Scarleteen

Uh hello! I’m not sure if this question is a dumb question or just something I don’t need to ask here lol but I guess I’m just asking how do I figure out my sexuality? I know it’s not something we all figure out immediately but I’m a 16 year old male and I’m still confused…iv kinda always known I like both genders but it’s more annoying then reassuring? Like I’m sadly, very attracted to men like physically lol but like personality and like being in relationships with them doesn’t sound great, well not that I hate it? It’s just that I crave it but I know it won’t be what I want and I’ll end up hurt Iv been in 2 relationships with men before but I guess I don’t count them because they were online but I mean the first guy he just was horrible and the second guy was fine but had personal stuff going on. So I guess they were fine but I just can’t be excited about dating guys because I know they’ll disappoint me one way or another. Like every male in my life hasn’t been the best and actually pretty much horrible as most men are, so honestly I’m kinda scared of men, and hate them but yet I’m attracted to them and still hope to find a good one? But with women it’s kind of the opposite I really love women like genuinely, they are very understanding and I feel like I get along better with them and have deeper connections with the women iv met and I know. And the women iv met and I know are way more understanding and I don’t know how to explain it’s just women understand better compared to men. And I haven’t been in a relationship with a women so maybe that’s why I’m still confused but iv had crushes on them sorta? Like in elementary and once when I was in freshman year but I’m really only attracted to women mentally ? If that makes sense? like I could date a women just without the sex? But I feel like I still end up wanting it just not with a women, I mean like I’m not completely against sex with women but with men it’s way easier and I feel more sexually attracted rather then like mentally I guess? I’m not sure if it’s “normal” to feel this way or not? I feel like I haven’t seen alot of people talk about this? I’m sorry for yapping I just wanted to make sure all my thoughts were out so someone could understand me more(I’m so sorry for my grammar..)

Hi there, AquaticLamb--welcome to the boards!

Don't worry, your question isn't dumb--it is exactly the sort of thing we are here to help with. And you don't need to apologize for sharing what is on your mind, because it is helpful to hear your thoughts! It is not too late to still be thinking about your sexuality, because there really is no deadline for learning about yourself, but we'd be happy to help you think through this problem.

All your feelings about men and women make sense to me--I would even say that I've heard other people describe very similar experiences. To start, I want to say that you don't have to feel the exact same way about men and women to acknowledge your attraction to both. There are plenty of people who feel different amounts or kinds of attraction to different genders, and that is perfectly okay. Nor do you have to have been in a relationship with a woman to include them in how you understand your sexuality.

I am sorry to hear that past experiences with guys have left you feeling scared, and pessimistic about the possibility of fulfilling relationships with them. Because of the way society is structured, terrible guys are all too common. If that is all you've known, I can see why you wouldn't feel all that excited about dating men.

The thing is, acting horribly isn't an inherent part of being a man--it is a choice. There are men out there who are kind and respectful, who would care about you and put effort into building a relationship with you. You don't have be with anyone who makes you uncomfortable, but I want to say that your hope to find better men isn't unfounded. You might just need to look in a different environment.

How does this sound to you so far? Do you think it would help if you could read about the experiences of people in happy relationships with men? (Reddit thread)

Hello! Thank you so much Latha for replying to my question and hopefully that’ll help, I mean I guess it wasn’t more so that I didn’t see happy relationships at all I was just confused about my feelings with the genders but I romanticizing the idea with both could definitely help with figuring out if I could see my self in the types of relationships thank you so much!

I'm glad that helped!

Since your main question is about your feelings for people of different genders, I want to share two advice columns:

• I'm bisexual, so why don't I feel exactly the same about men and women?

• If I only want to have sex with women, but not date them, am I bisexual?

Feel free to let us know if you have any more questions!