I'm an insecure horny adult virgin and I hate it

[Lyle Lanley]

Here goes.
I'm almost 19 years old and never went past kissing; whilst virtually anyone my age or younger than me is dating someone and has plenty of sex.
I've spent the entirety of 2025 being romantically single (I have a long-distance QPP for 4 years)

Anytime I try to rant about this problem, it borders on a femcel rant (tried posting it on Reddit and got called unbearable by a man; besides objectively I am a femcel, and that sucks too)

Doesn't help that I've struggled with my self-image for as long as I can remember, having problems with being overweight and not being able to see myself as pretty if not with makeup and straightened or braided hair.

Lately I hadn't been struggling with this, but now as I was about to write a self-insert fanfiction, I realised how pathetic it was that I was writing about myself having sex with someone: For one, I never had it in real life, so I can't know what it's like. And what do I do? I write about doing it with fictional characters and/or fictionalised versions of singers...

I don't even know what I'm seeking by posting this. Definitely not pity and ridicule.

[Anya]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

First of all, I want to say that there is no timeline to sex and romance. Everyone here will tell you the same when it comes to this concern because there really is no one-size-fits-all timeline for personal life events like this. Now, that being said, not only in my opinion, but statistically, you are totally within what is considered an average level of sexual/romantic activity at your age. Many, many people don't have the experiences you mention (kissing/having sex) until during and post-college age, making you well within what I think is widely considered typical. Now, this doesn't erase your emotions, and feeling lonely or as if you're "behind" are real, valid feelings that I'm sorry you're experiencing. It can be easy to look around and see/hear about all the sex or relationships your friends are having, but I would consider two things. 1. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, so what may seem all good to you may not actually be as rosy or easy for someone else. 2. You are absolutely not alone in feeling like this. If you even just type a key term like "experience with sex" into the message board search bar, you will see that hundreds of posts from others will come up with very similar worries.

What we know from all the research that's been done on how much sex young people are actually having, that it's an observed trend to see young adults think that everyone is having much more sex than them, when in reality, the individuals with a lower or no average level of sexual contact are overwhelmingly the majority.

In terms of fanfiction, too, I think that it would be reasonable to assume that most of what we find in the literature is not actually happening to the authors in real time. I would argue that it's a pretty common occurrence for authors to write about all kinds of things they haven't done, so in at least my opinion, it's not pathetic at all to do the same!

I am a bit curious about your use of "femcel" here and want to challenge this idea a bit. The concept that anyone is "involuntarily celibate" is generally an unrealistic, self-depricating theory that has recently been normalized by a culture of victimization, placing blame on others for not initiating sexual/romantic contact, and further standardizing isolation and loneliness as the problem of one single or a group of individuals, which is not the case. I understand that it may feel validating to use the label of femcel, as it reiterates that you aren't alone in this feeling, and takes the blame off of you for experiencing loneliness, which is fair; it is not your fault. But it instead perpetuates the idea that because you are experiencing loneliness, it's someone else's fault, and that it is somehow "not normal" to have periods of low or no sexual/romantic contact (which is a very common part of everyone's life, especially younger people), and since you use the term "objectively" to describe being a femcel, I would really question why youre deciding to use that label. Do you want to speak more about how you feel about this?

[Lyle Lanley]

Thank you so much for this answer Anya.

I know that everyone's experience is different, and that there are plenty of people like me, I even know some; one of them has had her first ever crush this year, in her first year of uni.

Also yeah, all this data is true, and no one really knows what's going on behind closed doors. And just like I assume someone has had sex, the other person might be in the same boat and assume that I did as well... I'd never thought of that.

As for fanfiction, I surely am not the only virgin who writes smut... but my mum (who doesn't know I write and draw sexual content) already looks at me weird for depicting romantic relationships when I've never been in a proper one. So the feeling of judgement is definitely there, but it's a constant in my life even in other fields, so let's keep it aside for now.

So about the “femcel” thing: Collins Dictionary defines it as ”a woman who identifies as being frustrated by a lack of opportunities to have sexual relationships” and it fits me, but it's not like I boast about being one. I relate to the typical femcel struggles, but I don't blame the world for being single, I blame myself because there must be something wrong in the way I am and the way I approach the world and do things.

[Andy]

Hi there Lyle Lanley,

I’m glad Anya’s answer was helpful!

I’m sorry really sorry your mum is disregarding your experience like this, it must be terrible for you. Not to mention that that is a very nonsensical argument. I myself don’t see romantic relationships as something inherently "special" and "completely different" from other kinds of relationships. After all, there are as many kinds of relationships as there are people having them and while there are some things most romantic relationships have in common, they are not a given. And even without having an romantic one, most people have experienced some kind of a loving relationship, with their family members, friends etc. So according to this logic, the majority of authors would be writing about things they have not experienced unless they were directly describing their own relationships, not to mention that the whole genres of fantasy and sci-fi would not be possible. Does that make sense?
I know you said to keep it aside for now, but I wonder if you might want to talk more about the constant judgement you are feeling? Because it sounds really rough and I can imagine it can be hard to feel good about yourself in that situation.

As for the more practical things at hand, the only way to experience a relationship is by starting one. Which I know is obvious, but where I’m getting with this is asking if there maybe is someone you would be interested in currently? Or if you would maybe want to brainstorm ways to meet some new people?

[Lyle Lanley]

Hi Andy, thank you so much for your input as well.

Honestly, about the writing and experience part, you're right. I have experienced not only attempts at relationships (crushes, situationships, long-distance, a relationship that lasted a week and a half because we both figured it wasn't going anywhere) but many loving relationships with family, friends and my QPP. I can very much draw on those experiences, when it comes to relationships.

But as for sex… while it's true what you said, that not everything an author writes has necessarily happened to them (for instance, I don't think Tolkien has ever seen hobbits and elves in his life), I fear my inexperience makes things unrealistic and corny.
I already make erotic drawings, and when a woman in her 50s I know saw them, she said the way I draw bodies is “innocent”. I understand where she comes from, but it frustrated me.
Besides, when I was 12/13 I've written about a character getting drunk. And after experiencing drunkness I can safely say, it is indeed unrealistic and corny.

This whole rant began when I opened up the Word document to write some smut I was inspired to write, and then I thought “I'm a virgin who's writing smut, what if someone who has had sex reads this and finds it ridiculous, and can see it's been written by an inexperienced virgin??”

Also about the "getting into relationships" part, I have no evident problems with meeting people, I began uni and am getting to know quite a few people.
But thing is, I am developing feelings for a guy from uni. And ifit goes wrong, that's life to you; if it was meant to be it would've gone well. But I'll just try and get to know this guy better

[mikky]

Sometimes our writing is.... just a little unrealistic and corny. I've read some books this year that are published, well reviewed, edited, thoroughly screened by sensitivity readers, and still corny. Are you trying to share your writing broadly right now? If someone did find your writing ridiculous, what do you think that would say about you?

Part of sharing writing, and more broadly, ourselves, means accepting and letting go of fear of how we'll be perceived and judged. It's a struggle for sure. I'm seeing a lot of self-negativity and self-judgement in your posts. Giving ourselves a lot of judgement can be so wounding, though it can feel protective sometimes. I wonder what might help bolster some self confidence?

[Lyle Lanley]

Hi Mikky, thanks for the reply.

There's a book I've read, where the sex scene is very cringe, and even I could tell it was badly described… and the author has a husband. And it was not only the sex scene. The conflict and the character interactions were also corny.
The fic I wanted to write before coming to post this rant was meant for my partner and I's eyes only; I might write things meant for Ao3 and Wattpad as well though.
And I'll admit it: if someone finds my writing ridiculous I could very well take it as a personal offence, given how I've reacted to the judgements by my mum and her friend who saw my drawings.

I've always had this low self-esteem and sense of inadequacy, and I'm currently in cognitive-behavioural therapy and working on changing my disfunctional thoughts. My therapist claims I'm making progress, though.

[Anya]

Hey Lyle Lanley,

I know you don't want to talk about the judgment stuff more right now, but I just want to mention one thing that helps me when I face judgment from my own mom. Growing up with judgmental parents can sometimes be the worst type of judgment to feel, given the bond that people, even those who aren't close with their parents, feel. This makes judgment feel personal, when in reality, sometimes it isn't even about you, the child, as much as it's about themself as a person. My own mom has spent a lot of her life judging things about me out of my control, and what helped me realize I don't have to live by her judgments was understanding that it's not even about me. In this case, she might not be as concerned with you writing and drawing these things as someone who hasn't experienced what's depicted in them, but could instead be her own resentment or stigma against sexuality and expression. Especially when there's a generation gap, I notice the judgments I hear the most from older people when it comes to sexuality seem resentful that we even get to draw, express, talk about, and share these kinds of things at all. It's sad when people hold onto the pressure they faced, and then pressure others, but know that judgment comes from different places, and is so rarely actually about you or the art you're creating.

You mention the therapy you're in and how your therapist "claims you're making progress." Do you also feel that this is true? I'm sensing some doubt and want to know if you want to speak more on this?

[Lyle Lanley]

Anya,

Especially when there's a generation gap, I notice the judgments I hear the most from older people when it comes to sexuality seem resentful that we even get to draw, express, talk about, and share these kinds of things at all. It's sad when people hold onto the pressure they faced, and then pressure others, but know that judgment comes from different places, and is so rarely actually about you or the art you're creating.

This is so true. In fact my mum was raised by my great-grandmother aka her grandma, and in a different country and culture than the one I was born in. And she has indeed grown up with a stigma towards sexuality and the sexual sphere, some of it even rubbing off on me in some instances, but not in my art.
I have thought in a more nuanced way about her background and why she does the things she does to me; of course, not excusing them, but understanding them. But I never considered this, this has shifted my perspective. Thanks

You mention the therapy you're in and how your therapist "claims you're making progress." Do you also feel that this is true? I'm sensing some doubt and want to know if you want to speak more on this?

I can't really tell how much progress I've truly made, I mean, look at the title of the topic and the sense of inadequacy that my words transmit even when I don't want them to. But if she sees progress I'm glad.

[lilikoi]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

I'm sorry you're having trouble enjoying your fanfiction right now and feeling badly in general. It's hard to dodge the feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem when it comes to pursuing other people and romantic relationships. I am still working through those feelings myself. Even after you add in other people to the equation, those feelings don't always go away. And add in judgmental parents into the mix, I know the burden that puts on self-exploration. We're here for you! Glad you are working through these thoughts in therapy before you introduce another person into your sexual world. For now, is there more about this topic that you want some support for?

[Lyle Lanley]

An issue I have is that I tend to assume other people around my age, unlike me, have had sexual experience. Especially when I hear them speaking about past or current relationships.
That makes me feel somewhat insecure, because while I have no direct experience, I'm a very sexual person.
And for instance I'd even feel unsure even about making jokes on sexual topic unless I know the other person also doesn't have much sexual experience

[amber]

Hi Lyle Lanley!

Did it help at all to read what Anya said at the start of the thread about assumed ideas about sex and others vs the actual data? I promise you there are more people in similar shoes to you then you think!

I do wonder if you've ever thought about why it matters that you've never had sex? In my head someone who understands their body and the way they feel pleasure through masturbation has more sexual knowledge than someone who doesn't but who has had sex with a partner. What would you say is making you worried or stressed about being a sexual being before having partnered sex?