is this sa..? idrk honestly (cocsa maybe?)

[hardcorefrerard]

so uhh...im a teenager. i THINK ive been sa'ed? but i really dont wanna say it, cause its not like i was raped... and im gonna uh describe it, im sorry if this is innapropriate

when i was 5-6 (im bad with memories) my neighbor (who was 10 or 11 at the time) asked me something like "do you know what sex is?" and i, being a fuhking child was like..no..i dont...and something led to more stuff and he ended up asking me if he could put his hands in my pants so i was like. uh. well, sure, cause i didnt know what was happening yk
so he like..put his hands in my panties...and kinda uh. touched my private parts? i guess? i remember him saying something like i was wet if thats even fucking possible
but i constantly get flashbacks and remember exactly how his hands felt touching me, ive never told my parents becahuse i dont think theyd care or theyd say im lying. but idk. its also why im so sensitive to people touching me down there.

but the thing that really stumps me is i said yes. i said he could do it, and i never told him i didnt like it. it feels like its my fault tbh

i have other things that have happened to me that i wont talk about here bc wow holy yap i should shut up but . yah

[Heather]

Hi again, hardcorefrerard.

I'm so sorry to hear you had this experience. You know "rape" is just one word that means "sexual assault." You get to use whatever language for this feels best for you, and that's your choice.

But whatever you choose to call it, what you are describing here does sound like child-on-child sexual assault. It's common for children to say yes in situations like this because they simply don't know or understand what they are saying yes to. Younger children also often want to impress older children. It may have even been that the older child that did this to you wasn't fully or even at all sure of what he was doing, either, but none of that makes what was done to you your fault.

It may be a reason for you feeling uncomfortable with people touching you in certain areas of your body, for sure. You also can talk about this or other things here as little or as much as you'd like: that's up to you, too.

How can we best help you with this from here? We can just give you support, we can listen to you and just give you a safe space to talk about abuse or assault in, we can suggest resources, or any or all of the above. Just let me know. <3

[hardcorefrerard]

giggles sorry its so funny being reffered to as my user when its so ridiculous /silly

and uh sighs. SIGHS...i wish it wasnt becuase a lot of people have told me it seems liek sa but i really dont think that was his intent :c i js feel bad framing him as a bad person because it feels like he wasnt, plus he was my only friend when i had just moved and he played with me- sniffles

and yghufh idk i really just think i need advice on where to go from here but also i havent described all thats happened to me (which tbf isnt much) but uh huhuhhh i dont. know </333 im s9rry

[Heather]

You know, how you think of this person isn't going to have any impact on them or their life at all. What's in your head about them with this, and how you think of them, is only for you, and it is also only really for you. Your thoughts and feelings can't hurt them, I promise.

I do understand, though, the internal conflict of being hurt by someone we liked or loved. Since most abuse and assault happens to us from people we know, this is something that, unfortunately, many survivors of all kinds of abuse and assault have to or have had to grapple with, and it's hard and painful, you're right. The trouble is, very few people are all good or all bad, and so that means that we will sometimes have experiences with people who do both good and bad things, and who we have both painful and nice memories about. It's really confusing, and I understand having a hard time with it.

You don't need to be sorry about anything. In terms of where to go from here, that's really up to you, but most of what someone in your position is usually looking for if they are NOT still in contact with the person who harmed them is to have and process the memories and feelings they are having, and then to get quality help and support with learning how to live with having this experience and the feelings it creates. Does that feel like something you might want?

If you are still in any contact with this person, especially if seeing them isn''t a choice, you might have other wants or needs, like help figuring out how to get out of contact with them or deal with any contact you have limited or no choices with. Is that the case?

[Heather]

(Just FYI, I am heading out for the day, and we are closed for the Jewish holiday tomorrow, so if you don't hear from any of us again until Friday, that's why -- it won't be about anything you have said. <3)