Finding out I have a small penis.

[TopDawg]

Through a series of events that recently transpired I found out I have a below average penis. According to some research and the recources on this site as well as my lived experience; my erect penis is about the same size if not slightly smaller then the average flaccid penis, and my flaccid size is obviously smaller then that. This was very hard to learn and ive had to deal with a lot of mental challenges. Im doing my best to remain positive and try to find some silver linings and I guess what im wondering is if there are any other people who have dealt with something similiar and could offer some advice or just their own perspective.

[Sofi]

Hi TopDawg, welcome to the boards.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling mentally with this. I understand it can be hard to compare your body to other people's - our society does a great job of making it seem like there are "better" body types than others, and there are messages everywhere telling us to feel ashamed of ours if it isn't this ideal standard they've chosen. At your age, that can be particularly hard to ignore, so I understand why you're feeling like this.

However, all of that doesn't actually translate to real life for most of us (thankfully!). Most people, especially once adults, don't care much or at all about things like penis size. We care that our partner shares the same values as us, treats us with respect, etc - and sure, physical attractiveness is a factor, but people are attracted to all ranges of body types and that includes penis sizes. So ultimately, even if your penis is smaller than the average, someone who likes YOU won't care about that (they might even prefer it!).

Also - your penis is just another body part. Of course, it has specific functions that, say, your arm doesn't. But at the end of the day, it isn't going to really make a big difference in your life - including your sex life. There is so much more to sex than what we're often taught as teenagers, and much of it doesn't involve a penis (and the parts that do, work pretty much the same no matter the size of said penis). So, my question to you is, what specifically are you worried about? Is it simply having a penis smaller than average, or is there more to it?

[TopDawg]

I think i've been semi-aware of my smaller size for a long time but I have only recently had any negative experiences due to my size. I recently had my first sexual experience in which me and a girl were doing some handstuff after having knowing each other for about 2 weeks. We had really connected but once she saw my penis she seemed surprised, and I knew I wasn't her first experience. She had put her hair in a ponytail before hand and it appeared she was planning to give me a blowjob but instead she gave me a handjob and it felt liek it was a reluctant one at that. She didnt even use her whole hand just three fingers and her thumb. Since that night she has ghosted me without warning or giving a reason. I know that this does not nescasairly mean it was due to the size of my penis but due to her reaction, paired with the fact she has been with at least two men previous, and the fact she ghosted the day after seeing my penis for the first time, I beleive size or lack there off played a role.

My second negative experience came the very next day when I had gone out to purchase condoms for the first time. I bought standard condoms (durex I beleive), and went home to try them out. They did not fit at all they were loose and baggy and came off very easily. So I went back and bought the only snug fit option available at the store and took them home to try out, while they fit slightly better the fit was still loose and the ring on the condom would wove aroudn and did not fit tightly at all. not being able to fill out snug fit condoms after being under the impression I was average was so embarassing. I have not been able to find condoms that are any smaller and I do not know how to figure out what brand or size I should even be looking for. I am aware of internal condoms but I feel like there is a stigma around them and it would be easier to find external condoms that actually fit.

Overall I have just been dealing with general embarassment and shame over the last few weeks due to my small size. I know penis size is not the end all or be all when it comes to sex but I do worry that I will and have experienced barriers I would not have if I was even just a few inches bigger. I don't hate myself, I don't define my worth by my size, im mostly just annoyed and dissapointed.

[mikky]

Hey TopDawg,

Being annoyed and disappointed makes sense, and I don’t think you need to squash down those feelings! It is unfortunate that in many cultures, the size of a body part (which we have no control over) can be so stigmatized. I won’t lie and pretend nobody will ever have a negative or judgmental reaction- I think you know that yourself. Which is why really upping skills like communication could be really helpful.

When I read about the experience you had with a girl, I wonder how some more communication in the moment could have been useful for you both. I know that in practice we usually use a lot of different signals and cues from sexual partners to try and know what they are thinking, but these can be pretty unreliable. Her putting her hair up in a ponytail doesn’t mean a blow job. Here’s a classic Scarleteen article on communicating: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. What do you think might have gone differently with this girl if you two had spoken more about what you expected from both sex and from each other moving forward?

As for finding a condom that works for you, the options at your local drugstore might be limited, but in this age, you likely have some access to buying things online.

Durex has a page that might be helpful here- they explain how to measure and interpret sizing on the box, and have a chart which shows how different brands size their condoms.

And then, this online condom store has an extensive size chart, and explains why you should look for condoms that best fit circumference rather than length.