how do i know if im gay or bisexual?
Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2025 7:04 pm
okay so this is going to read so unnecessarily complicated but i really am confused
i liked girls since at least the 8th grade even if i wasn't able to accept it for myself until like junior/senior year of high school. and now im almost done with college. and every time i've liked a girl its felt pretty real. the things people describe like butterflies and nervousness, and i guess cause im older now it seems to involve more thinking about, yk, other stuff too. and thats with another girl, so its fair to say im not straight i think. but the thing is, the way i see men is much more complicated. i can't tell if i genuinely like guys or not. i've been on dates with guys, but it was never intentional like i was never the one to say "is this a date? are you asking me out on a date?" id just pretend i didn’t notice their intentions and hope they'd see that im not taking it any farther and want to be friends instead. of course, this usually didn't work, and after realizing they werent getting what they wanted from me, they usually would stop hitting me up. some of these people i genuinely thought were cool enough to hang with, but i guess i wasn't cool enough for them, or maybe i crushed their egos or something. interestingly though most of my college friends atm are guys who used to have feelings for me, which is... sometimes complicated to say the least. and i do have girl friends but i find it difficult to keep a stable friendship and emotional closeness at the same time so i’ve stopped doing the emotional aspect (i keep getting feelings for straight women this already happened like 3 times and the most recent time was the WORST)
anyway, since i ever started being noticed by guys at all, that’s the gist of what happens. and atp it really happens ALLL the time i'm not kidding. some of the guys are cool (same hobbies or genuinely passionate about things, funny, similar to me, etc) and some of them are just… no...(clearly just wanting to hit or "talk" to me) but i was wondering if it would be different if i really, REALLY liked the guy that was showing interest in me, like if it was someone i already had a longstanding emotional connection with, or i found really endearing or visually appealing/good looking/whatever upfront.
like what if i met a guy that was really good looking, funny, etc? maybe i just haven't met a guy yet that is all of those things? or fits all my criteria? and upfront is appealing?
but that "upfront" thing is so complicated in itself because i have this other dilemma: its like my brain cant seem to believe that "cool" men my age, who have their own senses of style, do their hair and listen to the same/similar music as me, are not performative. omg, im being so serious, im sorry. i know it sounds so misandristic… i can't even say its the result of a last relationship that made me this way. i've never been in a real relationship and one of the reasons why is because every time a man thinks he's cool it gives me this gross feeling. yet if it was a woman doing the same thing, USUALLY its not as big of an ick, to no ick, that's the range. i still think that a lot of women are performative though, so its not exactly a gender thing i guess. and ngl i thought i had real genuine feelings for a guy once (over quarantine) because he had the same hobbies as me and was genuinely good at them and didn't do it for likes or attention and we had a close emotional connection, but he did say some things to me about women that threw me off and i remember being very upset about them... since then i haven't really liked guys heavily, maybe only casually, or at least never considered any for long term partnerships since yk?
but yeah, the point here is that for some reason i can't seem to get over the ick that men give me even if i think i find them attractive. it makes me wonder, if i met a man who doesn't give me this gross feeling (the performative thing), and on top of that i am attracted to him (as in visually,,, because physical attraction to men or lack thereof is a whole other topic), AND he is genuinely a good guy with a good personality + the other things i look for in a person anyway, would i manage to like him completely in a romantic way? or even in a sexual way?
like i said before, i don't even know if i'm attracted to the male genitalia, but if im being honest this year i kind of tried to establish that i'm not, and that a woman can do all the things a guy can do and more, but then i started thinking like.... if we were to talk about the toys women use to fill in for the male genitalia, there are already some notable differences that can immediately be identified..
i guess i can be specific here. i mean the strap and harness etc. for one, its cold... its stiff... listen, i have no problem with those things honestly, but other women who date men are making it sound like the warmth and the softness add to the experience, and then i have this enormous fear of missing out. which tbh i have for a lot of things. but yeah, its made my exploratory fantasies where i try to imagine myself enjoying sex with a man (don't even ask... i straight up test myself with that almost every day to see if my reaction to the natural phallus will change) almost enjoyable as i'm actively trying to picture enjoying that specific aspect of sex with a man, and i imagine the warmth of it and the feeling of it rather than specifically it being a man, but you see… it would HAVE to be a man for it to have those things. so ughhhhhh i dont even know anymore idk how i feel.... its like i dislike the idea of a man so much, that his anatomy grosses me out, but not entirely, its that its attached to HIM? cause i'm not opposed to penetration, and if a woman can do it, great! but at the same time i don't want to miss out on the sensations etc, or the intimacy of finishing together... if i was doing it with a girl, would it still really be the same? and also we wouldn't be able to have kids which tbh i never really cared about until recently when i thought hmmm well after 10-15 years what if i change my mind? what if i settle down with such an amazing woman, which is already my intention, and down the line i just really want to have her kids that look like her and i, but i can't? idk its complicated idek what i'm saying
i liked girls since at least the 8th grade even if i wasn't able to accept it for myself until like junior/senior year of high school. and now im almost done with college. and every time i've liked a girl its felt pretty real. the things people describe like butterflies and nervousness, and i guess cause im older now it seems to involve more thinking about, yk, other stuff too. and thats with another girl, so its fair to say im not straight i think. but the thing is, the way i see men is much more complicated. i can't tell if i genuinely like guys or not. i've been on dates with guys, but it was never intentional like i was never the one to say "is this a date? are you asking me out on a date?" id just pretend i didn’t notice their intentions and hope they'd see that im not taking it any farther and want to be friends instead. of course, this usually didn't work, and after realizing they werent getting what they wanted from me, they usually would stop hitting me up. some of these people i genuinely thought were cool enough to hang with, but i guess i wasn't cool enough for them, or maybe i crushed their egos or something. interestingly though most of my college friends atm are guys who used to have feelings for me, which is... sometimes complicated to say the least. and i do have girl friends but i find it difficult to keep a stable friendship and emotional closeness at the same time so i’ve stopped doing the emotional aspect (i keep getting feelings for straight women this already happened like 3 times and the most recent time was the WORST)
anyway, since i ever started being noticed by guys at all, that’s the gist of what happens. and atp it really happens ALLL the time i'm not kidding. some of the guys are cool (same hobbies or genuinely passionate about things, funny, similar to me, etc) and some of them are just… no...(clearly just wanting to hit or "talk" to me) but i was wondering if it would be different if i really, REALLY liked the guy that was showing interest in me, like if it was someone i already had a longstanding emotional connection with, or i found really endearing or visually appealing/good looking/whatever upfront.
like what if i met a guy that was really good looking, funny, etc? maybe i just haven't met a guy yet that is all of those things? or fits all my criteria? and upfront is appealing?
but that "upfront" thing is so complicated in itself because i have this other dilemma: its like my brain cant seem to believe that "cool" men my age, who have their own senses of style, do their hair and listen to the same/similar music as me, are not performative. omg, im being so serious, im sorry. i know it sounds so misandristic… i can't even say its the result of a last relationship that made me this way. i've never been in a real relationship and one of the reasons why is because every time a man thinks he's cool it gives me this gross feeling. yet if it was a woman doing the same thing, USUALLY its not as big of an ick, to no ick, that's the range. i still think that a lot of women are performative though, so its not exactly a gender thing i guess. and ngl i thought i had real genuine feelings for a guy once (over quarantine) because he had the same hobbies as me and was genuinely good at them and didn't do it for likes or attention and we had a close emotional connection, but he did say some things to me about women that threw me off and i remember being very upset about them... since then i haven't really liked guys heavily, maybe only casually, or at least never considered any for long term partnerships since yk?
but yeah, the point here is that for some reason i can't seem to get over the ick that men give me even if i think i find them attractive. it makes me wonder, if i met a man who doesn't give me this gross feeling (the performative thing), and on top of that i am attracted to him (as in visually,,, because physical attraction to men or lack thereof is a whole other topic), AND he is genuinely a good guy with a good personality + the other things i look for in a person anyway, would i manage to like him completely in a romantic way? or even in a sexual way?
like i said before, i don't even know if i'm attracted to the male genitalia, but if im being honest this year i kind of tried to establish that i'm not, and that a woman can do all the things a guy can do and more, but then i started thinking like.... if we were to talk about the toys women use to fill in for the male genitalia, there are already some notable differences that can immediately be identified..
i guess i can be specific here. i mean the strap and harness etc. for one, its cold... its stiff... listen, i have no problem with those things honestly, but other women who date men are making it sound like the warmth and the softness add to the experience, and then i have this enormous fear of missing out. which tbh i have for a lot of things. but yeah, its made my exploratory fantasies where i try to imagine myself enjoying sex with a man (don't even ask... i straight up test myself with that almost every day to see if my reaction to the natural phallus will change) almost enjoyable as i'm actively trying to picture enjoying that specific aspect of sex with a man, and i imagine the warmth of it and the feeling of it rather than specifically it being a man, but you see… it would HAVE to be a man for it to have those things. so ughhhhhh i dont even know anymore idk how i feel.... its like i dislike the idea of a man so much, that his anatomy grosses me out, but not entirely, its that its attached to HIM? cause i'm not opposed to penetration, and if a woman can do it, great! but at the same time i don't want to miss out on the sensations etc, or the intimacy of finishing together... if i was doing it with a girl, would it still really be the same? and also we wouldn't be able to have kids which tbh i never really cared about until recently when i thought hmmm well after 10-15 years what if i change my mind? what if i settle down with such an amazing woman, which is already my intention, and down the line i just really want to have her kids that look like her and i, but i can't? idk its complicated idek what i'm saying