me and my boyfriend are considering having sex. we have condoms and stuff, and i trust him to know how to use them correctly. further, i'm confident he doesn't have an STI.
i'm aware that condoms can be pretty effective if you put them on from the start (before even any pre-cum contact). however, they still have a pretty high fail rate from what i've seen online.
we don't have access to any other kind of contraceptive for now. if he used a condom and pulled out as well to reduce any risk from a potential tear, what would the risk of pregnancy be, and would it be stupid to have sex now instead of waiting until i can potentially get an iud/implant?
i want to have sex, but i can't get birth control
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Becky
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Re: i want to have sex, but i can't get birth control
Hey gagagar! I can definitely talk this through with you.
For starters, let's talk about condoms and their success rate. Now, I would argue that condoms don't have a pretty high fail rate. They're actually one of the most effective ways to prevent pregnancy! With the data we currently have, we expect condoms to be 98% effective with perfect use and 86% effective with typical/imperfect use. That means that in one year of typical/imperfect use 14 out of 100 people will become pregnant even while using condoms.
Now, I can totally understand how that 14% chance still feels too high when we're talking about our own lives and bodies and the possibility of becoming pregnant when we don't want to be. The good news is, we can get that 14% chance even lower with a bit of practice! I'm really happy to hear that you trust your boyfriend to know how to use condoms correctly. But there's no harm in you knowing how they work as well.
I'd recommend this article to learn HOW to roll a condom onto a penis.
Some important tips include:
Finally I just want to say that what you are talking about here is PIV sex (penile-vaginal intercourse). But our belief as sex educators is that there are LOTS of ways to "have sex" that don't involve genitals touching and therefore no risk of pregnancy.
I know a lot of your peers probably describe things like oral sex (going down on someone/blowjobs/etc) or fingering as "foreplay" or not "real" or "full" sex. But if you've been doing those things–– you've been having sex!
You can read about our definition of sex and how we got there here.
At the end of the day, I can't tell you what to do. All I can do is give you the best information I have so that you can make an informed decision about your body. If you feel comfortable going ahead with exploring PIV sex while using a condom, go for it! If you would feel more comfortable waiting until you can get hormonal birth control, that is 100% valid as well.
What I can tell you is that you are NOT stupid. Whatever decision you make is not stupid. The reality is that ALL sex comes with risk and everyone who has any kind of sex is accepting some level of risk. And if those risks ever become our reality, there are options to deal with them, I promise.
I highly recommend you check out out Sex Readiness Checklist here. This will give you some more insight into the various things you might want to consider before engaging in sexual activity that could result in a pregnancy.
The best we can do is educate ourselves, understand our ability to mitigate those risks, and make the decision that feels the most comfortable and safe for our lives and our bodies.
I hope this helped! Let me know if you have anymore questions.
For starters, let's talk about condoms and their success rate. Now, I would argue that condoms don't have a pretty high fail rate. They're actually one of the most effective ways to prevent pregnancy! With the data we currently have, we expect condoms to be 98% effective with perfect use and 86% effective with typical/imperfect use. That means that in one year of typical/imperfect use 14 out of 100 people will become pregnant even while using condoms.
Now, I can totally understand how that 14% chance still feels too high when we're talking about our own lives and bodies and the possibility of becoming pregnant when we don't want to be. The good news is, we can get that 14% chance even lower with a bit of practice! I'm really happy to hear that you trust your boyfriend to know how to use condoms correctly. But there's no harm in you knowing how they work as well.
I'd recommend this article to learn HOW to roll a condom onto a penis.
Some important tips include:
- Never opening a condom wrapper with your teeth or anything sharp
- Do not store condoms inside of wallets or places that have extreme temperature changes (like cars)
- Make sure you leave a little room at the tip of the penis when rolling the condom out to create a pocket to catch semen (but squeeze out the air bubbles!)
- Use lube!
- After your partner has finished ejaculating, make sure he holds the base of the condom as he is sliding his penis out to prevent the condom from sliding off
- Do not attempt to pull out during ejaculation. I know it makes a lot of sense to double up your birth control methods but you don't want to risk the condom sliding off right as he's ejaculating.
Finally I just want to say that what you are talking about here is PIV sex (penile-vaginal intercourse). But our belief as sex educators is that there are LOTS of ways to "have sex" that don't involve genitals touching and therefore no risk of pregnancy.
I know a lot of your peers probably describe things like oral sex (going down on someone/blowjobs/etc) or fingering as "foreplay" or not "real" or "full" sex. But if you've been doing those things–– you've been having sex!
You can read about our definition of sex and how we got there here.
At the end of the day, I can't tell you what to do. All I can do is give you the best information I have so that you can make an informed decision about your body. If you feel comfortable going ahead with exploring PIV sex while using a condom, go for it! If you would feel more comfortable waiting until you can get hormonal birth control, that is 100% valid as well.
What I can tell you is that you are NOT stupid. Whatever decision you make is not stupid. The reality is that ALL sex comes with risk and everyone who has any kind of sex is accepting some level of risk. And if those risks ever become our reality, there are options to deal with them, I promise.
I highly recommend you check out out Sex Readiness Checklist here. This will give you some more insight into the various things you might want to consider before engaging in sexual activity that could result in a pregnancy.
The best we can do is educate ourselves, understand our ability to mitigate those risks, and make the decision that feels the most comfortable and safe for our lives and our bodies.
I hope this helped! Let me know if you have anymore questions.
“All of us have to learn how to invent our lives, make them up, imagine them. We need to be taught these skills; we need guides to show us how. If we don't, our lives get made up for us by other people.” -- Ursula K. Le Guin
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