Thinking about something that happened a few years ago...

[Ray_yay]

Hello,

I've been recently trying to work through all sorts of my trauma, and realised that something very messed up happened to me when I was 14.

I met a guy on discord. He told me he was 17, but honestly, from what I remember he looked older than that. I would say he was more like 18-19. That doesn't really matter though, it doesn't make what happened any less messed up.

He lived on the other side of the country, but came to visit me by train all the way to where I live. We had two dates like this. And on the second date, I brought him to my favorite spot in a forest near where I live. A little wooden lookout which was more like a tree house (it had a door and everything). I didn't expect anything to happen, we were briefly talking about sex before, but I told him that I don't wanna do anything before I'm old enough to actually legally consent (the age of consent in my country is 15), and he said we wouldn't do anything until then.

...well that was a lie. We were in the tree house for barely 10 minutes, and he started touching my thighs (I was laying with my head on his lap and we were watching episode 2 season 2 of Hannibal... i didn't finish watching the show after that btw. Whenever I see it i get reminded of this... incident). And after that, as you might have guessed, touching thighs turned to groping my ass, turned into fingering, turned into... other things. I never said no during any of those things. I never said no because i was a naive child and thought that this is what happens naturally in all relationships, and even though im not fully comfortable with it, i should just let it happen. So I did.

He broke up with me like a week after that. And i was left anxious, repeatedly punching my stomach, drinking caffeinated drinks and smoking vapes so that I would miscarry if i happened to get pregnant from that encounter (thank god i did not).

Well, fast forward to present day, and I'm realising that what happened probably wasn't okay, and is probably the source of my hypersexuality and my need to oversexualise myself.

I am still not sure whether this was my fault or not though. I could have said no. I could have walked away from the tree house. He wasn't threatening me to have sex with him. I could have just left or stopped him the second I started being uncomfortable. But I didn't. And now I'm not sure if what happened to me even counts as SA, or if I'm just overreacting.

[Sofi]

Hi Ray. I'm so sorry you went through this and are feeling confused about the whole situation. I want to start off by saying what happened isn't your fault. Just because you didn't say no doesn't mean it was your fault.

There are several issues here: first one is that he did not ask for consent or receive it in any way - it sounds like you froze and just let it happen, which unfortunately, many of us have been there and can relate. We shouldn't have to say "hey, I don't want this to happen" or push someone away because they should check in before starting anything sexual to make sure there's consent, which he didn't. On top of that, you had explicitly said you did not want to do anything sexual until you're at the age of consent, so he was fully aware you didn't want this to happen. That shows he did not have good intentions here.

The age difference is another big factor - you being 14 and him possibly being 18/19 creates a power dynamic, even if we put legalities aside. If you were 24 and he was 28, for example, then you'd be in a similar stage of life and development, so 4 years wouldn't be a problematic gap. But at 14, when you're still barely in high school, under the legal age of consent in your country, and at a very different stage of mental and physical development than an 18-19 year old, that gap becomes problematic. Especially if he lied to you about his age, which is not okay behavior and tells me, again, he didn't have good intentions going into any of this.

You are not overreacting and the way you're feeling about this is valid. Sex should NOT feel like this - there should be consent and desire both before any sexual encounter happens, and during. Neither happened in this case, so of course you feel icky about it. So, just to reiterate, you are definitely not overreacting here.

How can we best help you through this? And, is this something you feel like you could maybe bring up to your psychologist? Have you ever talked to anyone about this?

[Ray_yay]

Hi!

Thanks for the response, I was mostly looking for validation that what happened to me was truly wrong and that I'm not just overreacting.

And I've actually never talked to anyone about this before. This message board is the first place where I put what happened to me to words

[KierC]

Hi ray_yay,

You’re absolutely not overreacting. It is absolutely wrong of this guy to do all of that to you, and I’m so sorry to hear that you endured this. I can appreciate how hard it can be to open up about this for the first time, so I also wanted to thank you for coming to us with this and for your openness in sharing. I am glad that you’ve told us, though I am so sorry it happened.
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What sort of support do you think might help you with this? Do you want to talk more about it, or how you’re feeling these days? Too, do you think you might want to bring this up with a psychologist?

[Ray_yay]

Hello,

I would probably like talking about it a bit more here, if that's okay. I could potentially bring it up with a psychologist, but the town stopped funding the free psychologists that we had in my town, so going to a psychologist anonymously is not an option anymore, and I'm too scared to bring it up to the school psychologist, since it's so serious of a topic that she might alert my parents. And i definitely do not want that, since they would blame the whole thing on me and wouldn't help me in any way.

I am mostly at peace with what happened, but I recognise that it left trauma behind. Since it happened, I got used to oversexualising myself to the point where I feel like if I don't, my partner will not like me and I will not be desirable anymore (which I know is not true, my current partner is an absolute sweetheart, but the fear is still there). And along with oversexualising myself came hypersexuality. I need sexual contact almost every single day, or else I don't feel loved and get anxious that my partner doesn't like me (which again, I know it's not true, but effects of trauma can be irrational). My own need for excessive sexual contact bothers me, I don't wanna be like this. But I don't really know how not to be?? I guess i would appreciate some advice on this, if you can offer that...

[KierC]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this! That sounds like a really difficult position to be in. I’m so sorry to hear that your parents would blame you. This is not your fault at all. I do think that speaking to the school psychologist would be a good idea. I believe they shouldn’t tell your parents about something that happened before and isn’t a currently safety threat, but you can always (and should) ask them to clarify their privacy policy before speaking to them. How does that sound to you?

I hear you that this has left some lasting effects on how you feel about yourself sexually and in relationships. I want to gently offer some thoughts on the hypersexuality you mentioned. So, hypersexuality is not a clinically accurate term, because there’s really no “right” or “wrong” amount of sexual desire to have. It is possible to have more of a compulsive relationship with it, and that would typically become a concern if it’s getting in the way of you doing your daily routine, like school, work, sleep, or eating. Know what I mean?

From what you’re describing, it seems like you might be thinking of sexual desire in the same realm as sexual validation. Would you say that’s accurate? It seems like the need for sexual validation is really bothersome for you, and I completely understand how that would feel so crummy. There’s truly nothing wrong with feeling sexual desire, even if you feel it often, but that persistent desire for sexual validation can be a really painful thing to go through. Have you spoken with your partner about this?

[Ray_yay]

Hey,

Yeah, I do get what you mean. And you're right, I could try asking the psychologist about her privacy policy first, just to make sure.
And yes, it's accurate that I need a lot of sexual validation. I haven't really spoken to my partner about why exactly i feel this way yet, because I feel like talking about my trauma out loud would be really hard for me, and I also don't wanna burden him with it (and i also dont really know how to bring it up to him). All he knows is that I like sex a lot. Because that's how I always explained it to him (by the was it IS TRUE that i like sex a lot. But i feel really bad for also needing it to validate me and reassure me that I'm loved)

[Heather]

Hi there, Ray_yay. I'm someone who also went through a couple experiences like you did, as well as other assaults, when I was young. I'm glad you're here and feel able to ask for some help and support working through this.

I want to add to the conversation that it might actually be pretty hard for you to untangle how you feel about sex and sexuality so far from what happened to you. There are also loads of people your same age who are in a space where sex feels like something that has a lot to do with getting validation and reassurance of care or desirability, and lots of those folks are just young or insecure in this new part of life and also did *not* experience what you did. I've worked in this field almost 30 years now, and in that time, I've noticed that it's pretty common for young people to feel like you do about it, and I think that's pretty understandable. After all, most of our intimate relationships in this time of life are very new and very wobbly and uncertain, feelings tend to run hot but also are often fleeting, and our sense of self often feels really precarious. I might try to give yourself more of a break here, and try and see those feelings, but judge them less. <3

One more thing I want to add is that we really can't burden people with sharing our trauma if they are the kind of people who both actually want to be honestly close to us, and who are also emotionally ready to be close. If you put the shoe on the other foot and imagine yourself as your partner you can probably see what I mean: you'd like feel trusted and privileged to have someone you care for allow you to share their burdens, right? Do you have any sense of your partner's want to be close to you and their level of emotional maturity with things like this?

[Ray_yay]

Hi,

My partner is honestly very mature and always tries his best to help and understand me in any given situation. He has helped me through a few of my other traumas already. But when it comes to this one, i don't know... im just scared to bring this up to him for some reason?? I know that it's common among cis guys (at least on social media, I haven't had nearly enough cis friends throughout my life to know what its like irl) to like their partner to be still a virgin before they meet, and although I do not know my partner's feelings on this, since we've never even brought it up (I think he might think this whole mindset of cis guys is stupid, because he tends to not agree with traditional cis guys on a lot of things), but the fear that I might end up being disgusting to him is there for some reason. I know that it 99,9% would not be the case, but... yeah. I'm just really scared to bring it up. He is really emotionally mature and has been helpful with a lot of things in the past and I trust him more than anyone in the world. But this is the one thing that I don't know how I would bring up and I'm scared to bring up, even though I have no reason to be scared

[lilikoi]

Hi there Ray_yay,

I want to reiterate that the treehouse incident was not your fault. It's unfortunately really hard to advocate for our boundaries when someone is actively pushing against them. That's why we do it before we are in a vulnerable situation. You did a great job naming what you were comfortable with before you two met up. The expectation is absolutely that people will honor what you've request and I'm sorry you had to experience something so antithetical to care and concern for your needs. He knew you did not want to have sex and did not ask you if you had changed your mind. The only way to know that someone's boundaries have changed is to ask.

It is completely normal to feel nervous talking about your experience out loud. It sounds like you only recently came to the realization that what happened to you was not okay. I wonder if there is someone besides your partner that you could start the conversation with? Not meaning to push you to share out loud yet if you don't want to. Just noticed that friends and family hadn't been suggested yet. Since some of your concern is the fear of his view of you changing, maybe someone you're not intimate with would be a good starting place.

That being said, if you are feeling confused about wanting sexual validation, you don't have to bring up the trauma to work through it with your partner. How would it feel to say, "I don't want to talk about where I think it comes" and to ask to experiment with more verbal affirmations or other aspects of care and attention like acts of service or gifts. It doesn't have to be the new norm for your relationship but could give you some information about what works for you in love and relationships!

[Ray_yay]

Hey!

Sadly, I can't really bring this up to anyone else. I don't have many friends since I changed schools, and the one friend I do have identifies as aro-ace, and sexual topics make them extremely uncomfortable. So I definitely do not want to bring it up to them. And about family.... well... that's complicated. I don't have the best relationship with them. The only people from my family I see frequently are my mom and dad, who are verbally abusive and would not help me in this situation in the slightest. And I don't know the rest of my family too well. All of them have always lived extremely far from where i live, so it was difficult to ever get to know them in the first place.

But your suggestion to bring up my issues with sexual validation to my partner without talking about my trauma sounds good. I could definitely try doing that! Thank you so much for the advice

[KierC]

Hey Ray_yay!

I really appreciate that you’re thinking of the other people in your life and their own boundaries around sex, particularly your friend who is aro-ace. <3 But goodness, I’m so sorry to hear that your parents are verbally abusive. I grew up in a verbally abusive household as well, and I know it makes it so hard to actually receive support when you need it. You don’t deserve that at all, and I’m sorry that it’s like that for you. If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here for you. <3

I think it’s a great idea to see if you can speak with your partner about sexual validation without bringing up the trauma if you don’t want to talk about that. How do you feel about approaching the conversation? Would you like any help talking through what to say?

[Ray_yay]

Hi,

First of all, thank you so much for making me feel less alone. Genuinely, sometimes I feel like everyone else has great relationships with their parents and I'm the only one who got unlucky, so the knowledge that I'm actually not the only one made me feel a bit better.

And second of all- I've had some time to think after I posted to this board. And I feel like I can tell my partner about my trauma. I let it go through my mind a couple of times, and I came to the conclusion that talking about it out loud with someone I love and trust would not be that much of a bad idea, and could help me process what happened properly. However, there is still the problem that I don't know how or when to even bring it up. So yes, I would love your advice on that. What do I say? How do I start the conversation?

[KierC]

Oh, I so hear you on that. When I was growing up, it was really difficult to talk with my friends who had good relationships with their parents… I did feel like such an outsider, especially when talking about family. It is an isolating feeling for sure. But the more people I met as I grew up, and the deeper conversations I had with people, it really helped to realize that it’s not just me! And it’s not just you either. I’m so glad you feel less alone. Truly, if you ever want to talk more about it, I’m one post away. <3

Also, I’m so glad you feel comfortable telling your partner. You know, it can be such a good and surprising feeling to open up to someone you love and trust and just feel the weight lift off your shoulders a bit. You don’t deserve to go through this alone, so I’m really glad you feel like you want to tell them.

There can be a couple different ways to bring up your trauma with a partner. To start, it might help me to hear a little bit about how you two tend to discuss things. Have you spoken to your partner about a difficult or deep topic before? Or, is there a way you two like to talk about things?

Speaking from personal experience, I’ve had conversations with my current partner where I’ve told them about some really difficult things that have happened to me. Sometimes I would find an “in” to talk about it if we were already discussing something deep, then I’d say something like “you know, I realize I never told you this, but it’s important to me that I do/I want to share this with you because I trust you.” But, if it doesn’t come up in a conversation, you could always ask them if there’s a time when you could tell them about some things that have happened in your life that you want to share with them. I’ve even found myself saying “I don’t really know when a good time to bring this up is, but if there’s ever a time when I could share some things that have happened to me, I’d really appreciate the time.” How does that sound to you?

[Ray_yay]

Hi again!

Me and my partner have actually discussed deep topics in the past. I have some milder trauma from other previous relationships + trauma from my parents, and I have told him about most of that, and he always supported me and gave me advice or a shoulder to cry on. I couldn't ever bring myself to tell him about this specific one though, because it's just hard for me to bring up, and I'm also scared of judgement or being blamed for it i think (I know he would never, but still. I am a very anxious person, and my anxiety sometimes gets really stupid and irrational).

The way we usually discuss things is pretty simple. Whenever he sees that something's bothering me (according to him it's always really easy to see that on my face), he asks me what's going on and whether I'd like to talk about it. And then I usually do and end up also telling him about some of my deeper issues and traumas in the process. He's also reallyyyy good at carefully asking me questions that get me to open up more. I swear, this guy would be such a great therapist. He's genuinely so good at it I love him.

And yeah, your advice on what to say sounds good to me!! I'll definitely try that, thank you so much for all the help<3

[Andy]

Ahoj again!:)

I’m so happy and moved to hear your partner is such a good listener and you feel so safe opening up to him. I find these things absolutely crucial in any kind of relationship, and we are all glad you have at least someone in your life who is "on your side" like that. He definitely sounds like a good therapist, but more importantly like a good partner too!

I think it is a good call to actively bring this up instead of just waiting if he notices you want to say something. Not only it gives you more control over the situation and removes the anxiety of "will he notice?", it is also useful in the long-term to get used to bringing up hard topics. Lastly, it also signals your partner that it is okay to do so.
Is there anything else, either regarding this situation or anything else, that we can do for you?

PS: echoing what Kier said about that you are not the only one having a bad relationship with your parents. Not even the only one in this country, I can assure you:) It can feel really lonely and isolating but I have the same experience as Kier, learning over time that it is something much more people experience than you might think. A lot of them just don’t talk about it much, often for the fear of their parents or judgment of others.

[Ray_yay]

Ahoj!!

I feel like I've already gotten answers and advice about everything I needed, thank you <3 I will try my best to build up the courage to talk to him about this during the weekend (I don't wanna bring it up tomorrow, since it's our 10 month anniversary and I want it to be a happy and silly day), and then I'll probably post in this thread again to let y'all know how it went :)

[Andy]

Glad to hear you found what you needed here!

Enjoy the anniversary! And we will be glad for any updates about it.