Scarleteen

Why is being queer hard?

This is kind of just a really short rant.

Hi Gnarp_gnarp_2!

Rants are welcome! And I'm sorry it feels hard. I know, it really can be like that.

If you would like, this is a space where you can share what is on your mind. <3

I just wish things were cut and clear when it comes to sexuality. I don’t understand why it has to be so difficult to understand your own feelings regarding sexuality.

I don’t really understand why I felt certain ways about one gender and not the other at one age and completely differently now that I’m older. Even though I know that it’s because people change I’m just really off put by how quickly I’ve changed.

I don’t really understand why my sex life can’t be simple and uncomplicated like a lot of other people’s where they don’t have to question themselves so often.

I want my desires to be clear cut and I want to know exactly what my feelings mean. And I don’t want all of this to cause me anxiety either.

Ever since I got really ill for about a year my already low confidence drastically dropped and I feel like I can’t do anything without questioning if I will be fine or getting anxiety over it. And this affects all parts of my life unfortunately.

I also like I’m chasing who I used to be sexually at least and I know I’ve changed. Even though I didn’t realize how much I can really clearly tell I’m very different from who I was 3 years ago when I was super optimistic and not afraid of anything.

I know I’ve been using this platform a lot and I know a lot of my issues came from having anxiety from my illness in the first place. I guess from then to now I’ve gotten less anxious for sure but it definitely needs some work. I don’t know what advice you could give to my rant but honestly I’m just glad there’s always a response and also that Scarleteen is a real website with people that have done training about how to answer these types of concerns unlike random people on Reddit.

Hey gnarp_gnarp,

Gosh, I can tell this uncertainty is really weighing you down, and that seems really tough.

You say that you want your "desires to be clear cut and I want to know exactly what my feelings mean.” I can understand that want, and it might be hard to remember this, but that isn’t something that is actually possible. Our feelings don’t have exact/specific meanings.

Not being queer doesn’t mean having a very clear-cut, no questions, sexuality either. If it did, we wouldn’t have the gift of soooo many movies and books about straight women angsting over questions like “is he right for me or wrong for me??? Is this love or… lust???”

Certainty isn’t something any of us actually get to have, but a lot of folks have brains that just let them roll with it a little better.
You mention:

Ever since I got really ill for about a year my already low confidence drastically dropped and I feel like I can’t do anything without questioning if I will be fine or getting anxiety over it. And this affects all parts of my life unfortunately.

Making this connection seems really valuable, that this discomfort with shifting or fluid sexuality is tied to the instability of health/anxiety. And having that low confidence certainly is not conducive to just “rolling” with whatever happens. People like me (and I think you too) want to know as much as possible about what we feel and what it means and what could happen. Do you want to tell us more about what that experience was like for you?

What, realistically, is the worst thing that could happen from not totally knowing what your feelings/desires are or mean?

What are some things that you think could help you build confidence in yourself?

I know I mentioned this before and I’m sorry for repeating myself but I’m just afraid I’ll be wrong and I’ll have to end my relationship because I end up realizing I don’t like my partner or something. I know I’ve mentioned before that I am iffy about being in a relationship with a man but I’m iffy about serious relationships as a whole. There could be a day where I’m in a long term relationship with a man and break up because realize I don’t like men or it could be with a woman and we break up because realize I don’t like women or literally any other gender. And just because I’m more focused on relationships with men it doesn’t mean in the future I can’t question relationships with women as well or all of it as a whole.

I think that I’m really paranoid about things being right or wrong. For example I when I’m taking an exam because I’m still in school I tend to finish it and redo the exam to double check the answers because I just know I made a mistake. I treat my feelings similarly because I can’t help questioning myself every time I get new information sexuality from sources that are honestly not that reliable and read stories about people on Reddit which aren’t my own experiences and Reddit isn’t reliable either. That’s kinda why I wanted to post my thoughts about this on here.

Lastly I don’t know what I can do for my confidence honestly.

There are sooooo many reasons that we could end up in a relationship that we do not want to be! Not to mention that there are sooooo many reasons we can change our minds about the relationship that we are in. It is hard to accept the impermanence of our feelings but, little reminder that there is no way to guarantee our feelings will last forever! And I agree, that can be extremely frustrating, especially when it's related to identity and community. In the case of relationships, is your concern about being right or wrong more related to the impact it has on other people or more related to your understanding of yourself?

I think its a bit of both

Hi there gnarp_gnarp_2!

I hear your concern about being 'wrong' about a relationship. The truth is almost all of us who put ourselves out there do so knowing that being 'wrong' about a forever commitment is a likely turn out. I like to think about the goal of relationships as gaining insight about ourselves and our dynamics with others, rather than say marriage. Trust me, breakups still suck, but being able to ask and answer questions like the following make it more of a successful learning opportunity:
What did I like about this partner?
Did I like how I treated the partner?
Is this a helpful reframing that makes being 'wrong' about a person seem even the tiniest bit less daunting?

I feel slightly better but I just wish there was a better way to know. I I know people have a lot of their own thoughts And feelings ands side people realize things quicker than others but I just don’t want to hurt anyone including myself

Hey gnarp_gnarp_2!

I'm sorry this is feeling confusing for you.

Unfortunately, being in relationships (whether they are romantic or platonic) comes with the risk of hurting other people and also someone hurting us. It is impossible to exist in community with each other without any conflict. What matters is how you handle any conflict or hurt feelings when they come up.

It isn't wrong to change your mind about a relationship and end it. Whether it last two weeks or two years. In fact, I would argue it's way more hurtful to stay in a relationship where you aren't into that person anymore and never tell them. In my opinion it is much kinder to be honest, even if it's sad for a little bit at first.

I think in our heteronormative society there is a lot of pressure to find your "soulmate", get married, and stay together romantically forever. Any deviation from this is considered a failure. Even when people breakup amicably, it's still considered a failed relationship.

Personally, I think this sucks and is super unrealistic. Because, as you've noticed, people change! We grow and learn things about ourselves as we get older and sometimes these things affect our desires and needs.

Is the pressure to stay in long-term relationships something that weighs on your mind too?

Yeah. Though honestly I don’t feel ready for a long term relationship right now

That is quite alright for the time being, gnarp_gnarp. How can we best support you with this? Have you checked out any of our website articles related to being queer?

I have. I think I’m just worried whenever my preferences change. I’m not exactly sure what I need to feel less anxiety but I can tell it’s getting better and better. I’m really thankful for being able to vent my feelings on here

I've been thinking about how you and some other folks on the boards have been communicating this deep discomfort with the idea that sexuality can shift. I was talking to my friend who recently had a shift where they did not enjoy [anonymous pop billionaires] newest album, after being a fan for 17 years. So, preferences changed, and circumstances changed, and suddenly this part of their identity has shifted. And for them it seemed to be a bit of a relief, to get to know more about their tastes and preferences outside of [anonymous pop billionaire].
So many parts of us are bound to shift, and I know it is very uncomfortable to know that, but it is truly a part of life. We can invest a lot of ourselves into things that don't work out, love things so much that later we find unappealing, and come across wonderful new ideas and people. The uncertainty and anxiety is a hefty price to pay, but, the more we embrace the nature of change, the less threatening it can seem.