Struggles with my fetish and my ocd

[salsaverde]

Hi, I am new here so I hope I can get my message across. Ever since I was a young boy, probably around 4 or 5, I developed a fetish for being sat on. This carried on for about 5 years until I discovered soft-core porn on youtube at 10 and really just amplified this attraction to this fetish. Around 12 I started watching hardcore porn and that really consumed my life. I watched a lot of facesitting content and would watch videos and masturbate almost every night for the next 4 years. At 16 I really started to understand how bad porn can really be for you and I began to develop intense shame for the videos I watched, especially from the fact it was a extreme fetish video and not a regular "normal" porno. I met my girlfriend at 16 that same year, (we have been dating for the last 2 years) and struggled immensely in bed with maintaining my erection and especially ejaculating (I have never been able to cum from penetrative sex, only oral). Even though she is satisfied is our sexual relationship, she feels very self-conscious about the fact that I can't cum and it also makes me feel terrible because I am super super attracted to and in love with her.
I am 18 now and in the last year I have struggled with porn addiction and horrible themes of HOCD and POCD. Me and my girlfriend have been long distance ever since 3 months into dating, (sorry I forgot to mention that) so we only connect sexually a couple times every 3 months when we see each other or over the phone (we go to different colleges and she's a year older so she went to college when I was still in high school and all that stuff).
But back to the OCD. Last year I randomly recalled many times that I was inappropriate to my siblings (younger sister and younger brother) when I was around 11-12 (they were 10 and 9 at the time). I would basically coerce them to sit on me through making up things that seemed like "games" so they would do it, like wrestling, etc. We did not engage in anything penetrative or oral or anything involving contact with our genital areas, I just know I did it in a sexual way because of my fetish even if it doesn't seem that way. This hit me like a train and I immediately became so scared of myself and basically developed the concept in my mind that not only do I want to be sexual with my siblings but also young kids, since they were young at the time. These themes have been prevalent for the last year of my life and have gotten to the point where I don't even want to be in the same room as them or even a child because of it. Even after discussing the events that happened back then with my sister and apologizing for what I have done, I can't seem to escape it.
Recently, I have been very very non-sexual, with no drive to masturbate or think about sex in the fear that I may think about something heinous. But when I do masturbate, I think about my girlfriend and having sex with her which really just makes me happy and content. Even though I enjoy doing this, I still crave porn intensely everyday and just recently broke my streak of 45 days no porn to reading porn online. Every time I do masturbate I feel intense guilt, especially since I have stumbled across some pretty insane fanfic depicting underage characters doing face sitting and things like that. While I have never masturbated to these fanfics and I don't think I could physically do that, sometimes I do test myself by thinking of scenes involving those scenarios or reading them and seeing if I get an erection or not. I think, from what I have read online, this is called a compulsion. I also spend countless hours most days online looking up information about my OCD which I also believe is a compulsion? These compulsions literally just make it extremely worse and are just not really things I like or want to do. I just think I am so confused about it, some clarification or advice would be helpful.
Overall, I just really live in fear and can't go a minute not thinking about these things. I am also a student athlete in college and I have a lot to live up to this season in my sport and I can't focus. This fetish has completely destroyed my life and I want to rid it the best I can, I know I have done some wrong things in my life and deserve to feel shame but I just want to go to bed and feel happy again. I don't need any pity, I really just need advice on how to stop my porn addiction and help my OCD.

[mikky]

Hey salsaverde,

We are not OCD specialists here, and to put it plainly, we just can’t provide the level and specialty of support that you and other of our users with OCD might need around sexual compulsions and obsessions. It seems to me that porn, for you, and trying to resist and stay away from it, functions also as a compulsion (not addiction, if that makes sense). Fears of having harmed others, surveying memories to try to identify if we caused harm, avoiding children, avoiding sexual stimuli, etc, are certainly all ways that harm OCD themes can show up and wreak havoc.

When folks are so stuck in this sticky messy web of compulsions, I get worried about just piling on more ideas of what you should or should not be doing. I know that can be tough to hear, but maybe we can help you find some adequate support?

What types of support do you currently have around mental health? Is your girlfriend aware that you’ve been feeling consumed by these thoughts?

[salsaverde]

I have been seeing a therapist for around 3 years now and it didn't really help that much. I also tried lexapro but it made me just tired. And yes, my girlfriend is aware of what is happening in my life in terms of the porn and she is supportive. It just is a very hard topic to talk about and since HOCD and POCD are very distressing, it can be hard to fully open up to her about it.

[mikky]

What about therapy has felt helpful or unhelpful? Have you been able to talk about the things you wrote in your initial post with your therapist?
I totally understand how distressing it can be to talk about things that are downright, well, distressing.

In your first post, you wrote: I know I have done some wrong things in my life and deserve to feel shame...", and I'm going to argue against that. I don't think shame is helpful to anyone, and it seems like you are feeling extremely stuck in that shame for things you did as a child without fully understanding what it was that you were seeking.

[salsaverde]

The unhelpful parts about therapy is just really not feeling a full connection with my therapists I guess. I think I am pretty open to talk about my feelings so I feel like there's nothing really that goes un-said. I think I knew what I was seeking but I definitely didn't know the full gravity of my situation. I believe I was definitely hypersexual as a kid and I think that eventually led to those things happening. I think what I did was basically just off the fact that it felt good and I wanted more of it. I do believe I did it to achieve some sexual gratification and I guess that's where I feel shame for it. Even though I was young and I haven't done anything like that since, it still pains me that it was something that I did choose to do and felt was right in the moment. My relationship with my siblings now is decent but I still feel like I could've been a better big brother overall and I just feel guilty in the way I treated them. I just think there's part of my brain that just feeds off of this fetish, knowing that it makes me feel ashamed. I also think maybe the fetish is built on shame? Or some sort of kink involving like feeling small, being crushed, taken advantage off, etc. I have some kind of fleeting memories on really how the fetish started, but I just don't understand how at such a young age I was so obsessed with something sexual. I feel like out of everything in my life this is really the only thing which brings me down. I am a pretty hardworking and self motivated person and I just crave some sort of relief from this whole situation. I just really want my OCD to go away so I can be okay. It's less about the fetish part, because that is something I obviously like and probably will enjoy forever. I just want to stop watching porn related to it because it really just flares up my OCD. Is there any advice you could give me about staying away from the facesitting porn? maybe some strategies I could use or something. Or like a way to train my brain to not desire it.

[Anya]

Hey salsverde,

I totally get what you mean about missing that connection to a therapist making sessions feel unhelpful. Is finding someone new an option for you right now? It might feel a little awkward but if you tell your therapist this, they generally are always happy to help you look for someone who you connect more to. They know just as well as you that real productivity in therapy can only exist when you feel comfortable and engaged in working with them specifically.

Now, what i'm going to ask you about shame and childhood is something that if you look into other boards posts you will find, is me and others asking users over and over again, as this is not an uncommon feeling, is the question of what you think shame accomplishes? Like, realistically, our brains want us to think that shame is a functional tool for changing behavior, but ignoring and repressing any part of ourselves in which we feel compulsion towards will not save us. So instead of trying to use shame as a tool, it can be helpful to think of other tools that allow ourselves to feel things non-judgmentally, AND mvoe forward in our behavior.

With childhood memories like this, the best course of action is generally to accept that it happened, try as hard as you can to realize that you were a kid and literally didn't know better, and live at peace with it knowing you are not going to do it again. And like it seems you already are working towards, seperating thoughts/fantasies and action is super important! fantasies are not actions. Simply thinking about something or becoming aroused by something is not a crime and is not inherntly wrong. It is ALL about what actions you take that provides insight into your values and control over your own body. Truly, and I hope you hear me when I say this, no thought that pops into your head is inherently bad or wrong, and it certainly has no impact on your own personal value as a person or partner.

In terms of the action side of this, and what you can actually do to help yourself take actions that you believe in and feel good about, my best advice is to try and seek a therapist or someone who specializes in OCD behaviors to help you work through this in a consistent manner. We can absolutely help provide you with educational material on these things, but working through the thoughts and felings related to OCD is not something we can help you with unfortunately. Does that seems like something you're able to do right now?

[salsaverde]

There are very limited opportunities that my college has to provide me with help for this OCD disorder. I can always talk to my mom and my girlfriend about it, even if that is hard, it is more comfortable. But I think I agree with you, I think I should get help for it in order to get myself out of my comfort zone. I was thinking about getting on medication but I just get nervous it'll affect my athletic performance which is something that I deeply care about. But overall I would do anything to get rid of the OCD and I think I can move in that direction with a new therapist or try some medication. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow about medication I can take and get on for the rest of the year and see how that goes. In terms of my addiction to the femdom porn, what are ways I can train my brain to not want to watch these videos? Even though they turn me on, they really do not help my OCD and my overall well-being. if you could give me some insight on that, it would be really helpful.

[maille]

salsaeverde,

thank you for being so open and receptive with us here at scarleteen. i hear you when you say that you are fearful treatment may affect other parts of your life like athletics, but it sounds like your OCD is making your life pretty limited too. i hope the conversation with your doctor goes well.

if you would like to not feed into the compulsion of watching this porn, i think it would be helpful to find other dopamine hits. for me, this can look like finishing a chapter in a book. it sounds like you are pretty athletic. does anything along those lines bring you a fulfilling high?

[salsaverde]

I do read a lot so I enjoy that, and I work out around 5-7 days a week usually which is helpful for me. I also train constantly for my sport around 4-5 days a week since we're in season so there's that as well. It does provide me a high but I think without being able to have sex or be sexual with someone, I crave that constantly. I think it's just muscle memory mostly for my mind to go, "okay lets just watch porn now". I just desire to watch it and see my fetish kind of unfold. But I just feel a sense of shame around it for whatever reason. Me and my girlfriend have engaged in some activities involving my fetish, and even though it feels great for a second, I don't really get to enjoy it because I just get grossed out by myself. But I do think finding a high could be a good thing to prevent me from craving porn, a new hobby or something. thank you for your help.

[Sofi]

I just want to add that I agree with our other volunteers that shame is not a productive feeling and that no matter what thoughts you’ve had, you don’t “deserve” to feel shame. Also, to reinforce that thoughts are not actions and there’s a big distinction.

As they also said, we aren’t OCD experts or therapists, so seeking help from a professional whose expertise is OCD would be great. While we aren’t experts here, I have OCD myself, so I will share what helps me with compulsions, with the note that this isn’t therapist advice, just personal advice: when you feel like reaching for your phone/computer to watch porn, remind yourself it’s a compulsion and sit with that feeling for a bit. Check your body- are there any unmet needs you have right now such as hunger, sleep, or even anxiety, and what can you do to take care of those? If there aren’t, just sit with how you feel in general and do some deep breathing. Regulating your nervous system when you want to engage in compulsions can train your brain to feel safe in those moments, so you don’t feel like you HAVE to engage in them, and it’s safe to just sit with it. Does that make sense? Again- this is just what works for me and others, but getting a professional specializing in OCD is your best option. <3