants to be sexual -- or wants to be sexual in certain ways -- while the other does not. Part of being sexual with someone, rather than alone/masturbation, means that we're always accepting that there are going to be times we both want to be sexual and times when our wants and needs don't line up, so whoever is the person wanting to is just going to need to accept they will have that want and it will just be unmet sometimes.

It's also really important when a partner asks for that that we just accept that without interrogating them about it or projecting our own worries about why they want that unto them. We always want our partners to feel that their no is just as acceptable as their yes, and to create that feeling, we need to be good about accepting their no. It sounds like your partner was pretty clear about why he wants to stop for now, so I'd encourage you not to ask more questions about it and to do what you can to manage your insecurities about this on your own, rather than bringing them to him. That can feel like pressure, you know?

I'd also say that allowing partners space away from sex with ease and warmth and listening IS also a kind of intimacy. After all, he's shared his feelings with you about this: that's intimacy. You giving him whatever space and support he needs around this? That's also intimacy. Helping him hold the lines he wants to hold: also intimacy. It might be that some of why this hasn't stuck in the past even though he keeps saying he wants a break is that he needs more support and affirmation from you that you support him in this and that you're okay with it.

There are a lot of ways to be intimate with each other, either when sex is off the table, or because sex alone is only one way of being intimate. You might find this piece about intimacy helpful for both of you: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots. <3