Scarleteen

Hello, I’m sorry if this is really really sensitive but my post will contain things like incest. I’m not exactly sure if here is the right pace to rant about this.

Basically I had a dream about incest where my parents were doing something sexual to me. I don’t know how to feel about all of this and I really hate that this dream occurred. I also felt kind of weird doing that in my dream if that counts for anything and I had a sexual experience that was good that was similar to what happened in my dream.

I also never had the best relationship with my parents. They often yelled at me for small things and in the context of identity they restricted a lot of items I wanted to wear because they believed it was too sexual (even when it was something like leggings and we live in a liberal area.) One of my parents kissed me on my neck a lot which made me uncomfortable and now my neck feels desensitized to anyone touching it and I don’t think about sexual acts that involve my neck. They used to small things like they over time, but they stopped doing most of it a few years ago so I don’t know why I’m having thoughts like this right now.

I think all they do right now and they’ll probably never stop but they usually rely on me doing things, my approval, my willingness to share everything even when I want to keep parts of myself private. They tend to get quite dramatic when I want to do something with other people, saying why can’t I hang out with them instead. They also hate it when I want to have a significant other. I’m not sure if this is right but I think they’re jealous because they keep saying “ how do you think I feel?”

A lot of the times, the things they do and say to control what I wear and who I hang out with feels really weird and makes me very uncomfortable.

Another example I just thought of is when one of my parents took me to the dentist, who kept talking about dating and if I had a significant other, which is really common in my culture, but my parent asked me why as if I knew and thought I was doing something behind their back instead. On the ride home, they kept touching my thigh, which made me feel super weird but I don’t know if that’s normal.

Even in my dream the parent that was in it was emotionally distressed and I had to take care of their feelings, which was fine but the way they wanted it handled in my dreams was really weird. The way they treated me was also really weird and I didn’t like it.

I just feel so conflicted because I felt like I do like the sexual act that they did and I think it’s because I’ve done something similar recently but I hate to that it had to be them.

I know scarleteen doesn’t do family relationships but I want to know how does this affect my sexuality in general and please give me some advice. I honestly just want an explanation for everyhting and some comfort about my situation even though I know only I’ll know what my feelings and thoughts really mean but having some guidance would really help.

I also don’t have access to a therapist. I tried online therapy and they seem unable to help at all. I don’t have enough money to pay for sessions and I can’t go out in public because my parents forbade it.

Hi there, gnarp_gnarp_2.

I’m sorry you have experienced that dream, it sound like it brought on lots of crummy feelings for you. As I personally see it, dreams don’t have to necessarily have any, hidden or not, meaning. They are not reflections of what we, or other people, want, enjoy or do, they are just images from the day our sleeping brain randomly puts over each other and merges into a sometimes funny, sometimes scary and often weird experience. If I for example have a really good ice cream one day but also watch a video of someone repairing a car, I might have a dream about ice cream full of car parts, even though that is not something I had or would want in reality. Does that make sense?

But I can absolutely see how the dream would be all the more upsetting for you, given it sounds like your parents don't have the kinds of boundaries with you that you would prefer, and I’m sorry to hear that. Do you think it would be possible to productively talk about it with them? We can definitely help you brainstorm ways how to bring it up and how to enforce your own boundaries going forward.

Hello,
Thank you for replying to my message. I was afraid that it wasn’t a suitable topic to talk about but I’m glad someone got back to me.

It’s reassuring to hear that seems don’t necessarily have any meaning and I think I would like to talk about how to set boundaries with my parents.

I dont know if you guys can answer this but, where the things my parents did normal? I feel like most people didn’t have to go through that.

Hello, Gnarp_gnarp_2!

I'm glad Andy's reply was reassuring! Don't worry, even if we can't help with something, we won't be mad that you asked. Neither will we leave you without a response--in these situations, we usually do our best to provide referrals to places that can help.

It isn't always easy to answer the question of what is normal, but I can definitively say that the things your parents have done are not acceptable. It is not okay that they've yelled at you for small things and restricted what you wear. It isn't okay for them to expect you to share everything--everyone deserves privacy. It is not okay to make you feel like you can't spend time with other people without hurting them. "How do you think I feel?" is not a reasonable response to your child talking about wanting a partner. If your parents are having feelings about you growing up, they have to try to deal with them without making that your problem.

It absolutely isn't okay that they've made it this difficult for you to communicate your limits and needs to them. We can definitely talk about how you might set boundaries, but I don't want you to take all the responsibility here--if it has gotten to this point, it sounds like your parents have not been listening enough.

I'd like to get a better sense of your situation: what things are like at home, how your parents usually react when you try to set a limit (explicitly or implicitly), and what has worked for you in the past. Some questions:

• If you are comfortable, could you tell us a bit about your parents forbidding you from going out in public? Do you go to school? Do they make it more difficult for you to go to other places?

• If your parents were touching you in a way you don't like, how would they respond if you moved away physically, or asked them directly to stop?

Hey Latha,

Thank you for replying. Basically, they don’t let me go out anywhere with anyone or alone. It’s mainly because they don’t want me in danger which I understand but that also restricts where I’m able to go. I’m usually only allowed to show up to a place that has something to do with my career and I’m expected to go straight home afterwards.

Usually when I ask them to stop touching me in a certain way they usually stop. But I when I move away and show physically that I don’t like something they usually don’t take the hint. Sometimes I feel guilty because I want to be seen as their little child but I know a part of me isn’t like that anymore because I’m older. So sometimes, especially when I was younger, I wouldn’t say anything but now I’m a little more vocal about it.

I don’t think this is relevant but I noticed for things I say that they think are insignificant, they tend to ignore them. Like I always hated being on FaceTime and my parents would always pan the camera into my face when I didn’t expected it. I’ve told them many many times to stop but they never do and still won’t. This was partially just me ranting so I apologize.

Hi, Gnarp_gnarp_2!

Nono, you don't need to apologize--we don't mind rants, and I think this is relevant. The video calls are a place where you've had difficulties setting boundaries with your parents. It seems like a straightforward example of a broader pattern where they don't seem to be listening to you, and so it is something you could bring up in the conversation we're brainstorming.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I want to be seen as their little child but I know a part of me isn’t like that anymore because I’m older.

In a different kind of relationship, you would be able to seek their care as their child, and develop and maintain a sense of independence as you grow. Right now, the care you're getting is just out of step with your needs--the needs themselves are not contradictory.

As I see it, some possible goals for a conversation with your parents include them accepting that you may have relationships, giving you more freedom to go out, and for them to respect that you don't want to be on FaceTime. Do you have any other concerns? Do any of these topics seem more important to you, or easier to bring up?

sometimes, especially when I was younger, I wouldn’t say anything but now I’m a little more vocal about it.

It isn't easy to advocate for yourself when your needs are dismissed, or when expressing them seems to hurt other people. I think you should be proud of yourself.