Can I help other victims? - I am confused with a situation.

[AlloAroQueer]

So, I will say that i entered a "NSFW" private server when I was 17. Now I know that was a BAD idea, even if I used to think it was okay because I was close to being 18. I was wrong, didn't knew why it was a bad idea beyond the laws, and I ended leaving before turning 18.

That would be as simple as, "I risked myself to abuse and also risked a ton of adults to doing something illegal without knowing", deal with the fact I can't erase the past, and maybe make sure none of my others friends make a mistake like that. That would be it. In the best scenario!

This wasn't. Basically, in the first place, i got in the server because they didn't had any kind of age verification, that is risky, and should have worried the adults there, but well, no one commented on that. Want to know why? Because there were another 6 minors in that server. Of like, 12 people.

That is bad, REAL BAD, but the way I discovered this another 5 minors was, creator (21) had invited a 16 years old minor to the server. Knowingly. Because they were DATING THIS PERSON. At the time the fact that they were dating flew over my mind, yk, worried more about the fact that they broke their own 18+ rule, still not understading why it was bad but knowing that breaking your own rules was not good.

So then the server got like, in a lockdown, by the creator, a group of members made a dm group... and i decided to admit I was 17. In that dm group other 4 people also told me they were 17, or 16. Okay, I got all my guts to tell the leader I was also a minor, and... Their. Reaction was like.

They made a poll, asking if. they could lower the server age limit to 16+. Asked the minors to not vote. I can say that the 4 minors voted "Yes". It didn't matter nonetheless because the other, 3 people who were also adults, voted yes too. Only i and 1 person more voted for No.

And after that the server, keep going? As normal, but, yk, i struggled to fully trust the leader, I knew something was wrong but i was confused and lost. And then i slowly talked with the leader. Got somewhat close, roleplaying sfw stuff. Fortunally a sparkle of sense came to me as I thought more about, this guy is 21 dating a 16. I asked them why, they replied because they met them when,, they both were younger? got attached and ended in a romantic and sexual relationship. They also said that they were trying to teach their partner to not be so trustful of other adults because not everyone was like him. I, think this is bad. This is a thing i'm still confused but I think it is bad. Knowing that I decided to leave the server.

And that would be it, but. I know the other minors are still there, I still have contact with one of them, Idk if they have left by now, but i am worried, I also feel i should have done more, or, well, just reached out and tried to speak with the 16 years old who was dating the guy, because i remember talking and, the leader replied that, to fix,, the power imbalance i was,, pointing at, the minor said they were going to try to work? ???? ? ?¿¿??¿¿?¿? to fix it?????

I am confused. Like, I'm still not sure about if I was thinking too much in white and black, I am? If i am not and this really was a thing everyone should get away from, should i, try to speak at least to the guy i knew? I have always thought of contacting the guy who was dating the 21's years old dude, but I don't know them personally, I'm not even sure they will hear me. I just need advice, and clarification.

[char]

Hi AlloAroQueer,

I think it's completely fair that you are worried about the 16-year-old, especially since you've heard from the 21-year-old that they are telling their partner to be careful of other adults. While their message isn't inherently wrong, this can be a sign of isolation done by someone who is grooming another person. It's good that you are aware of the age difference and the power imbalance it has.

If you'd like to express your concerns to the 16-year-old, I think it's best to do it gradually and provide emotional support along the way; straight up telling them that their partner might be a groomer can surprise and even offend them, especially considering the two of you aren't close. Are you and the 16-year-old in any other servers together, or other social media platforms? If you and this person are connected in other ways, maybe you can start interacting with them in small amounts first before discussing something more personal like their relationship with the 21-year-old. Make small talks, discuss about your interests, share memes, and so on.

How does this make you feel?

[AlloAroQueer]

I think that could be good. I don't know if I could re-contact them without his boyfriend knowing, and even if I never called him directly a groomer because I understood his intentions, they just stopped replying when I tried to tell them to just, separate the channels info the NSFW server from the minors, keep the community that he really wanted but, I don't know. I'm also confused in, for what I'm getting, being In a relationship, with a power dynamic isn't always wrong? Like, it can't be risky and dangerous, but it isn't bad immediately?

Like, I don't understand that. Because the older guy (let's call him Julls) talked about the minor like... They had to take care of them. While being inside the romantic relationship. That they both are supposed to keep.

How do you know if they truly had a choice in being a romantic relationship with them? Because yeah, they can make decisions, I wasn't brainless at 16 myself, but you can't know actually how much of a compromise it is. Like, I mean, you can, but it isn't like... The most talked stuff. You have no perspective and you have no way to realize how actually different is your life,,, and your partner is not only taking care of you, is parenting you. Isn't that... Bad? Or wrong?

[maille]

Hi AlloAroQueer!

I am going to dive into your questions, but wanted to address a few things first, for you and anyone else who might be reading this thread.

I want to reframe something you mentioned here. You wrote "I risked myself to abuse" and I want to affirm you that no steps you take mean you deserve to be victimized at any point. From my understanding, you weren't here, but had you been, there would be no one to blame but the perpetrator(s) and the systems that enable them.

Additionally, like Becky commented on, the sentiment of warning a potential victim of grooming away from other adults is a common tactic of isolation. We often see these sentiments of "you are special, i am different. what we have is so special and different". And, it is true, the potential victim is always so special, way to special to slum it with some older, potentially predatory partner.

The sexual rights advocate in me had to get those points out of the way, but now we can dive into your question.

My take on this situation is that it is net neutral or net negative, but I am ruling out positive as there is very little besides maybe some sense of community coming from this server. It is in no way your responsibility to 'save' these people, but it is very telling of your caring personality that you want to help anyway. I think your assessment of their ability to make choice is spot on- not brainless, but lacking in experience to know what they do and don't deserve. My moral views are that it is wrong. I, myself, was once the underage person, and many adults in my life attempted to warn me away, and they were likely right to do so. Aside from my moral views, depending on the laws where you are, situations like this can be lawfully wrong. I can't tell you what to think, but this is mine and the legal system's perspective.

What do you think after reading this? I hope it provided some clarity or at least enabled deeper thought.