Long-Term Injuries and Queer Sex

[MusicNerd]

Hi all,

I hope you’re doing well! I recently started seeing someone casually and it seems like things are heading towards sex. I’m pretty worried, because I have quite a few long-term physical injuries I’m recovering from and I’m not sure how I’ll be able to pleasure someone while also not being in pain myself.

(For context, I’m AFAB non-binary and the person I’ve been seeing is AFAB non-binary, so we’d be having what many would consider to be “lesbian” sex.)

I’m currently recovering from long-term tennis elbow (which makes long periods of fingering, or any type of leaning on my elbows, hard) and post-concussive syndrome (which would make giving oral sex difficult due to neck strain). I’m hopefully going to be starting head and neck physical therapy soon though, which I’m optimistic will help with neck pain.

I’m not sure if there are ways to do these types of sex with less pain, but I guess I worry about being a burden or a disappointment sexually, because I haven’t had to worry about this before. It’s also been years since I’ve slept with anyone, so I think that’s another factor too.

Any resources or advice are much appreciated!

[Latha]

Hello MusicNerd!

Don't worry, there are ways to accommodate your needs physically while finding pleasure with a partner. Asking for that won't make you a burden or disappointment, sexually. If you think about it, everyone has boundaries and limits around certain activities, and we all have needs that the people around us need to accommodate. In that context, the pain from your injuries isn't all that strange.

In general, it might help to first think about what kinds of movement/positions are comfortable for you, and then consider how you and your partner could arrange yourselves so that their body is reachable. For example, if it would help to keep your neck upright during oral sex, you could kneel and your partner could sit/lie down and face height. Find ways to support your bodies to maintain a comfortable position (like with pillows) and consider using sex toys. If you do start to feel pain, it is okay to ask your partner to take a break until you feel better.

Whenever it seems right, I'd recommend talking to your partner about the accommodations that might help. We have a guide to talking about a disability when it can affect sex. Just keep in mind that if they don't want to try any of these changes, that would be a reflection of their priorities, not your worthiness as a partner.

Another volunteer here, Char, suggested that your doctor (or your physiotherapist when you start seeing them) may also have advice on reducing strain and discomfort during activities like sex. If you are comfortable, you could consider asking them. <3

For more resources on disability and sex:

• Disability Dharma: What Including & Learning From Disability Can Teach (Everyone) About Sex

• How to Shop for Accessible Sex Toys When You Live With Chronic Pain (Autostraddle)

• How to Finger Your Partner When You Have Chronic Pain in Your Hands (Autostraddle) - This is not about elbow injuries, but the ideas may still be useful.

It’s also been years since I’ve slept with anyone, so I think that’s another factor too.

If we're thinking about what makes someone good in bed, I think the ability to listen and communicate, and having a sense of humor for when things don't go as expected are very important. Familiarity and skill are useful enough, but if they're missing, you'll regain them pretty soon anyway.

[MusicNerd]

Hi Latha (and Char),

Wow, thank you so much!! I had no idea there were so many resources for pain/disability and sex! This is super reassuring, I’ll definitely check out the links you shared.

I also appreciate that you shared a link on how to talk about all this with a partner, since that was another worry I had too. And to be fair, from what I’ve gotten to know about this person, they seem to be pretty understanding and kind, and we’ve really connected emotionally going on really long dates. And whenever a date cancellation has come up due to life circumstances, we were flexible and accommodating with each other.

Also, this person is quite shy and nervous themself, so maybe they won’t mind me being nervous talking with them about all this (they’re autistic and have literally admitted to being nervous around me because they find me attractive, which I thought was adorable because I felt the same way lol).

Anywho, I think maybe also talking about all this with my therapist might be helpful too. I’ve never talked about sex with a therapist before, but I guess I’ll have to if I want to make any progress and have the sexual connections I’m looking for; it’ll also help me to unpack the fears of being a burden that I have, since that’s definitely related to childhood trauma.

Thanks so much again for sharing these resources with me and sharing your insight! I really appreciate it.

[Tara]

You are welcome, MusicNerd! Let us know if you have any additional questions.

[Heather]

Hey there, MusicNerd. It's always good to see you around here.

If you read any of those links, you'll probably read me on this subject, but I also just wanted to raise my disabled hand in case you want a one-on-one with someone who has engaged in all kinds of sex, including the kinds you're asking about here, while also having a permanent hand disability. I think a lot has been covered here, but I at least want to re-up that injuries and disabilities really don't have to be sexual impediments, and I think that talking about them with partners, and doing things like asking for any needed accommodations, is often a boon, honestly, because it tends to tell us a lot about if the people we are picking as partners are actually likely to be good ones or not. People who can be good sexual partners are NEVER people who have issues with things like this, in my experience, and people who are great about it tend to bring some really good things to the table. <3

[MusicNerd]

Thanks so much, Heather! It’s always good hearing from you too <3

I really appreciate your insight around this, and I didn’t know you have a permanent hand disability. It’s reassuring to know you’ve found good sexual partners who are happy to accommodate, including for the kinds of sex I’m asking about!

And that’s a good point you’ve raised about asking for accommodations being a good way to gauge if someone’s a good sexual partner. I hadn’t considered that, but it makes a lot of sense. I’m nervous, but I guess I’ll found out soon enough if this person is a good sexual partner who’s willing to accommodate.

[Heather]

Since I was seven! I climbed on something I thought was a jungle gym, but was instead a heavy iron structure meant to keep cars out of an apartment courtyard, and it wasn't cemented in properly and fell over and smashed my hand, destroying two of my fingers.

I've learned to adapt pretty well (and bless playing music from early on, learning to adapt with instruments has always felt like it made adapting with everything else easier), but mostly I just have had to give myself a lot of permission over the years to not stress if and when my arthritis kicks in, or I get a cramp, or something activates the weird way the nerves operate with the reconstructions that were done. Besides very occasionally winding up with a partner who was squicked out by the way my fingers look (again, telling on themselves, IMHO), I've rarely had anyone have an issue with my needing accommodations or to opt out when needed. It certainly also helps that we live in a world chock full of a wide array of sex toys, so if and when our bodies can't do a thing, or can't keep doing a thing, it's often pretty easy to find something else that can!

I can also understand why you feel nervous: you haven't exactly had the best life history when it comes to people making accommodations for you. But I would be surprised if this was an area where that wasn't pretty easy, so long as you're not with someone ableist or otherwise just not particularly humane. <3

[MusicNerd]

Wow, that’s intense for a kid to experience! I’m glad you were able to adapt, and as a musician, it makes me happy to hear your adaptability extended to musical instruments

How could I forget about sex toys! I do have some toys I could use with this person if they’re open to it, and they’ve continually shown me they’re a kind and empathetic person (two things that I’m very attracted to about them), so I hope it extends to this area too.

And yes, you’re definitely right about my life history/childhood trauma being a blueprint for how accommodations were not made for me; and actually, my therapist and I plan on digging deeper into the “I am a burden” belief that has been present my entire life.

Thanks so much again for offering your experience around sex and injury/disability. I’m grateful for your insight as always <3

[MusicNerd]

UPDATE: We had so much fun!! I forgot to use a toy, because I got caught up in the moment, but my body felt it the next day. They’re totally cool with me using a toy the next time we meet, and they’re excited because they view it as adding to the fun!

Thanks again for helping me out with this, and I’m glad I’m sleeping with someone who’s so understanding.

[Heather]

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I love this news. <3 And by all means, you are not a burden, you're a joy.

[MusicNerd]

Aww, thanks so much, Heather! So grateful for you, always <3