Should I step back into the closet?

[suprmanskivvies]

My boyfriend comes from a conservative family but wants to be more progressive and opening unlike his family. He desires to dress feminine, *look feminine*, and also laser his freaking body hair off! But all the while he still identifies as a straight cis male. I, on the other hand, am a transman who desires to medically transition... but when I bring that up my boyfriend really opposes. I really don't want to break up with him because he's amazing but I also just really want to have a penis and in general simply be a man... I hate having a vagina and being identified as female but he misunderstands it as a lack of self love. How do I even talk to him? How do I compromise? He said he would break up with me because he isn't gay which I understand, but still. Should I just step back into the closet and cosplay as a cis woman for the rest of our relationship?

Think I should add that he first knew me before my egg cracked and we've been dating for 2 years.

[mikky]

Hi suprmanskivvies, and welcome to the boards. Glad to have you here!

I want to first offer a question for you to consider: what do you value in a relationship?

I am curious about what it has been like to experience other changes with your boyfriend in the last few years, and how he responds to situations that call his own identities and beliefs into question. How long have you been having conversations about being trans with him?

I think this deal you’ve been offered- stay with him and be in the closet, or seek transition and break up, is a downright shitty one. It doesn’t actually give you much power or agency here. What would you want out of your relationship with him, if he were more open to dating you while you sought gender affirming care?

[suprmanskivvies]

Hi suprmanskivvies, and welcome to the boards. Glad to have you here!

I want to first offer a question for you to consider: what do you value in a relationship?

I am curious about what it has been like to experience other changes with your boyfriend in the last few years, and how he responds to situations that call his own identities and beliefs into question. How long have you been having conversations about being trans with him?

I think this deal you’ve been offered- stay with him and be in the closet, or seek transition and break up, is a downright shitty one. It doesn’t actually give you much power or agency here. What would you want out of your relationship with him, if he were more open to dating you while you sought gender affirming care?

I actually came out this year. I can't exactly remember when. But what I value in a relationship is that my significant other should be able to voice criticism but also possess open mindedness to learn why I want to transition... no matter how I try to explain it unfortunately I'm not really skilled in explaining things in general. Even as I explained to him that I had never ever liked having a vagina growing up he still believes it has to do with body dysphoria rather than gender dysphoria (if you know the difference, yep.) If he were more open to dating me as I medically transition into my true self, I think we would compromise various ways to be intimate that would satisfy both of us. He stated that he isn't gay but he also denied being straight... it has me wondering if he's questioning and in denial because after all he lives and grew up with a really shitty close-minded conservative family! I was never against his personal choices he wanted to do with his body at all because that's his own body. But I guess it's different when it comes to me. When I first came out he was strongly against it because he fell in love with my femininity I presented at the time. hah.

[mikky]

Thanks for sharing more.
I have some more questions for you, and some thoughts to share.
First, you say when you first came out he was strongly against you being trans. Has that changed a bit, and if so, how?

Second, and this is huge, how does your boyfriend think about trans people, in general? Do you think he is not understanding your gender identity, specifically, or transness?

It is ok to want to figure things out with your boyfriend, but it sounds like there might be some incompatibility long-term in this relationship. I can see how there might be some hope when noticing these glimmers of queerness in him, but frankly, it doesn’t seem like he’s as ready to explore that as you are. Taking him at his word, he isn’t interested in being with a man. And that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s repressed or wrong or in denial, or, that he isn't.

It is okay to want to prioritize yourself and the relationship you have to your own gender, rather than write off something SO huge and important because of how the person you are dating feels about it

We want the people we are dating to celebrate our identities, not just tolerate them, and especially not ask us to put away huge aspects of ourselves. Since you are 16 in Texas, I am assuming you don’t have immediate easy access to gender affirming care, which all the more means having supportive people around is so vital.

[suprmanskivvies]

A few months after I came out, he's gotten a little more open but was under the misunderstanding that I lack self confidence (only thing I can consider myself to be insecure about is the lack of facial hair and... well you know...) You're definately right about that as much as I really want to make things work. And yeah, as a trans teen in Texas I'm undoubtly screwed here. However I'm applying to blue state colleges just so I can not only get out of this state but also (hopefully) medically transition, change my legal name and sex, etc. and he will be enlisting in the military or tagging along. No one can exactly predict what's gonna happen between us though, I know that. When I asked him what he thought of trans people he said he had nothing against them. What I understand from this is that he isn't interested in dating me because I'm a man and that I desire to have parts that men have, and in his mind, I would be a man and he would be making out with a man while he's not interested in men. Basically, he will support my identity but only if we break up and that sucks.... I think this helped me a lot. If we do break up, I'll have to learn how to deal with it ofc..

[Latha]

Hi there, Suprmanskivvies

I'm sorry that this has shaped up to become a conflict between your happiness in being true to yourself, and staying in your relationship as it is now. That really does suck. I want to share our resource on break ups, in case it might help you get a sense of a way forward: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

We're here if you have any more questions, or if you want to talk about how you're feeling.