I feel disgusted about myself

[MilkywayVoyager]

(Long post ahead)

Hi, it's my first time here and I'm really glad I found this place. I've been reading some posts and feel comfortable to talk about it. I've been keeping this to myself since I have no one to talk to, and it's causing me a lot of distress. So, in advance, I apologize about the info dump.

Since last year, I've been trying to stop a "habit" that I had since 2021? If I'm not wrong.

It all started in 2019, when I was talking to a boy I liked and felt the urge to use the bathroom, but decided to hold in because I want to talk to him. Because I squeezed my legs together, I don't know if I was stimulating my G spot or something, but holding it felt nice. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to hold it in time to use the bathroom and caused an accident, which made me feel very embarrassed and I told myself it won't happen again.

Back in 2021, I don't know how, but I started doing it again, I used to push the limit until I ended up dribbling myself a lot of times. I don't find the sensation of pee in my legs or clothes enjoyable (I hope so, I don't want to feel like lying to myself), but it was like I couldn't stop doing, you know? Kinda like I conditioned myself to do it.
I've never touched myself, and before that I used to repress my sexuality because it felt "wrong" to fantasize about those things, so I never explored anything. My family also doesn't talk much about it so I never learned from anyone.

While trying to stop it, I've been quite successful and was feeling better about, until I decided to search about this to learn more and found a bunch of posts indicating that what I had was a "kink" or "fetish".

I don't know if I can actually call it that, I watched porn related content but felt nothing, even when I used to do that I never fantasized about doing it in sex.
I feel really disgusted at myself, I never questioned this habit, never searched about it, almost like it felt natural to me. So, if it felt so natural, it means it might actually be a fetish, right?

I can get turned on by other things and have that common arousing feeling, like warmth in your lower belly and other stuff. I never felt that when I did that or when I watched videos related to that, so it makes really confused.

It's been stressing me so much that I thought about ending it.

I don't want to be disgusting, and also don't want to engage in piss play, or have someone pee in me or anything. I don't know what to do anymore, so I poured all my thoughts into this post.

[Eddie]

Hi, MilkwayVoyager, and welcome to the boards!

I want to start by saying that there is no reason why you should feel disgusted about yourself. I am really sorry that this is the way you feel but I am glad you feel comfortable to start a conversation.

The feeling you are describing is actually very common. A lot of people have an increase on pleasure when they have a full bladder. More like a fetish or a kink, as you mentioned, it's a natural response from the body. When the bladder is full, it gets bigger and presses on other tissues. If you don't have a full bladder, it would be harder to mimic this sensation even if you are watching porn.

I hope this helps you a little bit to ease these ugly feelings you are having about yourself. But I do want to say that even if it was a "kink" or a "fetish" it wouldn't be a bad thing either. We humans, have a rainbow of likes and dislikes and as long we are no causing harm it is absolutely okay to enjoy our sexuality.

[MilkywayVoyager]

Thank you for answering! It comforts me, in a way. This is a topic that has taken up a lot of my mind and time. In the last few months, I've felt like I don't deserve to like the things I like because I'm disgusted with myself.

But I still don't know if I can classify it as a fetish or not, maybe that's what's bothering me. And the fact that I've had these accidents and gotten my clothes dirty. Since fetishes are part of people's sexuality and I've read that there's no way to get rid of them or even forget them. I don't want this to be part of me, I don't identify with it.

I wonder if it could be because I've never been in touch with my sexuality? That's why I mistook the feelings for arousal, when in fact that wasn't it?

[Eddie]

I hear you, and it's totally valid to want clarity—but sometimes, sexuality just doesn’t fit neatly into labels. People are complex, feelings change, the things that make you aroused today might not work in a month, and trying to define everything can actually limit how we understand ourselves and others.

It’s okay to just feel things without needing to put a name on every experience or attraction. As I mentioned before, what you are describing sounds like a physical reaction, like sneezing. Smelling a flower and then sneezing doesn't mean I like flowers or not.

One thing that is important to mention is that, even though there is nothing wrong with it, holding you pee is not the safest thing to do to your body because it could increases the chances of UTI's.

What matters the most here is how this is making you feel and how can you manage these feelings. You mentioned that you soiled your clothes. Are you in a public place or at home when this happens?

[MilkywayVoyager]

Yes, it only happened at home and never in public places. Whenever it happened, I would get up and clean it as quickly as possible. Luckily, I never developed a UTI, I just felt these uncomfortable sensations. Nowadays, I don't feel like engaging with it, but it's still difficult to move on. I'm scared it might come back again? I don't know.

[Latha]

Hi there, MilkywayVoyager

This isn’t something you have to be afraid of, because there is nothing wrong with it. Lots of people experience pleasure when their bladder is full or when they urinate, because the parts of our body that deal with urination are located very close to the clitoris and vagina. This works the other way as well - as an example, stimulation inside the vagina can make people feel like they have to pee. This reaction isn’t something that is bad about you, it is just an interesting quirk of the way bodies work. If it helps, you don’t have to think of this as a sexual activity just because it feels pleasurable, and you don’t have to engage with it if you don’t want to. It can just be a thing your body does that feels good sometimes.

I'm scared it might come back again?

If it comes back, you might have to change your clothes. It doesn’t have to matter any more than that.

Having a fetish isn’t something to be ashamed about. It is just one of the myriad ways people experience their sexualities. That said, I wouldn’t describe what you’re feeling as a fetish. A fetish is an object must be present in order for a person to experience sexual desire. You’ve mentioned being able to experience arousal in other situations, so that doesn’t fit the definition.

[Heather]

Just to be clear and to back up Latha, fetishes are actually very clearly clinically defined, and behaviors aren’t fetishes. A fetish is an *object* that someone *needs* to experience arousal or sexual satisfaction.

This simply sounds like something that feels good for you to do, like something you enjoy doing, separate from your discomfort with it.

[MilkywayVoyager]

Thank you for answering, it has helped a lot. After venting, I feel much lighter. This habit seemed to me more like something that I unfortunately conditioned myself to do. After researching more about it, I discovered that the sensations I felt are normal when we have a full bladder, such as our heart racing or feeling chills.
I just know that when the accidents happened, I felt bad, but it was as if it was the only way I knew how to have arousal.

I haven't felt like doing this for a while now, and today, after talking about it here, I feel better.

[Andy]

Hi there MilkywayVoyager,

I’m so glad to hear that talking here and doing other research has helped you feel better about this!

If other thoughts or questions about this or anything pop up for you, you are welcome to circle back or create a new thread.

And if you ever want to explore what brings you pleasure apart from this, this article can be a good start: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

[MilkywayVoyager]

I have one last question: If when I did this, I used to fantasize about things, can this be considered a fetish or kink, or it's still only a habit? If I didn't felt real arousal during those times, could it count as such?

And if I don't feel like doing this now, what does it means? Am I running away from my feelings or finally discovering my sexuality for real?

[Jacob]

To re-iterate the above, a kink or a fetish is almost certainly not a helpful way to think about your sexuality, regardless of the content of your fantasies or what you enjoy doing...it's especially unhelpful in the case that you have any anxiety around those things.

Taking it back to definitions: kink is the word for a bend or a twist in a straight line - Some people may like to think that there is such a thing as normal/straight sexuality. They might take comfort that their sexuality mostly fits this normal/straight sexuality. Some of those people are extremely critical of anyone whose twists and turns don't fit the mold (which they have created), denying that they themselves have any of those variations and some people might take immense pleasure in the ways that they do not fit that straight mold (which they have created) - but in both cases, the "normal/straight" thing is completely made up, not real, and so is forever inconsistent, heavily biased and pretty much useless - even if those people spend a lot of time in online kink spaces trying to define how kinky they are and what the rules and regulations are which they are breaking.

Think of it like this:

You have a box of chocolates, you eat a chocolate and enjoy it, and then you ask us if you eating the chocolate was a guilty pleasure.

We'll say "No!", because eating chocolate isn't something which anyone should feel guilty for.

But if you want it to feel like a guilty pleasure, we can't stop you, and if part of your enjoyment is role-playing that eating chocolate is bad so you can get that enjoyment, then also, that's fine, but when you ask us what's real we'll have to say "None of it. Chocolate isn't bad. Most people enjoy eating chocolate, with or without the role-play"

So it's not that your proclivities (a word I do love) aren't enough for someone to consider them a kink or fetish rendering them "only" a habit, it's that those terms are a bad way to describe any variation or amount of arousal or enjoyment from your sexual experiences or fantasies.

Do you think in asking these questions you're trying to work out what's "normal" and whether you fit into that or not?

Because with that question really you're never going to get a satisfying answer because there is no "normal" - all of these things are part of the vast and varying world of human sexuality which we are all a part of.

[Heather]

I also just want to add that squeezing your legs together because it feels good is likely something no more complicated than squeezing your legs together because it feels good, just like, say, rubbing your arm because it itches and that helps is no more than that.

I personally think you are waaaaaaaay overthinking this. Squeezing your legs together created some stimulation to your genitals, and the fact that it also caused some urine dribbling doesn't make it any more complicated or deep, it is just a side effect of that sometimes. Things like squeezing legs together or humping something or touching the genitals with one's hands are all very common things people do because they feel good. I really don't think this is any more than that, but I think somehow you got it in your head that it is.

[MilkywayVoyager]

Even thought it happened a lot of times when I used to hold in for a long time?

[Heather]

Yes. That doesn't change that this is just something you did with your body that felt good.

Can I ask: why do you think this feels like something that deserves this much attention and worry? Is it because it has something to do with urine, and you think because urine is involved, that makes is weird or gross? Is sounds to me like it is, and if that's the case, do you think you might be able to accept that urine is just another body fluid, and that when we're doing things that put organs that effect the bladder into play, it's just going to show up sometimes?

I also wonder if it might help for you to take a second to think about people who ARE into urine from a sexual standpoint and recognize that there is not anything disgusting, weird or gross about those people. They just like something that makes you feel uncomfortable, and probably because you were conditioned to think urine is gross and maybe also that sex is gross, even though both of those ideas are only that, ideas, and ideas mostly based in ignorance about human sexuality, not based in anything that is actually beneficial for people.

[MilkywayVoyager]

It does really makes me see these people in a different light. I guess I just don't understand what true pleasure is. I can't define whether what I felt was true or not. I want to be sure if I'm into "Omorashi", and if I didn't, why did I do it for so long? It confuses me.

Again, thank you for being patient and enlightening me.

[Heather]

I don't feel like you've asked anything of my patience, truly. I'm happy to try and work this out with you.

I'm not sure what you mean by "true" pleasure. Can you say more about that?

I will say that it sounds to me like where you were experiencing pleasure, in that first post way up top, sounds like it was from having the kind of pressure a full bladder can put on the surrounding organs, probably particularly the internal clitoris and vagina. It sounds like the urine leaking was a side effect more than the part that actually felt good. If anything, it sounds to me like that part has made you feel uncomfortable, physically and emotionally.

Does that sound right?

[MilkywayVoyager]

Yes. By "true" I mean in the same way other people feel it, the feeling you expect when you feel aroused.
I'm having a hard time understanding or accepting this. I kind of know that pee makes me uncomfortable, but I keep doubting and feeling disgusted about myself. Does this lead to the habit of every time I go to the bathroom, I try to "recreate" that feeling to prove that I don't like it? I don't know if it has to do with my OCD or if I'm just in denial.

[Heather]

This is the first time you've mentioned that you have OCD! I'm glad you did, because by all means, this is sounding a whole lot like the kind of intrusive/obsessive thought that happens with OCD where you just can't let something go that is really distressing to you.

I don't see what you would be in denial of, but I absolutely can see how your OCD isn't playing nice with this.

[MilkywayVoyager]

Yeah, I know. What conclusion can I make out of all this?

[Heather]

Were it me, the conclusion I'd probably make is that I was having intrusive thoughts due to OCD and if I were seeing a mental healthcare provider for my OCD, I'd talk with them about this.

If you don't have a provider, or you do, but you don't feel comfortable talking with them about this, then I'd suggest to manage this how you do other kinds of intrusive thoughts: do you have anything you do that helps with other kinds of intrusive thought or other obsessive focus with your OCD?

[MilkywayVoyager]

Usually, I try to move on the best I can, even when the thoughts keep creeping in my head. So, I don't have a fetish?

[Heather]

Circling back to discussion we've already had isn't going to be a good use of either of our time or energy. But like I told you, a fetish is something very specifically defined as an object a person needs in order to be sexually aroused. No matter how you feel about any of this, nothing you have said meets that definition. That your brain won't hold on to that information and is fighting to hold on to thoughts that upset you also show us why it isn't. Anxiety/OCD just doesn't tend to respond to facts, it responds more to feelings and behaviours.

So, "moving on" isn't actually a strategy or a tool to cope with intrusive thoughts. That's an end goal. But to get there, you will probably have to do more than just wait it out, especially if you want to be able to focus on anything else in the meantime. Sounds like you haven't yet had any therapy for your OCD or developed any tools for managing it? Is this something you have had diagnosed, and if so, were you referred to any mental health services?

If you like, I can also pull together some links for you with some information on ways to manage these kinds of thoughts and some general resources for folks struggling with anxiety, if you like?

[MilkywayVoyager]

Yeah, thank you. That would help a lot. I searched a lot about it some years back, and came to the conclusion that I have OCD. I've always had those kinda of obssessive thoughts, for a really long time, ever since I was a kid. I'm hesitant to talk to my parents about it because I feel like they wouldn't understand and I also don't what to use medication, because I don't want to grow dependent on it.

[Heather]

So, medication may or may not even be offered to you, but if it was, it would be your choice to try it or not. The kinds of medications that are offered for anxiety disorders don't tend to be the kind where chemical dependency is a risk, so if a mental healthcare provider suggested them to you, I would suggest you consider them with an open mind, but they are not your only option, not by a long shot. There are a couple kinds of common and effective therapies that often help people with OCD and they do not involve medication.

Might you be open to looking into at least a therapy appointment for an actual diagnosis? We really can't diagnose ourselves, and anxiety disorders in particular are pretty complicated to diagnose sometimes. Do your parents need to be involved? If so, can you say what you risk in asking them to help you get an appointment? I'd be happy to help you come up with a way to ask them about this that might land even if they don't understand, if you like.

If none of this feels doable to you just yet, you could certainly start with some helps for OCD available without a therapist and see how that goes. Self-help or help through an app might make some difference for you, enough to give you some relief, and it also might help you get a sense of how helped you might be if you got some qualified help down the road.

Here is a page of resources for folks with anxiety: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... -resources I would particularly suggest downloading and looking at the headspace app if your phone has the capacity -- https://www.headspace.com/ -- I think walking yourself through this page on there -- https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-an ... help-guide -- would also be a good tool for you. This self-help page is another good one: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-sup ... e-for-ocd/

Here's one more: https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/def ... _hmocd.pdf

I have some books I can suggest: do you have library or bookstore access? I can't speak for how many of them will be available to you in Brazil, but I could make a list and you could try. Libraries and bookstores usually can always order things they don't have on hand.

[MilkywayVoyager]

Thank you for clarifying my doubts. I'm afraid to talk about my personal problems with my parents because they don't understand. One time, last year, I opened up to them and said that I MAY have symptoms of depression. And they got pissed, fought with me, saying that I wasn't crazy and said a lot of hurtful things to me. That's why I don't feel like talking to them.
Another thing I want to confirm, for the last time (seriously): About the possible "fetish", it was actually more like a compulsive habit, right? Something I attributed to a strong emotion, like liking someone. And then, I confused it with arousal. That's what I did when I was talking to the boy I liked in 2019, right? That's why I kept doing it, when my bladder was full. I didn't fill it on purpose.