Struggling with maladaptive daydreaming & sexuality

[1111]

Hi, this is a really difficult thing for me to open up about or even think about directly, even on an anonymous message board. I don't identify as part of the LGBT community, haven't used this site and probably won't again but I'm actually at crisis point.

So basically, I am a lesbian. I have known I was a lesbian since I was 15 (18 now) despite some off-and-on struggles & trying to gaslight myself into becoming more 'normal'. This is because I struggled a lot with my mental health when I was a younger teen & was also 'weirder' & as part of my transition into being happier & more mainstream I thought I could ditch this & be attracted to men bc it's easier, but I really can't. Over the last year I have definitely accepted myself as a lesbian )! But I'll probably never have sex in my life lol let alone with a woman as I don't 'seem' like a lesbian at all and I am a complete wallflower (never go clubbing, no desire to go outside my comfort zone). Makes me very sad sometimes but whatever!

Anyway!! This isn't too relevant but needed to provide context. Like I say, I am definitely a lesbian. Yet since I was ~13 I have struggled extensively with maladaptive daydreaming to the point where I engaged in unhealthy coping mechanisms (eating disorder) to escape it. I am a very awkward girl who used to be ugly & didn't have much going for me in life, so it became easier to live in a world where I have total control to be funny, extroverted, popular, etc. This was definitely exacerbated by COVID. During COVID when my mental health was at its worst (aged 13/14) I became very dependent on video games (one in particular) & unhealthily attached to some characters. I felt like I was one of the characters and I knew other ones.

Fast forward 4/5 years & my maladaptive daydreaming is out of control. I recovered from my ED & have no escape from it. I have extended & adapted my 'life' as this character so far away from the original text that it bares no resemblance except 'my' name & my friend/r/ship with another character. I have 'alternate universes' of me as this character in different situations, ages, etc often inspired by real life & other media. and it always involves me being a gay man in a gay relationship.

I find it very hard to be honest with myself & admit how dysfunctional this is. I have a job, I got great grades, got into a top uni, got prettier, have a great friendship group of my own all while living this secret life in my head that no one can ever know about. And the only way I can possibly get over this is to fully commit to quitting and, most importantly, 'break up' with my fictional boyfried. I would find this almost impossible to do. I have to tell SOMEONE about this (especially as I believe it is linked to my OCD) and for the first time in my life I want to try talking therapy (always rejected it before), but I'm terrified and sacred and ashamed to admit this out loud. Until I commit to this, I will never be able to have a relationship in real life as I'll always be more committed to the one inside my head which can never exist. I feel so sad and pathetic and that I'm only living half in the real world. I've felt suicidal because I want to kms to live this life w my 'bf'. Bear in mind here I am a lesbian IRL??

Jesus this is such a vent and I'm so sorry but I need some advice ASAP as I just can't talk to someone in real life, even if I never have to see them again. What the hell is happening to me and what the fuck should I do

[Heather]

Hi there, 1111. Welcome to the boards. It's okay to post like this, no need to be sorry!

I don't think this is as dysfunctional as you think it is. In fact, I don't see dysfunction here at all. That said, I also want to make clear that my sense of that doesn't cancel out or trump how you feel about it. Clearly, this feels dysfunctional to you, and clearly, this has you feeling pretty held hostage by it, and those are obviously really rough ways to feel.

I do think that finding and working with a good therapist is probably the best thing you can do for yourself, and I'd particularly recommend it if this has gone so far you're experiencing suicidal ideation. I can certainly see how this happened, especially given the timing with lockdown and the rest of COVID. I don't know that anyone else can tell you what happened in a deeper way, since that's more something that will be about self-discovery, but from where I am sitting, COVID plus social isolation, feeling ugly, feeling like your life wasn't offering you much, perhaps even feeling like it's safer to role-play as a gay man than be a real lesbian, and shame around this -- and then OCD, if that is also in the mix -- seem like a pretty plausible recipe.

I think the best thing we can probably do to try and get you started with some help here -- and thus, some relief -- is to see what we can do to make you feel capable of finding that therapist.

Can you say some more about why you feel so unable to talk to someone face-to-face (and I take it that's the case whether it's in person or virtual)?