I have sex-xiety?!??

[JaminJ]

Hi all, I need help! I have been in an LDR with my gf for almost two years. Before her, I had never been sexually active/ had a desire to masturbate, and expressed that. We recently had a few in-person meetings, and things got sexual, both times I have been the one on the receiving end, but I have yet to orgasm. I feel guilty because both times, I have not really been into it; I am on SSRIs, so I thought maybe they could play into it. I get aroused, but feel guilty that I haven't been into it/ “being the giver “ to her, I think im nervous because I don't even know how to please myself ( sorry all atp im just rambling) How/ should I tell her what's going on?!

[Anya]

Hi JaminJ,

Welcome to the boards!

Bringing sexuality into a romantic relationship can be so tricky as it involves not only figuring out what you individually want, but being able to articulate that, make space to listen to your partner, decide if you want to take actions based on your feelings, and then actually go through with exploring what works in your partnership. That's a lot! I think anyone in your position would feel at least a bit overwhelmed and confused by that.

Now, I'd like to ask you a few questions to understand the dynamic more, if that's alright. You mentioned that when you began your relationship, you communicated a lack of sexual interest and decided that you were both okay with that. Is that right? If so, I wonder why your partner, once you met in person, would assume that would change? Have the expectations in your relationship changed without communicating so about the nature of the relationship (being online vs in person)?

SSRIs can certainly impact sexual arousal, desire, and orgasm, so I think you're right about bringing that up, as it could be potentially playing into this dynamic. If you want to look into this more and potentially change the impact, I would recommend talking to your doctor about it and asking about options like dosage or compound change to see if it alleviates this.

I want to make sure to note that sexual desire is never something that you're "supposed to" feel towards your partner to show how much you care for them, though. Everybody experiences sexual arousal, desire, and orgasm differently, and if some of the guilt that you spoke of feeling is related to anxiety that it might make your partner feel unwanted, I want you to know that those are very different things. Some people don't feel sexual desire at all, or for periods of their life, and the hallmark of a relationship that works for both of you is going to be navigating and compromising that you do together, knowing full well that your connection towards each other is not bound by only your sexual desire or ability to orgasm.

I want to share a few articles with you, and once you've given them a read, let me know how you're feeling!
Sexual Response and Orgasm: A User's Guide
The Sex Goddess Blues: Communicating About Sex
The Great Arousal Mismatch: When Bodies and Brains Don't Align

And this is our inventory stocklist, something you can either use alone or with a partner to help you understand what you want, don't want, and what you're willing to try.
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist