Scarleteen

So, I’ve been questioning my gender since I was about 10. I’m AFAB, and through my life I’ve had phases where I really wanted to be a boy, but also times when I felt and dressed very girly. Right now I still identify as a girl, but I'm questioning again.
One thing that’s been confusing me is how I feel around one of my best friends, who is a trans woman. I really admire her, but I also find myself feeling envious of certain traits she has, like her deep voice, her flat chest, etc. I know she dislikes these traits and is working toward passing as a woman, and that’s actually part of why I feel so strange about wanting the things she struggles with.
I don’t think I’m a trans guy, and identifying as nonbinary doesn’t feel right for me either. It’s more like I want to be a woman who looks masculine, but not in a butch lesbian way. Also because my personality is very femme. I don’t know how to describe it better than that, and I’m feeling pretty confused.
I do feel gender euphoria when I wear a sports bra for example, and it's really euphoric for me to get "misgendered", like when people can't tell that I'm a girl.
I still like wearing feminine clothes, but I noticed that I'm much more comfortable wearing a binder underneath etc., so I think it's more about my body, since I know my expression is rather fluid.

Hey shark_hyazinthe, welcome to the boards!

First of all, I'd like to say that what you're feeling is totally understandable. When it comes to feeling envious of the traits that likely make your trans girl friend dysphoric, I don't see it as you invalidating her struggles. In fact, it's very typical for each of us to have thoughts of wanting to look or sound differently from how we actually are--after that, it's good to understand how and why we feel that way, which is usually a mix of a lot of internal and external factors. If anything, I think you've shown that while you have your own wishes, you are also able to empathize with your friend, knowing that it makes her upset.

From what I understand, it sounds like you don't have much issue with how you dress, but your feelings about your body is more complicated. Would you like to elaborate on that, and how can we best support you? We also have a series of articles on being trans--which can be a good start: Welcome to Trans Summer School!

Thanks for the reply and the article, it's very helpful <3 I think my main struggle is that I really resonate with being a woman and using she/her pronouns, but I still feel strong disphoria about my body. It kind of feels like I'm not allowed to feel disphoric while (kind of) being a cis-girl. I wouldn't say I'm just insecure, because I don't think I'm ugly or anything, I just want my body to be different. For example, I often have to cry because of my boobs and stuff.
And I guess I just often feel unseen, since I actually don't want my body to match my identity (?). Sorry, I can't really explain it better...

Hi shark_hyazinthe,

I'm glad the article felt helpful to you! I totally resonate with what you're saying about feeling like even though you feel connected right now to your gender, you still feel the disphoria of feeling disconnected from your physical body. This is something that I think many of us both trans and cis people have gone through, as our relationship to our body, just as humans, is sometimes the most complicated one we have in our lives. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way and I want to link you to this other article of ours on body trust. It can be really easy a lot of the time to focus on the things our bodies can't do for us, but spending some time on the things our bodies do do for us can provide a much needed balance.

How to Rebuild Trust With Your Body
A Reminder and Some Resources

I'd love to know what you think of these articles if you give them a read!

Thanks a lot! I've also noticed that I find a lot of comfort in cross-dressing (I'd also like to try doing drag). And that kind of goes both ways, since I love dressing very masculine and very feminine. It just feels a bit confusing, since lately everything just feels like a performance, while I don't even know what I want to be in real life...

Hi shark_hyazinthe,

I completely understand what you mean. I'm glad you are finding some good things in dressing mroe masculine and I think getting into drag is a fantastic thing to look into! Drag can be such a fun expression of ourselves while at the same time kind of a relaxing break from having to be our out-of-drag selves.

I hear you in the frustration you express about feeling like gender must be a performace so much of the time though. It can be a difficult situation to navigate, gender as something that is both so internal and external at the same time.