sexuality and being mormon

[mirrorball29]

ive known for a while that i felt an attraction both romantically and sexually towards the same gender (women) (and men as well), but im part of a devout mormon family and i myself am mormon. for reference, one of my sisters went on a mission, i am baptized, and i go to church every sunday and wednesday. ive been wondering if sexuality and a religion like mormonism can go hand in hand considering the church preaches love so deeply, but often the topic of sex or homosexuality is somewhat shunned upon. none of my family really gets it since theyre not queer and its not like id want to talk to them about my attraction towards women considering my parents are kinda homophobic (the type to welcome any lgbtq+ person in their home, but would rather die than have one of their kids be lgbtq+). ive never actually had sex and to be honest the thought of it makes me want to vomit, but i have a track record of reading sexual literature and that itself i do find an attraction to, especially with women. thinking about my sexuality and what it could mean for me in the future is honestly very difficult and im lowkey tearing up as i type this. i dont care if any of my friends are queer or if anyone in my life is, because theyre the same person to me, but i feel like being queer myself makes me different, that its bad if its me. i wish i didnt feel this attraction and the fact i feel it sexually too makes me kinda grossed out and disappointed with myself. im aware since i feel an attraction towards men i could just stick with that gender, but ive literally only dated one person before and it was a girl so i dont think trying to suppress my feelings like that would work. i wish my queerness would go away but i know it wont, which leads me to my point since it feels like im pandering, i just wanted to know if i could still hold my mormon beliefs and embrace not being straight, especially considering the majority of the mormon to queer pipeline has left the church. is it possible? and how could i work through my negative feelings towards my own sexual and romantic emotions when the church is kinda known for being restricting with that if i can maintain my religion?

[Sofi]

Hi there, mirrorball29, welcome to the boards. I'm so glad you decided to write to us on here.
I'm sorry you've been dealing with all this and feeling things like disappointment and disgust. Unfortunately, it's common in many religions to preach love but not be accepting of queer people, which as you said, can be very confusing. There's a lot to unpack here, and I don't want to overwhelm you with too much, so let's start with a couple thoughts and questions.

First off, yes, you can be a mormon and be queer, they CAN coexist. Is it common, or will it be easy? Not as much, but it is possible. From some quick research, I see that it's estimated about 10% of LDS church members are LGBTQ+ - of course, we know these stats are always lower because a lot of queer folks are still questioning or in denial, so that's just people who are "out". So finding a community within the mormon faith is definitely possible and could be really helpful on this journey to help you accept and understand your sexuality. In my research, I found several websites and even a podcast for and by queer members of the LDS church, so that's something you can look into!

Aside from all this, we can also discuss you coming to terms with your sexuality and working through the negative feelings around it. I wanted to ask, since you said you see queer people the same as anyone else, why do you think you worry others won't see you the same? Is it mostly because of what you have been taught/heard at church? Also, you mentioned your parents would rather die than have one of their kids be LGBTQ+ - did they say this exactly, what was the context of the conversation that led to them saying that?

[LolaMaria]

Hi mirrorball29!

I'm really sorry you're feeling like that. I've felt what you are feeling now, and it's really hard. But I just wanted to let you know it is possible to be both LDS and queer. I'm LDS and lesbian myself. Thankfully in college I was able to find a queer LDS group of other students. But I would love to share some resources that I've read and found to be helpful.

- gather conference / lift and love ( I was able to attend the annual one a few years ago and loved it, but there are virtual meetings for groups and other great resources)
- that we may be one by tom christofferson. This was the first queer LDS book I read and realized that it is a blessing to be queer.
- tender leaves of hope by Meghan decker
- queer Mormon theology by Blair ostler (God is more loving and open than I thought before! To say there's only one right way to love is to discount God's creations and love, he is the God of love, not the god of one right answer)
- without the mask by Charlie bird (I'm still reading this but so far I've really related to Charlie and felt peace, comfort and God's love for me)
-all out in the open podcast ( many different cultures and perspectives in different episodes!)

But the most important thing I've found to help me understand myself and how religion fits in my life is to pray and come closer to God. For myself I've felt God's love and acceptance. He doesn't love me despite being gay, he loves all of me and created me this way in his image. There's still a lot of questions I have, but for now I am happy with where I'm at.

I'm not saying that it is easy, I spent years figuring out what I know now, and I'm still learning and finding my place. The church isn't perfect (there's things I disagree with and changes I want to see), but God's love is, and I enjoy worshipping with the community I've found there. But your mental health and safety are the most important! I've taken breaks from church and that's alright, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. However, I do recognize that it's not for everyone and that is ok! There is no shame in going or not going. I hope that these resources can help you with your path, wherever it may be! You are seen, heard, and so loved!