Scarleteen

I’ve been reading a lot of posts like this, and some are kind of similar to what I’m dealing with, but not quite, so I wanted to share my own situation.

I’m a 19-year-old woman, I live with my family, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two months. Things are complicated because, for religious reasons, we’re not supposed to be dating, so it’s basically a secret relationship… even though my family kind of knows. There’s always this pressure that they’ll eventually force me to end it. I actually knew him last year too, but we stopped things before they got too close, then this year we ended up reconnecting and getting closer again.

Sexually, I’ve always been really aware of my body. I started masturbating early, like in Secondary 1. My clit is super sensitive — honestly, sometimes too sensitive. I’ve tried stimulating it, but I don’t really enjoy it. My clit is sensitive in a way where it’s almost overwhelming, and doesn’t feel right. It’s not that it feels bad, just too much and not in the good way.

When I do masturbate, I prefer penetration. It feels good immediately when I first put a finger in, but the feeling fades fast. I have this pattern where I’ll start with one finger, feel it for a few seconds, then it stops feeling good so I add another finger. I basically keep adding fingers until I’ve used almost all of them, but once I run out, that’s it, for the most part it just stops feeling good. If I take my finger out and put it back in, it doesn’t feel the same anymore, only after some time. Because of that, my sessions only last a minute or two. I’ve tried getting in the mood, trying different things, taking my time, but it never works for long. I think I’ve only ever had one orgasm, and that was with a makeshift dildo.

With my boyfriend, we’ve been communicating a lot about what feels good for me. I like head, but I don’t feel much when he’s licking me — I mostly just like when he switches things up from that to with his fingers inside. I also have ADHD, and I don’t know if that plays a role, but my attention can drift even when I’m turned on. I’m horny, I take risks, I love teasing him, I’m usually the one who starts things… but sometimes I feel like I’m in the mood and it disappears out of nowhere.

When he fingers me, I genuinely don’t even know what it’s supposed to feel like. I feel it down there, and sometimes almost in the area below my belly button. It feels good, but not consistently. Sometimes I hit this point where I want to stop but also want to keep going. I never really orgasm, and it’s not that he’s doing something wrong, I’ve had the same issue on my own since I was younger. He worries he’s the problem, but I don’t think that at all.

I love him, and even with the complicated situation, I feel like I’m getting ready for sex. The thing that scares me is the idea that sex might just not feel good. Like what if it ends up being the same as everything else I’ve felt? What if I don’t feel much, or it fades instantly? I really want to experience that release, and it’s frustrating when I can’t.

I’ve thought about trying meditation or something to help me be more present. Because when we’re together, my mind sometimes wanders. I know he thinks I’m attractive, but sometimes I’ll be thinking about how I sound, i know he likes that I moan and every time I do it’s for me but also for him. I’m always trying to please him and I don’t know how to ONLY focus on me. Or right before he touches me I’ll start thinking about whether it’s going to feel good or not. I’ve noticed that it feels better when I lower my expectations and stop anticipating. But sometimes I still end up getting sensitive or kind of “blue-balled,” like I want more but my body just stops giving me anything.

It’s gotten better but then not. It’s complicated because I’m turned on, but I don’t get the release and depending on my cycle and I feel slightly better or I won’t need as much so it’s satisfies me temporarily, but I want us to be able to experience this together and I want to feel what I’m able to make him feel and so does he I’m just scared. I know I’m not broken and I’m trying to tell myself that nothing’s wrong but.

One other thing, I’m very aware of my body and I do feel a lot. When we first were together, and he would just squeeze my thigh I would feel it everywhere up until my fingertips. I get very wet when I’m turned on. I think I orgasm to watching him touch himself once so why can’t I orgasm to actual touch?

Hi quietviolet18!

Welcome to the boards, and I'm sorry to hear that you've been having issues with pleasure. It sounds like you've already pinpointed what tends to work for you and what doesn't, including how your ADHD might play a part in your current situation. As an autistic person (and I probably have ADHD too, I just haven't really looked into it), I think practicing mindfulness through meditation and yoga can and have been quite helpful! There are also grounding techniques you can try like the rainbow and the 5-4-3-2-1 techniques.

You mentioned "The thing that scares me is the idea that sex might just not feel good."; by "sex," did you mean vaginal intercourse? If that was the case, I'd like to mention that most folks with vulvas do not experience pleasure from vaginal intercourse alone. The farther end of the vaginal canal is far less sensitive compared to the opening (and the clitoris), which is why you may not feel as much pleasure. You can read more about this on our article about sexual anatomy: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body and this particular advice column: The Great No-Orgasm-From-Intercourse Conundrum.

This is what I can share so far--do you think it'd be helpful for you to read the articles I linked and then share what you think?

I want to pipe in with a couple of things:

1) Just in terms of the way your body parts are put together, it's going to be pretty hard to experience much with your own hands when it comes to fingering. If our fingers were a lot longer and our arms were more pliable, that might be different, but they're not really set up great for this as a self-activity, which is probably why you felt more satisfied with the dildo.

2) With your partner: have you two basically taken some time where you just set out to experiment with a bunch of different ways for your boyfriend to try this kind of sex with you, and where you give very responsive feedback -- in words -- as he does? For instance, what does it feel like when he's rocking more with fingers or the base of his palm versus stroking in and out? What about how curled or not his fingers are? How deep he's going, and what kind of pressure he's using?

I would suggest focusing first on feeling good, and setting orgasm aside for now. If we're really enjoying ourselves, orgasm is likely to happen, and even when it doesn't, we will often still feel satisfied without it. But we have to start with pleasure.

Char,
Hi, thank you for answering me. I really appreciate it. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I forgot my password haha. So, I've noticed a few things. I think that when I'm ovulating, or right before or after that time, it feels a lot better. Recently as he was fingering me or giving me head I felt a wave of calmness after - didn’t orgasm but that was nice. And then the other times, I might just be horny, but I won't get the release I want, so it leaves me feeling frustrated. I'll definitely try grounding myself. When I was talking about sex, yes, I was talking about intercourse, and I know that most people don't experience pleasure from intercourse alone, but as I've mentioned, my clit is really sensitive and it doesn't feel pleasurable, so I'm worried about that as well. The articles helped too thank you

Hi there, QuietViolet!

I hope it is alright to pop into this conversation, since I am on shift--I'll let Char know that you replied! And just in case, I want to say that there is no need to apologize for not replying sooner. We're always here, so we can pick a conversation whenever you'd like.

Measuring the date of ovulation exactly does require specific data, like your basal body temperature, but if you've noticed a general, monthly pattern in how it feels to be aroused that seems related to ovulation, that is useful information! Not being able to find release at other times of the month does sound frustrating... it might take some trial and error, but I am hopeful we can find an approach that makes you feel better.

I have a few questions:

• If your clitoris feels very sensitive, does it help to try stimulation from over a barrier, like clothes?

• You've mentioned that your attention can drift when you are turned on. Have you noticed any patterns with where your mind goes? What feeling and thoughts do you have when this happens?

Hello, Heather!
I think it would be a good idea for us to set aside a planned time to figure out what I like. Giving him direct feedback would probably help, but it’s still really hard for me to get out of my own head. Even when I know he’s feeling pleasure, I’m still very aware of everything else going on. Your tips have been really helpful, though, and I’m definitely going to try them. Thank you.

Hi quietviolet!

I’m so glad the advice we’ve given so far has been helpful! Also, I completely agree that it’s a good idea to set aside time to speak with him about how you’ve been feeling. How do you feel about approaching that conversation?

I also hear you that it’s been hard to relax or be in the moment. Would you like to talk a little more about what that’s like for you?

You're welcome!

I want to add a little encouragement about adding more sexual communication.

I think that so often, especially when you are new to it, it can feel like something that's a drag or gets filed as a hard or stressful conversation, but I think those ways of thinking about it are basically self-sabotaging and just not at all how it goes for folks doing it right, for lack of a better word. Instead, think of it like the kind of communication we'd have with someone where we got to have a custom item of clothing designed at no cost to us, or could order exactly what we wanted to eat with a chef who was very excited to cook for us. In other words, this should actually be the fun and happy kind of informative, because when we are with a partner who wants us to enjoy ourselves, and vice-versa, it's exciting and joyful and yummy to find out what we all want and what feels good for us, even when some of that info is about what we don't want or what isn't feeling like all that. <3

Hi again!

I really think that it varies a lot with my cycle. I also have a big school course load in a pre med program and so often my mind is busy. Fingering got better I think since then, I do enjoy it and there are times where i feel very calm after. We started having sex and now thats the issue. Ok I don't want to say its an issue because it isn't, I love him so much and I'm happy we did it. I am happy we waited until we did and i felt so much closer to him, but i dont really feel much. again, it depends on my cycle, and my mood but i really want to feel it and i dont and i feel like something is wrong. sometimes i feel it mild sometimes nothing. it felt good the first few times for the first times, its also better in the car though we havent done that in awhile. i often want to bc im in the mood but not in the "mood" if that makes sense. like i want him inside of me but im not in the mood to feel pleasure. maybe bc i also don't feel much. i think we need to do it only when i want to, but i want to be able to enjoy as well. i want to add that communication isn't an issue: he knows and tries to help but doesnt really know what to do, its both of our first relationships. also, his ppenis is curved downwards, i feel like that may be worth mentioning. i know im in my head a lot, not bc of the sex and my body i know he loves it and im not self conscious with him, but with school or random thoughts. slowing it down might be good. i find when we know sex is coming i enjoy it less. anywho those are my thoughts lmk if u can help

Hi There!

I'm going to chime in with some thoughts that might be helpful.

1. When it comes to penis shape, you may find some positions are more pleasurable than others. Like everything, it requires experimentation.

2. I saw that Heather mentioned that a dildo might be something to investigate. We also asked about the ways you have tried touching your clit because there are many things you can do to mitigate sensitivity if things get too intense. So, have you tried any of the following?

- Touching your clitoris through a barrier, like clothes or a dental dam?

- Using more lubrication? (Sometimes it's the friction that can feel like too much, and a good water-based lube is never a bad idea to have around, even if you tend to produce a lot of your own lubrication.)

- Combining clitoral stimulation with insertion of fingers, penis, or a dildo?

- Having your boyfriend use his mouth for different kinds of stimulation, not just licking with his tongue?

-Paying more attention to the areas around the clitoris and/or investing in a vibrator that doesn't deliver targeted stimulation to the clitoris?

-Backing off from stimulating the clitoris when things get too intense and then coming back to it?

Of course all of these are best combined with the great advice you got, so far, especially that article about what to do when "The Big O is a No Show."

Hope that gives y'all some new ideas! Let us know how it goes.

I like clit now a lot more when im arroused and he touches me. the main problem now is sex. his penis is curved down and i know its possible to enjoy its normal but i dont half the time. its hard to get it in for some positions. i like being on top but thats the wrong way for the g spot. im really good at head and i know exeacly how to make him orgasm and i fell a little nnoyed that i cant reach that partly bc we dont know how and because i get in my head

Hi quietviolet18,

Exciting to hear that you have found a way to enjoy clitoral stimulation! Huge win especially given that the clitoris is much more sensitive to touch than the inside of a vagina. Are there other discoveries you've made about your body and preferences? Orgasms happen in different ways for different people so it isn't something we can write you a clear instruction manual for. You mentioned a few posts ago that sex in the car was a good experience for you. I wonder if there is a way to recreate that experience more often. Is there a position that is similar to the one you do in the car or is it more about the novel place and it being outside of a bedroom? Have you considered bringing in toys for clitoral stimulation during insertive sex? Or a dildo like you mentioned having success with?

As was mentioned earlier, pressure on you to orgasm or for your partner to make you orgasm can make it harder to enjoy sex in general. While you continue exploring sex and pleasure, is there a way you can accept your experience as valid? I wonder if pursuing sex for the pleasure your body feels now instead of pursuing it for the pleasure you want your body to feel (orgasm) could help you uncover better and deeper and longer sensations. If you notice yourself comparing your experience with your partner and that is building some annoyance, I wonder how it would feel to have sexual experiences where his desire is off the table and you two focus on your pleasure entirely.