Dumped

[ribbons?]

So a couple of days ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. Well, it’s sort of complicated. We’ve been trying to break up with each other for a while, because we’re both pretty mentally unhealthy right now and we know we are not really making each other happy. But we’re very attached to each other and we still want to be friends; he was my best friend before he was my boyfriend.

Anyway, last week he officially broke up with me, and I think this time it will probably stick. But we’re still talking. The breakup was very ugly. He declared that I haven’t been making him happy at all, that I’ve been making him feel like he’s walking on eggshells, etc. I felt terrible that I was making him feel that way, but we’ve also had problems like this before, and the key issue always seems to be that he won’t communicate with me. He can’t really help the people pleasing, but it upsets me a lot, because I try very hard to make space for him to communicate, and he doesn’t tell me that I’m making him upset. I would never, ever want to hurt him. When he lets me hurt him, I feel like he’s making the choice for me.

I told him I was sorry and I felt terrible, but I also said that his behavior was manipulative — that he was setting me up for him to later yell at me and eventually push me completely away, and that if he had communicated with me earlier, I could have made a change. He got upset I was calling him manipulative and made me feel even more guilty. He says you can’t be manipulative without meaning to be, which I guess is true. But regardless, I feel lied to, at least. I hate myself for hurting him, and I wish I could’ve avoided doing so. I trusted him to communicate with me about how I could be a better partner, and he didn’t. I know I’m to blame for my behavior, but I still can’t help feeling hurt and betrayed. I’m not good at just guessing when my behavior is upsetting others. I wish he had set clearer boundaries.

There’s also the fact that so much of what he was saying was about how he was secretly not at all enjoying our time together anymore. I’m a major pessimist, and I tend not to trust that other people like me, but I really trusted that he did. He says he does like me, but that he hasn’t been enjoying me so much lately (I’ve been very depressed and anxious lately). But I still feel so hurt and honestly just stupid for not noticing that he wasn’t having any fun. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I never seem able to hold up a relationship (romantic or platonic). I feel I must be the common denominator. There must be something about me that’s so bad if nobody seems to like being around me. I don’t really know what it is, though.

He’s already apologized plenty for everything, which is most of the reason I’m here. I still have feelings to sort out, but there’s not much else he can do. I just need some support, I guess. Reassurance I’m not the worst person in the world. Even typing this out, I feel like I’m the problem in this situation. What if I’m victimizing myself so I don’t have to take the blame? I don’t even know at this rate. I take some of the blame. I think we both messed up. But I’m hurt by his behavior — by how he bottled up all his feelings and then blew up at me all at once.

[Tara]

Hi, ribbons:

I am so sorry you are going through this breakup. It can always be such a rough time. I am also sorry that it seems like it has been a negative relationship with somewhat abusive behaviors. What I mean by this is that it seems like there has been low communication, and high behavioral patterns in response to low communication, to convey high emotion.

Sometimes in emotionally turmoiled relationships, it can be difficult to know where one person starts and ends or who is responsibile for what. It gets confusing. And when there is gaslighting or manipulation, it can appear to come from both directions or conflate with each other's behaviors.

It sounds as if you have pretty well assessed the dynamics of the relationship and what both of you contributed or did not contribute to the relationship and have a balanced perspective. At the end of the day all you can do is understand how you felt you contributed to the relationship and take any feedback as something you feel you would like to incorporate or not, but none of that means you were or are a shitty person or not worthy of communication or respect. You were not the sole contributor or detractor in this relationship because it always takes more than one participant.

Here is an article on looking at abusive relationships if you feel you were in one or just want to learn more about the dynamics. I am not saying you were or were not, but the information can be helpful for putting things into perspective. I don't want you to feel blamed from this relationship.

https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/b ... se-assault

Please let us know how else we can help.

[ribbons?]

Hi Tara, thank you.

I looked over the article, and I don’t think my boyfriend was abusive, which is good! But I feel really worried that *I* was abusive now, and I really was completely wrong about it. I know I wasn’t the best partner, because I would get angry at times and my boyfriend would feel like I didn’t respect that he had his own life too. But I looked at the list at the end and I only do a few of those behaviors to a small degree, so maybe not? I kind of accept that I was probably a little bit emotionally abusive, but not on purpose at all! I don’t really know. It’s freaking me out though because I want nothing more than to be good! I always wanted to make him happy and give him the best life, and I never ever wanted to hurt him, I swear! I really didn’t know I was hurting him at all.

I will have to keep an eye on it. I worry about this a lot, about being a bad person — bad friend, bad partner, and anything. I am probably overreacting, but I can’t help it.

Sorry, the goal of me reading this article was definitely for me to feel better. I don’t know why I feel worried about it. I still think he should’ve communicated with me, and I 100% feel that I repeatedly gave him opportunities to do so — doing check-ins and that. I guess it was a balance of my problematic behavior and his inability to point it out.

In a way, I wonder if we abused… each other? I think one would word it differently, then, though, because abusive relationships have a power imbalance — I guess the relationship was “toxic?” This could definitely relate to the fact that we are both mentally ill. I don’t think it’s exactly GREAT that he bottled up all these negative feelings and then it all just exploded at me and made me feel like shit, especially because this wasn’t the first time — more like the 3rd to 5th time, I think. But obviously my behavior wasn’t great either. I was easily upset with him, mood swingy, and clingy. He says I was codependent and have “an unhealthy attachment” to him as well. It is all very messy and I don’t really know what I expect you to do about it. I mostly would just like to keep talking it out. I hope I wasn’t too abusive. He says he forgives me for everything I did. But I hate the idea of being terrible. I want to do good things, and I want to make people happy.

Uhh yeah. Sorry, this is probably a somewhat incoherent mess. I have a lot of thoughts and some of them contradict each other. Thanks for listening.

[Tara]

Hey, you are alright! I apologize if I made any asssumptions. I think you are very insightful about this relationship and hold the answers that you are seeking. Do you feel you have answered your own questions? To me I think you are reflecting and putting everything into perspective very well.

I do hope you take away that you are not a bad person. Relationships are very complicated and we often "project" our best and worst qualities onto another. You may be right that both of you could have been using unhealthy behaviors to cope or in lieu of honest conversation. That's okay, it's just important to learn from that and move forward with what you have learned.

Toxicity, codependency, and a multitude of other dynamics are very real things that happen in relationships. There is no shame or blame necessarily, but a lot of learning for the future. I think you are doing great, ribbons!

[ribbons?]

I guess I feel like I have? I mostly just wanted to do so somewhere where I could have someone confirm I wasn’t totally wrong, ha.

It makes me sad that he and I might have been making each other worse rather than better, because I really like him as a person and I wish we could be together. I try to tell myself that just because we aren’t right for each other right now doesn’t mean we always won’t be, but who knows, I guess.

I guess the only other thing I’m worried about is codependency and my so called “unhealthy attachment.” To be honest, I think we have an unhealthy attachment to *each other,* which is to say I think he’s pretty attached to me too. But I think I’m worse. I don’t really know how to go about fixing that? Like, we just broke up last week and we’ve still talked almost every day since, and not just a little bit every day, a lot. I feel like that’s not normal? I guess it doesn’t actually really matter, but…? I have to say that even though I am trying to move on from the other stuff and just learn from it like you said, I am stuck on this part and I do feel ashamed about it. I feel almost as though I have a fixation on him — and not just because of the breakup, I’ve felt that way about him since even before we started dating? I guess that’s not really related, but it’s on my mind, so yeah, sorry

[mikky]

hey ribbons,
oof, it is a very tough feeling to reflect on a relationship and feel like you brought out negativity in one another. Relationships aren't either all good or all bad: we usually experience a whole range of things with other people. I find it helpful to reflect on all of it, the things you appreciated and the things that were not working, in order to learn.

Given that you feel like you might both have some unhealthy attachments, how would you feel about setting some boundaries around communication? For example, only texting once a day instead of all day, or going a week without talking?

I can understand that idea of a fixation. I think we can get really locked in on other people in that "crush" energy and it's normalized to be centered around another person.

I see in your first post in this thread that you two are trying to sustain a friendship. Can I ask, what do you think a friendship with him will look like? Do you think you can maintain a connection in a way that is healthy, and if not, how would it feel to try to let go?

[ribbons?]

Hi :]

We went a day or so without talking! But it’s really hard because we are so used to it! We have texted most every day for over a year; it’s to the point where we have our own entire routines and that. But to be honest I would like a period of not talking to him because transitioning back to being friends has been very rough. I still very much have feelings for him and it makes me sad. I’m not really sure how long this period should be or anything though. I don’t really know how that stuff works.

I think having a friendship with him will hurt in small ways because of the breakup, but I also don’t really feel great about letting go of him completely. We’ve been friends for years and he’s had such a profound effect on my life. I feel like nobody understands me the way he does, and anyway, I don’t have many other friends right now.

[maille]

Hi ribbons,

It sounds like you might find a break after this breakup to be helpful, so I am happy to hear that you went a day or so without talking. That's a step in your desired direction! And I hear you about it being hard. In relationships, we become so integrated into each others lives and it can be hard to go without that when its been your constant.

I also hear you on still having feelings. They do not go away over night, even though that thought might sometimes feel easier. My favorite comforting thought about breakups is along the lines of this: If you felt this understood by the 'wrong' one, imagine how magical the 'right' one will be! How does that feel to hear?

You've got this, ribbons. Hang in there!

[ribbons?]

Hi :]

I guess that much is true, that if the “wrong” person understood me this much, the “right” person will be even better. But I am still struggling with the idea that HE isn’t the right person, because we still like each other, I think; we’re just too mentally ill to be a good couple at this moment. I feel angry that mental illness has taken this from me. I don’t think it is fair at all. I know that life isn’t fair and all of that, but I still wish I was not mentally ill and I wish he wasn’t either. I wish that loving him would have been enough to make me love myself, if that makes any sense at all. I know that’s not how it works, but it’s how it feels anyway.

We have decided to have one week of not talking starting yesterday, but I’m not very good at it and we talked a little bit yesterday and a little bit today. It is still much less than we usually talk, so I am trying not to beat myself up about it. But my family (who knows we were dating and that we recently broke up) has voiced their disapproval that we are still talking. They do it in semi-joking ways, but are all clear that they don’t think I should talk to him anymore at all. I guess they’re right, but I still don’t want to lose my best friend, even if I lost my boyfriend; regardless of if our relationship is platonic or romantic, I feel like he really gets me in a way nobody else ever really has. I don’t think I should have to lose that along with everything else. Why would I ruin five years of friendship over five months of dating? But I do agree with my family that I need to take some time, so I am trying to. My thought was that maybe if we were apart for a little while we could sort of “reset” our relationship, and when we came back we could just be friends.

Mostly I am just struggling to not talk to him. I feel embarrassed about it all, honestly — embarrassed that I don’t know what to do without him and that. I hate the idea of being one of those people whose whole personality revolves around their partner. It grosses me out. I know most people don’t marry the person they date when they’re fifteen. I’m often quite a pessimist, never believing anything will come of my romantic feelings for anyone, and I don’t know how I became so attached to him but somehow that happened. On the one hand it’s nice that I’m capable of trusting someone to such a degree, but on the other hand it all totally sucks and I wish I hadn’t. I feel very silly about it all.

[amber]

Hi ribbons,

I wanna start by saying you're not silly, and these feelings are super normal! Breakups can often feel like grief in their own way and people can process them in all different sorts of ways.

I'm also sorry you feel like your mental health has 'ruined' this relationship for you. That is a very difficult feeling.

I agree that taking some intentional time apart is best. It might be a time where you are feeling a plethora of strong emotions, but it will allow you to learn what your life can look like with separation (and mostly time!). I think what I'm trying to say is that this time apart may be difficult for you, still that doesn't mean it is not worth it.

Here is an article from our site that takes about these heavy feelings from breakups, I think it might be helpful -- Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

[ribbons?]

Uhhh hi

So it has been a few weeks and today I officially straight up blocked him. Technically he could still text me if he wanted because I didn’t block him on every platform but I blocked him on the place where we usually text, mostly so I myself do not text him. I’m pretty sure he won’t text me.

I kind of have given up on being friends with him right now because he was making me very sad and being mean to me. But I am still sad about it. Him being mean to me honestly made me sort of lose romantic feelings for him anyway, so I’m not as sad about the breakup, but I’m very sad about losing my dearest friend. I feel like I am missing the person he used to be. I believe the person he used to be would have told me not to be friends with the person he is now.

I am also angry because I feel like all he talked about was all of the bad things I did when I spent quite a lot of time trying to do good things for him. I feel so damn unappreciated.

And… I haven’t really been coping in super healthy ways. I randomly sexted a friend I’m not at all attracted to, just to see what would happen, so now on top of feeling sad I feel gross and ashamed.

I don’t really expect you to do anything about it, I just wanted to vent, to be honest. I’m feeling sad and anxious over it and I wanted to type out my thoughts to help.

[Latha]

Hello, Ribbons!

It is true that we can't do anything to fix the situation for you, but we're happy to provide a space for you to talk about how you are feeling.

Even though you did the right thing by blocking him when he was being mean, I know it is terrible to lose a friend like this. I'm sorry to hear that his view of the breakup became about everything you did wrong, without acknowledging his part in what happened and how you tried to do right by him. It really is not fair.

Sexting that friend might not have been right for you, so I understand why it might feel bad, but I hope you know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Sexting, as with any sexual activity, is neutral. Doing it doesn't commit you to doing anything else with your friend, and it doesn't say anything about your value.

Feel free to rant, but if there is any way we can better support you, please let us know. We can help you think about coping strategies that would work better for you, if you would like.

[ribbons?]

Coping strategies would be helpful! I have been doing a little better. One of the ways I have been coping are by working out (it makes me genuinely happy, I’m not doing it for some sort of “revenge body” or anything like that). I have also become a bit closer with some other friends which has been nice. But today I was feeling very sad about everything all over again and it’s honestly quite irritating because I wish I could just move on. My parents mentioned the other day that I seem a little better since I stopped talking to him and it’s just weird that that’s true because he used to make me so happy! I try to tell myself that letting it go is okay because a lot of things you let go come back eventually, but I keep freaking out about how it might never come back and how terrible that would be.

[lilikoi]

Hi ribbons?

It sounds like you are working through some awesome coping strategies on your own. Finding friends to text instead of your ex is a great way to manage your thoughts and feelings about the relationship. You can focus on the quality of those friendships too as a place to put the energy of nurturing a relationship. You also probably have a ton of extra time now that you are not managing a complicated relationship. What are some things that you like to do or hobbies that you have thought about getting in to? Exercise is a great option but having multiple ways to fill your time will give you options for different moods you want! Do you enjoy any kind of crafting or art? It doesn't have to be the typical make music and paint a picture. I don't like learning an instrument but I like making playlists. And I don't like painting on a canvas but I like painting my nails.

[Heather]

Hey there, ribbons.

I just wanted to offer you a little something in addition to all the good advice and support you have been given here. Maybe it will be helpful.

You said:

I guess that much is true, that if the “wrong” person understood me this much, the “right” person will be even better.

The idea that there is A person, the person, as in one single person for any of us to have an intimate relationship is fallacy. In reality, it is incredibly rare that in a whole lifetime, which for more people than not will last 7 decades or more, anyone will only have any one person they have that kind of connection with. In reality, how this more often goes is that most folks who want and seek out those kinds of connections and relationships will usually have at least a couple to a few people they have those kinds of relationships with. For some of us, even more than that. If it helps to hear an example from one person who has been around for a minute, I'd say that I have had about 12 relationships I would describe as long-term, close, intimate relationships that have also been romantic/sexual partnerships. I'd describe all of those relationships and the people in them as very important to me and my life.

I say this because if we're thinking there is only one possible person/relationship like that, it can be extra hard to let go of these kinds of relationships, even when it's been made very clear they aren't good for us, and aren't offering us -- or aren't offering us any more -- what we want and need.

Just offering this up because you may find that if you can at least let go of that idea, that letting go of this relationship -- or, at a minimum, of this as a romantic and/or sexual relationship, rather than say, perhaps a healthier friendship you two might be able to create down the road if things change between you and that's something you both even want by then -- gets a lot easier. <3

[ribbons?]

Uhhh okay soooo I may have made a not fantastic decision which was to talk to him BUT it actually lead to him genuinely apologizing which was good? It gave me a sort of closure. All of this is still way too recent to go back to just being friends though, so I think I will still go a good couple of months without talking to him very much. So virtually nothing has changed except that now I am less angry which is nice.

I don’t really think I’m interested in him romantically that much anymore; I mostly just feel attached to ideas that he’s the only person who will ever love me romantically (which, surely, must be false). But I’m not totally sure. I don’t think it matters too much, but I also somehow worry about it a lot. To be honest, I was kind of starting to get a crush on someone else entirely, but I also worry about that because what if I’m just sort of projecting instead of actually getting better from the breakup.

What Heather said about how there’s not one “right” person made me think of an interesting thing I read about how people come and go from our lives but we still carry little pieces of them. It doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships (like, for instance, I still listen to a band an old friend introduced me to even though we aren’t friends anymore) but it does make me think about this relationship. It’s an interesting and bittersweet thing.

As per hobbies, I have been writing a bit which is great! I love writing stories and it makes me very happy to be doing so. I read something that said when you are going through a rough time it is good to have a good collection of coping mechanisms so you have options in case you can’t do one. My big way of dealing with bad days is by taking walks, but in the cold and dark winter I can’t really do that, so I am trying to have these other things. Very soon I am getting a new therapist who I will get to see much more often than my old one; maybe she can help me with this. Talking about breakup things embarrasses me though. I know I’m not pathetic but it makes me feel like I am anyway.

[mikky]

Hey ribbons!

It sounds like you are learning and growing so much in this experience, as shitty as it probably is, which is so amazing! Like, you were able to talk to him and hold your boundaries around needing some time and space.

I would certainly disagree that he is the only person who will ever love you romantically, though that feeling is one I think many of us have felt in our first big breakup. There’s this song I listened to a lot during my first breakup with the line “I know myself and I’ll never love anyone else,” and I remember feeling so totally sure that was true for me. I love your reflection of carrying little pieces from the people we’ve known. And with a significant relationship (be it romantic, family, friendship) it might be large parts of ourselves that have been formed by them.

Being sad about a break up is not pathetic. I think a therapist would be a great person to talk to about how this has made you feel, especially since your mental wellbeing and your ex’s were so tied up when you were together.

I love that you’re writing. That’s my personal favorite coping mechanism, and one that is good for winter It also provides us so much room to explore different feelings and ideas.