Scarleteen

Hi everyone,

Im new to this forum and i hope someone could help me, i feel so lost.

In short: I dont feel much when touching myself.

The long version: im a currently 20 year old (virgin) woman. For as long as i can remember i havent been feeling much when touching myself (though of course memories might have slipped my mind), and ive tried my fingers, riding plushies/pillows, water pressure, the handle of my hairbrush. When theres something inside me, object or fingers, i can feel them as much as you can feel something being inside you, but it doesnt actually feel super nice. Ive tried moving my fingers in and out of course, moving them inside too, trying to find the spot, and while it doesnt feel unpleasant, its not something that makes me react much like bite my lip or moan or twitch or anything else youd do when you feel pleasure. If anything, ive found that playing with my clit (can i say that?) feels a little better, but also not particularly pleasurable and it also kind of doesnt make any other parts of my body feel good. I can orgasm, i think, but it feels dull and like the build up wasnt worth it at all. It kind of feels as if youre watching something happen through milky glass — its perceivable, but dull and.. i dont know.

I currently have a long-distance girlfriend, and when we sext or call and i listen to her and guide her when touching herself i usually can get very wet, and i do think its attractive, but at the same time my body just feels dull and when i end up touching myself after it feels the same like always.

Im scared theres something wrong with my nerve endings (apologies if this makes no scientific sense) as ive read that some women have less nerves down there/something is wrong with the neural connection, and i dont think theres anything that could be done about that. I should mention that i do suffer from depression, dont feel a lot of emotion in general and am under a lot of stress lately (im an engineering major) and im aware that it can highly affect your libido and how you feel while masturbating or having sex. However, my girlfriend for example also suffers from severe depression and shes highly sensitive and thoroughly enjoys it from the process to finishing (This is so bizarre to me because the process barely feels any kind of pleasant to me and i do have to admit im often jealous of it). Of course how depression affects people is individual, but combined with the fact i cant remember ever feeling much while touching myself makes me question if the reason could be depression alone.
Im also underweight and dont eat that much due to stress and habits (~170cm to ~50kg) not sure if that could be a factor.

Ive considered buying a toy, but im scared even that wont do much and ill feel shattered. Yes, I know theres much more to life than sex and masturbating, but i already feel broken and i wish at least my body could feel nice sometimes.

Does anyone have advice or had a similar experience? Help is appreciated:(

Welcome to the boards, breatheyouin. I'm sorry that you're feeling so frustrated, but I'm glad you've found us. Let's see what we can do to help you out with this. Please know that having issues like this doesn't mean you're broken. I promise that you're not broken. We are all so different when it comes to this stuff, and for a range of reasons, it's just easier for some people to access this and other kinds of pleasure than other people.

You are right in saying that how depression impacts people, including with sexual response, is individual. Not only are kinds of depression variable, how it all feels in our bodies and what it does is going to be different just because all of our bodies and histories are so different.

From all that you are describing here, my sense is that your experience of sensation being lackluster and orgasm, when it happens for you, feeling meh and dull probably has to do with you not being or feeling particularly aroused a lot of the time. I suspect that's due to a combination of your depression (are you taking any medications for it, btw?), stress, and possibly some lifestyle issues, like undereating (assuming that's why you are underweight for your height). At this point, I think we can also figure that the frustration and worry you have around all of this, and you having a history of lackluster experiences are also playing a part.

I doubt that this is about issues with your nervous system, but just to check, can you say a little bit about if you have any current issues or history with either numbness or pain in or around your genitals? Have you ever had any neurological issues in general in your health history?

I wonder if you could also fill me in on what your experiences with pleasure have been overall? Outside of sexual sensation, does touch to your body in general feel dull, like you are describing with your genitals? Outside of sexual pleasure, what's your relationship to pleasure like in other areas of your life? For example, do you experience it eating foods you love, or with activities you really enjoy, or with emotional connections to people? You also say you don't feel a lot of emotion in general: would you describe yourself as emotionally feeling numb sometimes or often?